Chapter 33 

 

Nick could not get a wink of sleep. He could not have known but on this night, he was going to see the colors that preceded sunrise, which would begin with a soft, rose pink spreading across the sky.

 

The party had concluded around two in the morning but though the house was in darkness soon after, over the next thirty to forty-five minutes, muffled moans and masculine groans of sexual acts in both bedrooms, resonated throughout the house. Minutes after it quieted, only Nick was left awake.

 

Initially Nick thought he was still wound up from the party but after the first hour ticked by, he realized his usual sense of tiredness was non-existent. He also had a minor headache in the background behind his eyes and he put it down to two things. His first reason was the alcohol he had consumed. He had never been a big drinker but his enjoyment of the party allowed him to unconsciously drink more than he would by choice. His second reason for the headache was that his lack of sleep was causing the tension and therefore the reason he was lying silently awake in the dark. It seemed a little like the chicken or the egg scenario but whichever came first, he had a headache and he could not sleep.

 

The longer Nick laid there the more his thoughts began a random transition from one thing to another. His recollections of the party stole most of the limelight. They were detailed recollections as he remembered conversations and many of the occurrences that took place.

 

Beginning when he opened the front door and seeing the look on Eric’s face, Nick smiled as he thought how much he had wanted to reach out and hug him and tell him Happy Birthday. Regardless, it had all worked out well and he thought it had been the perfect surprise party. He turned and looked at the bedside clock and realized it was three-fifteen in the morning.

 

Nick recalled the Skype conversation and how so many people got involved. It was almost like Tim and Jordan were right there in the room with them, except that he had been unable to hug his dad, which he had really wanted to do. Birthday wishes via Skype had been a sudden thought before he left work that afternoon. Eric was like another son to Tim and they spoke on the phone regularly these days. Nick imagined it as another surprise for Eric and so he called his father while walking Muscles. He had to make sure he and Jordan would be at home and to confirm an agreeable time. He had not been sure if Skyping would be too difficult during a party but now, as he remembered, he was glad he went ahead with it. Adding to the party it turned out well for everyone and was also a lot of unexpected fun.

 

Side tracked by that thought, Nick felt happy anticipation that his dad and Jordan were coming for Christmas. They had not been back since the first time and he and Billy had not found the time for their first trip to San Francisco. Also, Tim and Jordan had not seen their new house and Nick was excited for them to see it. He was also pleased that when they finally did visit again, he would have a room where they could stay. As he thought about the visit, he was looking forward to it even more.

 

Nick thought about how many times that night, Eric had looked at him with those soft and needy, caramel eyes. The look only appeared in moments when no one else was watching. It was a sexual look to be sure but with the passage of time since their only night together, the look had evolved and now contained a deep yet compromised love.

 

These silent and hidden looks of love did not surprise or bother Nick. He had known from the moment he had taken Eric to bed on that long ago night, there was something between them that could never be culled. Its strength and power had only grown and Nick often looked at Eric in the exact same manner. What was between them was like a jigsaw puzzle where no puzzle existed. The pieces were obvious to both men, broken down into physical attraction, sexual compatibility, love, deep respect and brotherly friendship. In between them stood two very different people that neither man could dismiss.

 

Even after the months since their first and only time together, the unusual bond between them remained and both knew theirs was a truly unique connection. It was a connection that both men cherished and would never relinquish while oddly knowing it could never be embraced and nurtured. Friendship was the unspoken compromise and yet strangely there was no compromise.

 

Nick knew that Eric stood one rung from the top of the ladder, from the position maintained by the person most important in his world. Billy held that position and though Nick knew it was true, in an additionally odd way, even that categorization was subjective in its truth. Somehow Billy and Eric were equal.

 

Nick knew he was madly in love with Billy. He adored him, loved him to the depths of his soul and he would never do anything to damage their relationship or hurt the young man. Just the thought of losing Billy could break his heart and he knew he could never let him go. In private conversations, Eric had understood and told Nick he felt the same way about Michelle. It was why Nick and Eric were so secure in the limited yet full relationship they maintained. He and Eric loved each other differently but the same.

 

On that Tuesday night nearly five months ago, Nick had considered the question of whether a person could fall in love with two people. He had never believed it was possible because he found the concept a struggle to grasp, at least until Eric and Billy came into his world. Now the fathomless ability of the heart to love without limit was a part of his life and his consciousness. He knew he would never change a thing but he also knew if things were different, things would change. It was the reason for his and Eric’s agreed upon restrictions.

 

Nick remembered how one day while he and Eric were driving, Eric said that if life saw fit to take Billy and Michelle away from them at the same time, then he could see no other path ahead then one in which he and Nick would walk together. Nick had remained silent in response, not agreeing or disagreeing but instinctively, he knew deep down he would want the same. In fact, he thought there was no one else he would rather spend his life with outside of Billy.

 

As Nick continued to lie silently and stare at Billy, he smiled at his thoughts because he knew everything was exactly the way it should be. His arms were still wrapped around Billy and he leaned closer and kissed his cheek. “I love you so much,” he whispered and squeezed him tight. He stared through the darkness at the silhouette of Billy’s sleeping face and he inhaled his sent and caressed his arm. He thought the thought he had never spoken to anyone, that Billy was Dan in a different form. His chest tightened in fullness with the emotion of love and he felt warmth like a moving liquid throughout his body.

 

Nick rolled onto his back and stared up at the vagueness of the ceiling. He still felt no tiredness even though his body was completely relaxed. He also felt the subtle grinding of the headache and again he wondered if despite its almost insignificant throb, if that was what was keeping him awake. It seemed a reasonable notion because he was a very regular sleeper with very regular sleeping habits. Not a single sleepless night had happened since he and Billy had become lovers.

 

Pictures of faces began to roll like a fast moving slideshow in his mind and they made him smile. All of his friends or family, in so many different ways, they filled him with warm feelings. Even Katie who had initially made him feel uncomfortable because of the scenario with Jack, now when they were together it was so easy, relaxed and friendly. In addition, Katie’s renewed friendship with Michelle and her relationship with Tyler, had not only changed Tyler in subtle ways, it had also changed the relationship between he and Tyler as well.

 

Nick’s thoughts and recollections whirled, taking him from one person to another or one situation to another, as the hours of the night slid by. They were all uplifting thoughts and pictures, which filled him with good feelings. Unfortunately, Nick thought none of it was helpful to his inability to sleep. Regardless, on and on his mind continued to roll without control.

 

Nick knew his life was good in everyway and that everything was going well. He had not a complaint to offer, real or imagined and it made no sense that the heaviness of sleep was not sweeping him away like it did every night. As that thought crossed his mind, he noticed first light through the parted curtains of the window and he knew the night was gone. Gently and quietly, he slid out of bed, stepped out of the room and closed the door.

 

Walking through the house, Nick felt a sense of peace. As he passed Bobby’s bedroom door, the only feelings he felt toward the man were now of a kind of kinship. Bobby was finally someone who truly belonged. Nick thought about how close he and Bobby had become. When other people were around, their relationship was sarcastic, condescending and quite competitive but when they were alone, they talked openly and honestly and there was now great trust and respect between them. Time had given them the knowledge they could rely on each other without question.

 

In the strangest of ways, Bobby and Billy were very much alike even though they were so different. Nick could see that while Bobby was tough on the outside, he was just like Billy on the inside. It was a likeness that became a building block to their connection. At the same time, Billy’s relationship to both he and Bobby, pulled them all closer and soon there came the feeling of family. It was because of that specifically, which made Bobby the closest thing to a real brother that Nick could have. It made Nick understand how Gail could call Jordan her stepbrother.

 

As Nick moved into the dining room and drew back the heavy curtains from the glass sliding doors, he thought about Brock. He opened the door and stepped out onto the back deck. Muscles lifted his head from his basket and though he was obviously tired following a late night, he trotted over as Nick walked outside.

 

Nick decided to sit on the ground and so with his butt on the wooden beamed surface and his back leaning against the house, he stretched out his long legs. He pulled Muscles onto his lap and the dog settled between his thighs, its snout resting on his knees, as Nick petted him from head to tail. He looked at the sky and watched the deepening of the rose pink sunrise, before his mind returned to Brock.

 

Brock and he had become very close as well. They were not as close as Nick was with Billy, Eric, Bobby or his father but for someone so new to the close circle of his life, Brock’s importance was right up there with all the others. Brock was also a hot and versatile, young stud, who due to the influence of their all-male, all gay household, had finally set free his shackles of self-doubt and often was seen walking naked to the bathroom. Nick had even thought that if there were no Bobby, no Billy and no Eric, he would love to savor in the taste of such a prime cut.

 

Nick smiled as he thought how because Brock and Billy were so close in age, they had formed a very special relationship with each other. It was not uncommon for Billy and Brock to form a comedic alliance against all of their friends and family. So often they would call everyone old geriatrics who were senile or suffering from Alzheimer’s, while saying things like “it’s good to be young.”

 

Nick softly chuckled at the thought as he stared at the colors that painted the palest yet beautiful blue, morning sky. The sunrise seemed somehow magical and everything seemed so right. It made him wonder why everything in his life had changed. He wondered what he had done to deserve to be given this wonderful new life; a life that seemed like a second chance, a life that made the old one seem almost inconceivable.

 

Softly Nick scratched Muscles behind the ear but Muscles lay silent and unmoving, awake while napping beneath the large stroking hand. Once again Nick thought that everything was perfect and then he said to his dog, “Maybe there is a god, Muscles?”

 

Instantly, Nick felt a shot of pain. It ran from behind his eye, like a drill bit spearing through his skull and deep into his brain. He did not cry out but rather, he inhaled a deep and breathy gasp that reflected his unexpected shock. His free hand swiftly moved and cupped his left eye with the sound of a clap. He moaned a moment later and then he saw the old flickering and shuddering of light in his peripheral vision, which he had suffered erratically for much of his adult life. He may have been used to the varying levels of the disturbing light, however, it had not happened since the long ago night in the shower with Billy.

 

This time, though, it was different. A scorching and excruciating pain accompanied the light in his eyes and at that moment, it felt like the sharpest needle removed from a white-hot flame. He gasped again and his head jerked back, creating a thud, as his skull hit the brick. It caused him pain but it was numb in comparison to the pain behind his eye.

 

Muscles swung around one hundred eighty degrees and looked up at Nick’s face. The dog knew something was wrong and stepped his front paws onto Nick’s big chest. He licked Nick’s chin and cried a sound he never had before. Nick curled his arm around Muscles, pulled him flat to his body and said quietly, “It’s okay, boy,” before cuddling him tight to stop the dog’s concerned distraction.

 

Closing his eyes against the infuriating light, he hoped to ease the feeling of the now searing pain. However, even behind the darkness of closed eyelids, still the lightening-shaped streaks of light, now looking more silver and blue with spots of gold, continued to move snake-like but slow.

 

“Oh fuck,” he said in a gasping fashion and his whole body jerked reactively to the excruciating thrust of the pain.

 

A sudden thought occurred to Nick when the pain eased momentarily. The thought did not scare him but it filled him with a sense of injustice and a feeling of resentment, yet with no target to hit. It was a thought filled with certainty and though he could not believe it, it initiated another remark directed at Muscles.

 

“No, I was right all along. Random and chaotic, that’s what it is, Muscles,” he said as his face contorted with a pained grimace, which continued the thought he was going to die. He gasped again from another shot of pain and then groaned loudly.

 

Nick wanted to move, to stand, to do anything but the pain paralyzed him. He thought of Billy and he wanted to go to him, not for help but to see him one last time and to tell him that he loved him. He then thought he would never get to hold Eric again. His thoughts sped up. Four months after his dad had come into his life, like so many other people before, he was going to lose his father. The wonderful man was being taken away again.

 

Suddenly, pictures came into his mind, one after another. He saw Helen, his mother, first. He had no recall of Helen other than the image from the photograph that Mary had given him and so it was the only memory his mind could produce. He then saw the photograph of Helen and Mary in an embrace. Nick felt an intense sense of family and belonging but it was snatched from him as another shot of pain near broke him. Lauren Baker’s face came next and he felt a warm feeling before he saw his buddy, Jake. He then saw Julia and Dan before he saw the kindly face of Estelle but a moment later he saw Eric.

 

“I love you,” he thought but then he saw Billy and the same words ran through his mind. Like flicking through pages of a book, he saw Ann’s face and then Honey, then Michelle, Tim, Jordan, James, Krace, Tyler, Katie, Bobby, Brock, Gail and finally, Rafael. Nick’s heart was full but still he wanted to cry. A moment later, he heard the cry of Muscles. Nick gasped and he squeezed his dog tightly.

 

Muscles cried as he squirmed to release himself from Nick’s deeply threatened grip and then finally, he slid free. The Beagle tore into and through the house and began scratching at the bedroom door. A moment later Muscles began to cry and then his whines grew louder until he began to bark in crying calls for help.

 

Nick and Billy’s door opened and so did Bobby and Brock’s. The three men walked out into the hallway looking tired and confused. Muscles lifted onto his back legs and then dropped down and ran while barking like a maniac. Suddenly, Billy looked back into the room at the empty bed.

 

“Nick,” he cried out knowingly and he took off at a sprint down the hallway after Muscles.

 

Brock and Bobby looked at each other and then followed a moment later. When they reached the opened door and looked out, they saw Billy and Muscles on either side of Nick’s legs, Billy shaking Nick and calling his name, before the lack of response began a fearful river of tears.

 

Bobby turned and ran to the closest phone and was instantly dialing the emergency number. Brock stood frozen momentarily, trying to grasp what was happening and also how something like this could have occurred. He looked at Billy’s face and he saw the change of expression. It transitioned from fear to horror, as Billy continued to shake Nick’s body and call his name.

 

Brock opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but nothing came out. He looked down at Billy again and that was when he saw the look that seemed incongruous. Billy was still crying rivers but suddenly he was silent and Brock saw the confused disbelief. It was a look that asked how and why could Nick be gone. Glancing at Nick’s stillness and then back to Billy’s face, a moment later Brock felt dizzy and like he was going to collapse.

 

Drawing on what seemed like every ounce of strength from within, Brock yelled to Bobby to hurry with the call and then he was out the door and leaning over Muscles to get closer to Nick. He knew nothing of CPR and had no medical knowledge but just like he had seen on television, he stretched out his fingers and felt for a pulse in Nick’s neck.

 

There came the sound of Bobby rushing onto the deck, his important remark that the ambulance was on its way, only barely being heard. He moved behind Brock and looked down at Nick and then he dropped to his knees and rested his hand on Brock’s back.

 

The tension in the comfortable morning air was thick. No one spoke; they just stared at the man they loved, the one who had brought them all together. Billy kept nudging Nick’s arm, which he could not bring himself to let go of. Each time the nudge was accompanied by Nick’s name but Billy’s voice was growing quieter. His silent tears seemed to be the loudest and most influential thing coming from any of them.

 

A moment later, just for a short time, Nick’s eyes opened. Brock’s hand slid away from his neck while a smile began to form on his face. Bobby’s hand moved up and gripped Brock’s shoulder tightly and Billy gasped in shock more than relief.

 

Nick looked at Bobby behind them and then his eyes dropped down to Brock. A moment later he looked at Muscles and then finally his eyes fell onto Billy. He smiled and though it lit up his face as it always did, still there was a weakness to it. His eyes closed again and he whispered, “My life and my family” and then with complete loss of control, his chin dropped toward his chest and he became completely still.

 

Billy screamed, “No” and Brock fell back onto his haunches in shock. Bobby’s arms surrounded Brock and held him. In their certainty, they all stared in silence.

 

In that moment, the sun finally lifted beyond the horizon and its golden rays came to rest on Nick’s face. Muscles cried again and then he licked Nick’s motionless fingers, as they lay on the hard, red wood of the deck.

 

***

 

His large and powerful male body, sliced through the water with strength rather than lithe agility. The arch of his spine and the curve of his back made him turn upward. His feet thrust hard against the sandy ocean floor and he shot toward the surface. The water split and sprayed in great strands and huge droplets, as his body merged between water and air. Time stopped, a still picture for a millisecond and then his body dropped back down, before bobbing and floating, head and huge shoulders above the ocean’s skin.

 

They were eye catching aqua waters, so calm and crystal clear. At the water’s edge, a white plateau of clean, sun-drenched sand, lying naked in acceptance of consistent wet kisses. Beyond, a break of sand dunes populated by straggled brush, beach houses and cottages, filled a small portion of the relatively untouched land.

 

Only two other people were on the beach. They were two young and virile black men and they occupied a preferred solitude at the other end of the beach. They were partially hidden as they sat at the edge of the dunes, the bush-like scrub reaching their position. Still they were visible enough to reveal their embrace, as one sat between the other’s legs, chest to back and arms enfolded. Something about the way they held each other initiated a sense of recollection but he could not remember holding or being held by someone in that way. They took no notice of the lone man walking toward the shore.

 

Walking into the increasing shallows his body rose up, a deeply and richly tanned white man, Neptune rising from the depths. Water streaked his smooth, tanned flesh, the sun glistening as it sparkled upon his liquid skin and jet-black hair. Muscle quivered and flexed while powerful thighs decreased distance with a forward dance through the volume of salt water.

 

The man felt at peace amidst his extraordinary and beautiful surrounds but deep behind his spearing blue eyes was discomfort. The sun felt magnificent as its rays caressed him and seemed to fill every cell. The sand was soft while its radiated heat tingled the soles of his feet. A gentle yet warm breeze touched his nakedness like apprehensive fingers and all of this while his heart pumped evenly and his breathing remained calm.

 

Life it seemed was magnificent if not perfect but inside, in some hidden place, he knew it was alien and wrong. He felt a type of tension, a stiffness situated at the hairline of his forehead and he lifted his hand and slid his fingers over the spot. There was something there, an odd protrusion like a welt or scar, his skin not smooth and even. Without a mirror, though, it was invisible to his sight and he had no idea what it was. It initiated the recognition that there was something he should remember. His face grimaced from the realization he was incapable of recalling any memories.

 

Regardless of this piece of the world, a location of wonder and spectacle that held a feeling of peace, he began to wonder where he was, why he was there and how he had come to be there. Then it occurred to him that he did not know who he was. He stopped dead in his tracks, his body and face frozen. How could he be both someone and somewhere but not know either. He looked around helplessly.

 

Suddenly, standing by the sandy path that led onto the beach, he saw a group of people who had not been there moments before. He felt an intuitive sense of comfort but then he realized something about these people was wrong. They were all standing there and facing him but though he could not hear them, he was certain they were calling him and asking him to come and join them. How he wanted to go to them. He felt as if he knew them all so well. He recognized most of the clothing they were wearing and as they beckoned him with inviting hand gestures, he almost stepped forward in approach. He felt no threat from them, rather he felt love but then he realized he could not see their faces. There were no eyes or mouths or any facial features, only a blurred, ghostly shimmer.

 

The man felt completely unsettled and then suddenly he felt pressure, like a weight pushing down on him. Immediately following he again felt something was wrong and he was filled with a need to escape. He looked up in frustration but the delicious blue sky had now been filled with rolling, dark storm clouds. Gusting wind came as if from out of nowhere. It swirled, lifting the dry sand and causing it to whip his naked body from every direction. His perfect surroundings were becoming frightening.

 

He turned toward the water to stop the sand from striking his eyes and that was when he saw the wave. Its size was inconceivable and its shadow cast as far as he could see. It was a dirty, dark green wall of water and it looked like something from a natural disaster movie. He briefly wondered how it had come so quickly and without his knowledge. He knew he needed to run, to get away and yet still he knew he had no time. He was certain he was going to die. He tried anyway but when he turned to run, the wind was so strong it held him in place. He thought the whole situation was unfair and that his choices and rights had been removed. He wished he could remember and he wished he could go back to wherever he had come from.

 

He felt compassion for the other people on the beach. He looked in the direction of the two men but now there was only sand. He looked toward the group of faceless people, only to discover that they were gone as well. He wondered why he must do this on his own. He felt so alone.

 

Resigned, he turned around. The wave was almost on top of him and it generated a gust of wind that pushed him backwards a couple of steps. His head lifted, his eyes grazing up the dark and frightening surface and then he felt the rain of the spray falling onto his face and body. It was so cold and then the top curled and began to drop. He knew he had only seconds left. He saw faces in his mind that filled him with emotion and then everything went black.

 

Following the immersion into blackness, everything felt unnatural and unreal and all of this while he could not see a thing. He wondered if he was asleep and dreaming but then he thought if he were dreaming, he would be watching moving pictures and participating in unrealistic and bizarre events, just like the ones he had been watching previously. A moment later, amidst the blackness, there was silence.

 

To be continued...