Chapter 27 

 

When Nick stepped down from his Jeep onto the surface of the parking lot, he was wearing different clothes. He stared at the hotel in front of him nervously and wondered how things were going to play out. He was so tentative and yet so excited that his nervousness felt like nausea. He wanted to run forward but he also wanted to run away.

 

The phone call earlier had been from Tim. It was the moment of certainty for Nick, when thoughts and imaginings were about to become real. He was soon to meet his father and almost a panic set in. He left Billy’s apartment and returned to his own. He shaved and then showered for the second time that day, cleaned his teeth again, splashed on some aftershave and then donned white dress shorts, his best shorts, before sliding into his new runners. On top, he pulled on a stunning, new, aqua polo shirt he had purchased that morning for this exact occasion. He stood staring into the mirror for nearly ten minutes trying to make his hair different to its normal, natural style, until finally Billy let his presence outside the door be known.

 

“Nick, baby, calm down. You look handsome and very respectable. I promise you he’s going to be impressed with the fruit of his loins and he’s going to love you.”

 

Nick swung around and looked at Billy, surprised he was there, leaning against the doorframe.

 

“Are you sure? I really want him to like me.”

 

Billy rolled his eyes but he understood. “Nick, he’s your father and though I have no doubt he will be blown away when he sees what his son looks like, I really don’t think that is going to be of concern to him. He wants to meet you, not appraise you for purchase. Nick, he wants to get to know you and find out who you are. He’s going to want to hear all about you and to learn about your life. I promise you, when he gets to know you he’s going to be so proud of you.”

 

Nick’s face suddenly relaxed. He crossed the room and took Billy into his arms and kissed him.

 

“Thank you, Billy. I know I probably sound like a bit of a dick but I’m just so nervous. Do I look gay?”

 

Billy had to bite his tongue, hard, to stop himself from collapsing onto the floor in laughter. Only the previous night, during an extended conversation, Nick had told Billy how since coming out and talking openly with Eric and particularly since he had been staying with Billy and living and loving as a gay man, he no longer cared or felt insecure about being gay. Billy knew as he looked at him now, Nick simply did not want his father to know he was gay before he told him.

 

“Nick, are you serious? There is nothing and I mean absolutely nothing about you that comes across as gay. If someone with the most perfect gaydar walked past you, you would be invisible. Most people would pigeonhole you as a gorgeous hunk of straight, white meat. Anyway, you don’t have to come out to your father in the first thirty seconds. Also, this isn’t just about you, it’s about him as well. You know, he’s probably worried that you won’t like him. Nick, you’re just stressing out. All you have to do is remember to breathe and then bite the bullet. Breathe and relax. It’s going to be okay.”

 

Billy’s words calmed Nick and up until this moment as he alighted his Jeep, all he had been doing was what needed to be done. Thought, action and outcome, a simple course of steps, one after the other.

 

The sun was beating down onto Nick’s handsome, tanned face. He slid his sunglasses off and squeezed the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb, before sliding the sunglasses back on. As always, he looked ruggedly handsome and even driving in the Jeep with the wind in his hair had not changed the way it framed his head, in a chaotic perfection. His eyes were gleaming behind his glasses but they were also a display of wide, nervous apprehension. He squeezed his car keys in his fist and walked toward the hotel doorway.

 

It was not one of the big name hotels that most people knew. This was a somewhat smaller, independent hotel. Nick had never even heard of it but he found it easily and it was not too far from home. It was right on the Detroit River, hence the name, Roberts Riverwalk Hotel.

 

“Good afternoon. I’m here to visit one of your guests. His name is Tim Ryan and I’m Nick Rawlins. I believe he’s expecting me.”

 

“Ah yes, Mr Rawlins, Mr Ryan informed me of your arrival. He asked me to direct you outside. He said he would be waiting for you by the river,” the hotel concierge said, pointing in the direction, which led toward the large doors on the river side of the hotel.”

 

“Thank you,” Nick said and immediately walked away.

 

As Nick approached the open doors, he could see the expanse of the river and his nerves shot through his body again. He came to a halt, now not really seeing or hearing anything. He looked down at his clothes to make sure he looked okay and then with a large inhalation of breath, he began to breathe deeply like Billy had suggested. He walked out the door and stood still, his eyes scanning the riverfront, looking for the man who could be his father.

 

Nick suddenly realized he had no idea what his father looked like. He began to freak out, thinking he had come twenty-seven years and that now he would not even get to meet him. Instantly he rolled his eyes at his stupidity. He thought he only needed to go back inside and ask the man behind the desk. However, at that moment, Nick’s gaze settled on a tall, blonde haired man staring over the river. Two separate couples were walking to the left, and a mother and father were walking to the right with two children. The only person who was not moving was the man staring across the water. Nick could not see his face or even how old the man was but every instinct, indeed every cell of his body, told Nick he was looking at his father.

 

Nick was frozen to the spot. He had never known his father had blonde hair. He did not know why but he had always assumed that like his mother and him, Tim would have shining, black hair as well. He scanned the man’s body. He may have been wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants but Nick could still see the man was big like him. He smiled as he realized he had his father’s body.

 

“At least we have something in common. Come on, Nick, just like Billy said, bite the bullet and continue to breathe,” he thought.

 

Nick walked down the path that led from the hotel. The small groups of people that had been walking beside the river had moved in alternate directions into the distance. Only the blonde haired man was near the hotel.

 

Nick turned to the left onto the Riverwalk path and headed toward the man. He maintained a position at the back edge of the path, as he traversed the distance. The closer he came the more his chest was tightening. When he was only a few yards away, he softened his footfalls, cautiously giving himself the option to escape at the last moment. Even so, he knew he would not and did not want to run away and he also knew he wanted to be right behind him when he spoke to him for the very first time.

 

When Nick finally reached the man’s position he stopped, standing behind but just off from his right shoulder. He stared at the back of his head, the blonde hair perfectly natural. His gaze grazed down and across the long and broad expanse of a large man’s back. He looked down at the thick thighs and assumed his father liked to play sport like him. He looked back up to his shoulders and it was then he realized he was slightly taller than his father.

 

“Dad?”

 

Nick could not believe the word had left his mouth. He had been so determined to call him Tim but he was not thinking, not really and it had just poured from between his lips like breath.

 

The man turned around and stared at Nick. His eyes were exactly the same. It was like looking into a mirror. Nick wondered how Mary could say he had his mother’s eyes when he so obviously had his father’s. Their gaze locked and the air around them seemed to stop, as it flooded with thick emotion. The man was incredibly handsome and the fundamental structure of their faces, made it obvious they were closely related. Both of their mouths fell open.

 

“Nick?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“My god. Look at you,” Tim said.

 

Nick asked, feeling both self-conscious and insecure, “What?”

 

“You’re incredible, I couldn’t have imagined,” Tim clarified.

 

Nick blushed, not from embarrassment but from pride that his father liked what he saw. In that solitary moment, Nick wanted to reach out and take his father into his arms. He believed he should not, he believed it was too soon and too trusting but his arms had lifted subconsciously and began to stretch out. He looked down and saw his father lift his hand for a handshake. Nick dropped one arm and began to extend the other for the handshake but at the same time, Tim lifted his other arm for the embrace. Yet again, both men noticed and adjusted their actions and yet again they were opposite. They both smiled and then chuckled softly.

 

“Perhaps we could come to an agreement, Nick. I would love to hug you but I didn’t think it would be appropriate or more to the point, I didn’t think you’d want me to.”

 

I was thinking the same but I guess nothing is happening the way I planned,” Nick said.

 

“Well, so far, Nick, I like everything you’ve said and done. You choose and we’ll go with that.”

 

Nick looked at his father. Despite his decision that a handshake would be enough, he wanted to hug him desperately. He did not think about it or question the incongruity and so he did not realize the extent he wanted his father in his life. The little boy inside of him was begging to hold his dad. He said nothing as he stared at him, walked forward and then wrapped his arms around him. He was overwhelmed when he felt his father’s arms surround him and hold him close and tight.

 

“I’m sorry, Nick,” he whispered into his ear.

 

The words struck Nick so hard. They were like a red-hot poker removed from the coals of a burning fire and then placed against ice. They drilled into his chest until they hit his heart and it felt like something was pealing away, like years of hurt were melting, just like ice from a hot poker.

 

Tears rolled from Nick’s eyes. He tried so hard to hold them back but it was like holding back the ocean, it was impossible. Nick was put at ease, though, when revealing he was an emotional man as well, Tim was softly crying too. They stood unmoving in front of the river, alone on an empty footpath. They wept and held each other like the world had just changed forever.

 

Soon, though, both men took stock of themselves and as they broke from their embrace, they began to walk along the path. They were silent for a short time but eventually Tim eased the way with the first words of times long past.

 

Tim had been running through a myriad of ways to begin their talk, from light hearted chat to questions about his son but the moment he saw Nick’s reaction to him, he stopped thinking about what he should say and just let the words fall from his mouth spontaneously.

 

“I suppose I should start at the beginning and move forward to that fateful day but before I do, I want you to know that having a son is nothing other than wonderful to me. I want to know all about you, Nick. I want to hear about everything you’ve experienced. You’re my son and if we can, I want us to become close, very close and I want to share in your life.”

 

Nick stopped walking and he turned more directly toward his father. Tim stopped a step later and turned back toward Nick as well. Tim wondered if he had come on too strong, too quickly. He did not regret what he had said because it was true but if it was too much for Nick, he knew he was about to regret it.

 

Nick said, “Is that true? I mean do you really feel that way? I don’t want you to say things because you think you should out of some misguided obligation. If we’re going to get to know each other and have a relationship, I want it to be true and honest.”

 

Tim breathed with relief. “Nick, everything I just said to you is true. Every word and every feeling came from my heart and though I do feel an obligation because I wasn’t there for you, there is nothing misguided about my desire to get to know you and spend time with you. You have my word, Nick.”

 

Nick was holding back more tears but this time he succeeded. He nodded to his father and smiled at the same time before he said, “I want all of that too.”

 

Tim took a chance as far as he was concerned and he reached out and wrapped his arm around Nick’s shoulders. He pulled the sides of their bodies together and locked his grip and then began walking them again.

 

“I loved your mother, Nick. I really did.”

 

Nick slid his hand into his right pocket and he wrapped his fingers around the specific item he had made sure to bring with him. Enclosing it within his fist, he pulled his hand out of his pocket but kept it at his side.

 

Nick asked, “Really?”

 

“Absolutely. We met when we began high school and I suppose you could say we were the epitome of high school sweethearts. We knew each other very well, well at least as much as we knew ourselves. We spent so much time together. We had to be careful of how we acted though. You see, Helen’s father, your grandfather, he was a preacher and really very staunch and strict. I guess you already know that but anyway, there was no way he would have allowed us to even kiss. It all had to be very proper and conservative. Your mother and I always worried that someone would see us and tell him, so anytime we kissed or embraced it was hidden from view. Not that anything inappropriate happened, well, at least not before the night you were conceived.”

 

Excluding the details only his father could know, Nick knew some of what he was being told but he did not care. He loved the sound of his father’s voice and he did not want him to stop talking, ever. He thought he would have been prepared to listen to him count from one to infinity.

 

“We shared many of the same classes, we went to the odd dances and Helen came to watch me play my football games.”

 

Nick asked excitedly, “You played football?”

 

“Yeah. In fact I was considered a bit of a star, if you know what I mean. Not good enough to go on and become professional, well not in my mind but in the school’s eyes, yeah, I was a star for a couple of years.”

 

“I play football,” Nick said.

 

“Well, looking at you and with a body like that I wouldn’t be at all surprised,” Tim replied.

 

“It’s just a local league but I love it and it’s fun. I always loved playing football. I love the hard hits and I love it when I do something or achieve something that makes the other guys happy and proud to have me on their team. Actually, Eric, the guy who made this happen, he’s one of my teammates.”

 

“I want to talk to you about him but all in good time. We can get to everything, I hope,” Tim said.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I interrupted what you were saying,” Nick said, misinterpreting.

 

“Nick, no, I wasn’t dismissing what you said. I want you to say whatever you want to say and whenever you want to. I’m glad you let me know we had football in common and as I said, I want to know everything about you. Please feel free to always talk to me without holding back. I just meant we had so much to talk about that we could return to him later. Following Eric’s phone call, I have wondered about him and what led him to do what he did.”

 

“He’s an amazing man and he’s my best friend,” Nick said.

 

“I’m glad you’ve got good friends, Nick.”

 

“I’ve got a couple, well now anyway,” Nick said and then laughed.

 

Tim asked, “What’s funny about that? What do you mean?”

 

“I think we can cover that later as well. As you said, we’ll get to it. I think there is a lot we have to get to,” Nick replied.

 

“Tell me about it,” Tim said and then laughed in an identical manner. Neither man noticed they had the same laugh but they grinned at each other with curiosity about what the other wanted to say.

 

“So, back to you and mom,” Nick said and Tim nodded.

 

“Helen and I had fallen in love by midway through high school and we often talked about being together forever. We even talked about getting married and having a family; it was something we both wanted. We really were very good together. We never fought or got on each other’s nerves. It was basically perfect between us. Since I learned of your existence, I’ve thought a great deal about her and I’ve been considering how it now seems to me as if there was something that was meant to happen between us – that of course being you.”

 

Nick felt a huge flush of heat rush through his body and he knew it was a sense of belonging, a sense of family. It made him feel worthy.

 

“On that night I felt closer to Helen than I had felt at any other time before. We had been out and had a fantastic time together. You see, Nick, my father had taken a job in California and my family was moving away. Both Helen and I were devastated but it seemed like there was nothing we could do. We had decided to accept that life was going to change but before the night was over, we went parking. We kissed and made out but we didn’t go beyond first base. As I said, we never had before. Anyway, the feelings in me kept rising. I was really devastated that I was leaving her when I didn’t want to. It came out of the blue.”

 

Nick asked as Tim looked thoughtfully at the river and stopped talking momentarily, “What came out of the blue?”

 

“It was a thought. A thought that if we got married, I wouldn’t have to go to California. There was nothing clear about it at all but there was suddenly doubt as the question in my head asked if she really felt as strongly for me, as I felt for her. It was that thought that made me suggest what I did. I was young and probably a bit stupid, not to mention male and so I said to Helen that if she would have sex with me to prove she really loved me, I would stay in Boston and marry her. Nothing else occurred to me as a possible outcome or consequence. We didn’t even discuss it and less than a minute later, Helen agreed.

 

“Nick, we were both virgins but there was nothing fumbling or awful about what happened between us. It was beautiful, magical even and we both made tender love to each other. Nick, you were conceived from love.”

 

Nick forced them both to stop walking as his throat knotted up. He was silently begging that his mother could be there with them, even though he knew it was impossible. He may have been twenty-seven but at that moment he felt like a little boy. A couple of tears were rolling over his cheeks and as Tim turned and looked at him, he pulled him into his arms and held him again.

 

Tim was somewhat surprised by Nick’s reaction. His emotional behavior made sense but his son was such a big, masculine man, his appearance suggesting he was not the type to cry so easily. Tim had not expected such strong reactions, particularly after the first phone call. The tears and the cracking voice made him truly begin to wonder what had happened to Nick and what sort of life he had lived. Nick pulled himself together, stepped away and they began to walk again. After a short time of silence, Tim continued with his story.

 

“Nick, you need to understand that when it was over, Helen and I were in complete agreement. I was going to go home, tell my parents we were going to be married and that I wasn’t going to go to California with them. I was going to stay and meet Helen the next day to tell her family.

 

“That was where everything fell apart. I was, emotionally speaking, the idealistic boy. I mean sure I was twenty at the time but I was really just a boy in a large body and looking through rose colored glasses. I didn’t even know the real man I was or was going to be. I also and this is hard for me to say, was very weak. I mean I wasn’t strong in asserting my will or myself, at least when it came to my father.

 

“The moment I got home I raced inside to see my parents. I was all smiles and filled with dreams of the future with Helen but when I told them what I wanted to do, what happened next had been beyond my comprehension. I had thought they would be happy for me but instead they both started screaming at me. I was in shock at first and then I was a crumbling mess. I just didn’t know how to stand up to him in particular. He told me to wake up to myself, ordered me to put my fanciful ideas to death and when for just a second I felt some strength and said no to him, he threatened to cut me out of my family and told me I would never see him, my mother or my sister again. I caved at the thought.”

 

This time it was Tim who stopped. He took a step away from Nick and turned directly toward the river. He stood with his hands on his hips, shaking his head at the water. His eyes were wet and the self-loathing was obvious but so was the hatred toward his father.

 

Nick stood to the side looking at him. All of it was true and he knew deep inside it was. Nothing had been what he thought. As much as he hated it all, he now knew that his assumptions from what Mary had said had been wrong. A strange relief moved through him and he felt an honest closeness to his father. He walked over to him and he squeezed his shoulder in subtle support.

 

“I’m so sorry, Nick. I guess I have to admit that all of this is my fault. I was naïve and ignorant but right now that doesn’t seem like an acceptable excuse. I can only pray that you had a good life to this point and that my actions weren’t the cause of too much difficulty or pain.”

 

Nick was taken aback by these words. He wondered how he could even tell his father what had really happened. He could see the pain in his father’s eyes and he did not want to be the cause of more. It hurt him to see his father that way.

 

“Anyway, enough of my self-pity because in a certain way I truly believe things, at least for me, worked out the way they were meant to.”

 

Nick’s expression changed as he looked at Tim and took in those words. He wondered what he meant but Nick also thought they seemed dismissive of his circumstances and the life he was forced to go through. Tim’s words seemed self-serving and thoughtless.

 

“It was the very next day that my family and I left for California. I tried to call Helen before we left but my father caught me and made me hang up the phone. I tried to call her again from California but I was caught again. My parents were watching me like hawks. I even went out and tried to call her from a public phone but he followed me and stopped me before I could. After that my father ordered me to break away from what he called my childish feelings and thoughts. Once again he threatened he would kick me out, the second time with more absoluteness in his voice. I should have let him kick me out but I was scared of the thought of being separated from the foundation of my family. I also couldn’t bear to lose my little sister and so once again I caved, this time for the final time. I can only imagine what Helen thought of me because I never tried to contact her again,” he said guiltily.

 

Tim turned toward the river and he stared at it as he once again relived all the resentment he had felt toward his father. Nick was looking at him and he wanted to help him and ease the obvious anger. To Nick, it seemed like his father really loved his mother and so the unrelated question he had been wondering for so long, seemed like a good way to change the subject and also settle Tim’s frustration.

 

Nick raised his right arm so that his hand was in Tim’s line of sight. He opened his fist and the jade heart dropped until it hung from the leather strap around his index finger. Nick was about to ask Tim if he recognized it but he already knew the answer. The change of expression on Tim’s face revealed astonishment.

 

“I wondered if you gave this to mom?”

 

“My god. Yes, I did, Nick, the night we made love.”

 

“I had a feeling it was from you,” Nick said.

 

“It was like a going away gift, Nick. It was the first thing I did when we parked. It wasn’t really expensive but I thought it was beautiful and I knew Helen would absolutely love it. She did and she told me she’d wear it forever. It was following that when we started making out and then made love.”

 

Tim sighed in the extreme. He turned and looked at Nick and he shook his head. “I tell you, Nick, I could do with a drink right now, how about you?”

 

“Sure,” Nick said agreeably.

 

Tim was being honest after reliving the past while feeling it so strongly but he also knew what he was about to reveal to his son. He did not know how it was going to go down or how Nick would react and he did not want a scene to take place outside.

 

“Let’s go up to my room and we can relax and I can tell you the rest of what happened.”

 

Nick nodded and they turned around and headed back toward the hotel. Nick was staring at the river as they walked. There was something peaceful about the spot they were and he was happy to be there. He did not really want to go inside and nor did he need a drink but he wanted to know everything and he thought it mattered little, where he was when he learned the whole truth. He thought of Eric and he was glad he had made these events come to pass. He was now up to the part where Eric had completed and told him there was more. He wondered what the more was going to be. He glanced at his father and he thought it was nice to be with him.

 

As they headed back to the hotel, trying to continue their conversation and still learn more, Nick asked, “Twice you’ve mentioned you had a little sister, what’s her name and how old is she?”

 

“Her name is Gail and she’s thirty-two,” Tim replied.

 

Nick asked, not really understanding, “Thirty-two?”

 

Tim looked at Nick and recognizing the curiosity, which was undoubtedly regarding the age difference, he explained, “My parents married young, which is rather hypocritical if you think about what they did and said to me. Anyway, they were both about planning, that is, family, business and lifestyle planning. They decided one child would be best to achieve the life they wanted. Fifteen years after I was born however, they decided another child might be nice and so before it got too late for my mother to try again, they stopped using contraception and Gail was born. I loved her from the moment I laid eyes on her and despite the age difference between us, the older she got the closer we became.”

 

Nick asked, “Are you still close?”

 

“Well, adulthood and life can get in the way of relationships but though we don’t see or talk to each other as much as we once did, still we’re close and we still talk openly with each other about everything,” Tim clarified.

 

“Must be nice,” Nick said wistfully, “does she live near you?”

 

“Not anymore. When we left Massachusetts we moved to Los Angeles. Two years later something happened and I had a falling out with my parents. As a consequence I moved up to San Francisco. When Gail came of age, she had a problem with our parent’s narrow-minded perspectives and so she moved south and now lives in San Diego with her husband, Rafael. We still keep in touch but probably not as much as we should. In fact, I was going to call her about you because she’s family and because I know she would want to know. After giving it some thought, though, I decided to wait and see how things turned out when you and I met,” Tim explained.

 

Nick nodded but said nothing more and they continued toward the hotel. It was yet another new experience for Nick when he walked into Tim’s room. In fact, the hotel and everything he saw as he walked through it was new to him. He thought Tim’s room was amazing and he imagined every other room would be the same. It was what he thought wealth looked like because he did not know any better. It seemed fit for royalty with the chandeliers and fixtures, the wood of the desk, tables and chairs and also the enormous bed the size of which he had never seen before. It was just a king size bed but if he had known that was what they were called, Nick probably would have imagined he was right about royalty. The crispness of the bed linen, so white and clean, the delicious blue of the heavy curtains and the dark and natural browns and beiges of the furnishings, made him see how cheaply he allowed himself to live.

 

Tim asked, “What would you like to drink?”

 

“Just a coffee would be fine,” Nick replied.

 

Tim had been thinking more along the line of alcohol but he decided Nick’s idea was probably better. He thought keeping his wits and reasoning clear would be to his benefit, particularly with the information he was about to bring out into the open. He made them both a coffee and then he sat down in a chair opposite Nick. He thought that so much time and life had gone by. He had experienced so much and he was no longer concerned with his sexuality or who knew. However, this entire situation changed the rules and he had to be considerate of his son, even if Nick did not like it or understand.

 

Nick was watching his father closely. He could see the tension growing in his face. He was only forty-seven and he did not look old or lined. In fact, Nick thought his father looked incredible and was so good looking. Irrespective, now that they were there and the next chapter was about to begin, Nick knew that something was bothering Tim.

 

“Nick, what I am about to tell you, well, normally I wouldn’t care what someone thought but because it’s you, I care. Please try to understand.”

 

“Dad…”

 

Nick stopped when he heard the word come out of his mouth for the second time. It unsettled him again but he was saying it all too easily and it strangely did not seem foreign or wrong.

 

Tim grinned. He knew what was going through Nick’s head and he understood. Still it amused him a little but he also liked the sound of it.

 

“Nick, it’s okay. A slip of the tongue, a mistake or true desire, I’ll know the difference when and if you say it and really feel what is behind it. I have to say I have to keep stopping myself from saying son.”

 

Nick asked, shocked by the knowledge, “Really, you want to call me, Son?”

 

“Of course I do. I want to say it and feel it and mean it. Don’t you really want to call me Dad in the same way?”

 

“Yeah, I do.”

 

“Well, let’s just see what time has in store for us. What do you say?” Tim asked and Nick nodded agreeably.

 

“The thing is, what I was going to say was that I want you to feel free with me, the way you said you want me to feel free with you. Nothing of what is happening here between us is particularly easy but some of it’s nice and some of it’s hard. Someone, a very special friend, gave me some advice when he saw how nervous I was about meeting you and talking to you. The advice was to bite the bullet and remember to breathe. So far, it’s worked for me. I may or may not like what you tell me but I have to say my friend was right and it helps when you keep those two things in mind. Take a deep breath and then bite the bullet,” Nick said.

 

Tim smiled. He inhaled deeply and then he began. “Well Nick, just over a year after I arrived in California, something happened that would forever change my life. I had by that point adjusted to my new life. I had new friends and was relatively happy. I say relatively because there was one part of my life that I wasn’t happy with. It was my love and sex life. I was trying to blame my parents for what I was thinking and feeling, for not allowing me to marry your mother but the truth was, I was lying to myself.”

 

Totally oblivious to what was coming, Nick asked, “What do you mean?”

 

“Nick, for many years before I left Boston, I had these deep feelings. I didn’t want to accept them or believe they could be true. I denied them because I didn’t want to understand them, mainly because I was afraid of them. I knew they were important but they didn’t make sense to me, particularly later because of how I felt about your mother. My feelings for Helen made it easier for me to continue to push them away.

 

“I don’t know, maybe you could say it was like an urge to take off and go and live in Europe, in some sort of bohemian resort but then, I decided the mores and norms I had been raised with were all that I really needed. So I continued to ignore the feelings but when I arrived in California, one night that all changed.”

 

Nick was looking at his father studiously but even though he probably should have caught on, the way Tim was trying to ease into it and with the metaphors combined, it was making it all too vague and he still had no idea.

 

“On that night, my best friend and I went out on the town. We got really drunk and then eventually we went back to his place. He was a very special friend.”

 

The moment Nick heard the words, “special friend” and remembered he had used them regarding Billy only minutes before, the penny dropped. He was not one hundred percent certain but he was at least ninety percent certain and his eyes opened wide as the thought went through his head. Tim could not help but see the reaction on his son’s face and he was fairly certain Nick was ahead of the game.

 

“So Nick, I think you have just seen through my stealthy approach before I reached the destination. I guess I should just get to the point. During that night in my drunken state, my friend, a man, seduced me. I struggled with what was happening but the whole time I knew there was a degree of hypocrisy taking place inside of me. I didn’t want it to happen but even more so, I desperately wanted it to happen and I wanted him to be the one. Eventually I stopped struggling and I embraced the experience.”

 

Nick’s mouth was hanging open even though he was unaware of it. His eyes could not have been open any wider and he was stunned into silence. Tim was looking at him and he was completely uncertain how he was going to react when the shock subsided. He knew he had to finish, though. He knew he had to say the words and so he continued.

 

“Nick, ever since that night, I knew with all my heart and soul, I wasn’t heterosexual. Nick, I’m a gay man and I live an active gay life. I’m in a relationship with a man, the same man in fact, a man who I love deeply and with all my heart.”

 

Nick’s expression did not change. He just could not believe what he had heard. It was simply inconceivable or at least that was how it seemed to him, for both he and his father to be gay. He wondered if such a thing had ever happened before. Still he sat frozen in disbelief and Tim waited patiently for something, for anything, to happen. Nothing did.

 

“Nick, are you okay?”

 

Nick finally blinked and then he nodded that he was.

 

“Do you hate me? Does what I’ve told you disturb you or sicken you?”

 

Nick shook his head.

 

“Please Nick, I need you to say something. I need you to tell me what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling or if you don’t want to know me anymore.”

 

Those final words, “if you don’t want to know me anymore,” were all it took to make Nick snap out of his shock. His eyes returned from their distant appearance and he looked at Tim, shook his head and began to smile.

 

One of the major things that had been torturing him was that his father would want him in his life but then discard him when he discovered he was gay. The problem dissolved instantly and he felt the weight lift and float away. In that moment, Nick remembered how down at the river, his father’s words made him feel wanted and needed and now with what he had revealed, Nick felt so at ease.

 

Tim could see the changing expressions on Nick’s face. He had revealed what could lead to an end before a true beginning, however, Nick had said nothing and Tim had no idea what was going on inside his head. Tim asked, feeling less threatened because of the smile but still very confused “What?”

 

Nick finally said with deep, true feeling, “Dad?”

 

Tim had been right and he recognized the difference immediately. He heard the word, he felt the tone reverberate through his body and he knew in that moment he had been accepted as Nick’s father. He wanted to smile, to jump up and hold his son but he was tentative, as he wondered what was coming next.

 

Tim replied, “Yes, Nick?”

 

“I am my father’s son,” Nick said and Tim’s mouth fell open.

 

 Amazed, Tim asked, “You?”

 

“Yes,” Nick replied.

 

Seeking elaboration, Tim said, “You, too?”

 

“Yes,” Nick said.

 

Once more Tim said, “You’re telling me you’re gay, as well?”

 

Looking very serious, Nick said, “I am!”

 

Tim’s reaction was disbelief. He had been sitting on the edge of his chair and he let his body fall backwards into the cushioning within its wooden frame. He stared at Nick and though it was not a problem to accept another man was gay, it was hard to believe his son was gay. He certainly did not care but he knew he never would have picked it. He suddenly thought of Eric Cross.

 

“Nick, does your friend Eric Cross know you’re gay?”

 

“Yeah, why?”

 

Tim asked, “Are the two of you together?”

 

Nick replied, “No. As I told you, he’s my best friend. Why?”

 

Tim said, “I’m wondering why he didn’t tell me about you when I told him I was gay?”

 

Nick asked in amazement, “Eric knew about you?”

 

“Yes. I was very forthcoming with him about everything,” Tim replied.

 

“He didn’t tell me about you, either,” Nick said but then his curious expression changed and he began to smile.

 

Tim asked, “What?”

 

“He’s a smart man, Dad. Eric knew how I felt and what I thought about you. He knew all the personal baggage I was carrying around with me and so he kept the knowledge he revealed, only to what was important. He made certain our meeting was about nothing more then our connecting. He made certain if we met we would have to talk.

 

“You see, having a father was always important to me and so I really wanted to meet you, despite the way I treated you on the phone. I was afraid you wouldn’t really want to know me but if you did, I was afraid to tell you I was gay because I thought you wouldn’t accept my sexuality. Essentially, I inferred all of that to Eric but still he said nothing. He wasn’t trying to make it hard, he was trying to determine priorities. As I said, he’s smart and so he kept my mind on what it needed to be on, so that I would meet you with the right attitude,” Nick explained.

 

“It may well have made things easier for both of us but it might have also been a distraction to our expectations when we met each other,” Tim agreed.

 

Nick said, “I still can’t believe we’re both gay?”

 

“It isn’t so unusual but it was definitely a surprise and very unexpected,” Tim replied.

 

Nick was curious about Tim’s remark that it was not unusual. He wondered just how many gay people were born of a gay parent but then he dismissed it and moved on to his next thought.

 

“This seems sort of unfair,” Nick said.

 

Tim asked curiously, “What does?”

 

“Gay people struggle to come out to parents and others and even you took a cautious line of approach with me, despite how at ease you obviously are. The thing is, Dad, you made it so easy for me because I didn’t have to feel disassociated. We’re the same in that respect and so just now I felt none of the apprehension or fear.”

 

“I’m glad, Nick. I think some might say that is one of the jobs of a father, to make his child’s path easier and so I’m pleased I removed your struggle.”

 

Nick’s eyes beamed in combination with a pleasured smile. Tim’s words were sincere and they made Nick feel even more connected to his father. He wanted to stand up and go and give him another hug but he thought it might seem weird. He changed the subject, somewhat, instead.

 

Nick asked, “So you have a partner?”

 

“Yes, Nick, I do,” Tim replied.

 

“What you said means the two of you have been together for twenty-five years,” Nick said.

 

“How did you know that?”

 

“You were twenty when I was conceived and I’m now twenty-seven, which means you are forty-seven. You also said you were still together. If you and your partner got together during your second year in California, then that was twenty-five years ago,” Nick explained.

 

“I see you have an attention to detail,” Tim said.

 

Nick replied, “I’ve never really thought about it. Anyway, what’s his name?”

 

“His name is Jordan Hudson,” Tim revealed.

 

Nick said, wondering if his sudden appearance in his father’s life was an issue to Jordan, “He didn’t want to come with you?”

 

“No, that’s not the case at all. He did want to come with me,” Tim said thoughtfully.

 

Nick’s tone was filled with confusion when he asked, “So why didn’t he come?”

 

“He did,” Tim said simply.

 

With extreme surprise, Nick said, “What? Where is he?”

 

“He went into the city while I met and talked to you, Nick.”

 

Nick asked, “Why?”

 

“I wanted our first meeting to be about us. I wanted this to be completely personal and I didn’t want any distractions. For the time being, at least, this isn’t about Jordan or anyone else. This time is for us, Son,” Tim said and the word came from a deeply internal and emotional place.

 

Nick finally heard his father say the word with all the heartfelt sincerity he could have wanted. He felt that knot in his throat again but he did not react in any other way than a simple smile.

 

“I really liked saying that, calling you, Son,” Tim said.

 

“I liked hearing it, Dad,” Nick replied and they smiled at each other.

 

“So far, this is going well, I think,” Tim said and Nick nodded agreeably, still holding back emotions.

 

“So I gather you’re going to introduce me to Jordan later,” Nick said.

 

“Of course, Nick. He really wants to meet you and not only will he be as amazed at the sight of you as I was but he will also like you as much as I do. I must say I’m looking forward to seeing his reaction when he finds out you’re gay, too.”

 

“You must really love him,” Nick said.

 

“I don’t think I could have imagined meeting someone who could be so integral to my heart and soul and therefore to my life. I can’t imagine living without him. In fact, that night following Eric’s phone call, while we were lying in bed and talking about you, I made an almost arbitrary comment about if only we had found out twenty years earlier. Jordan’s response was that he had already thought about it and that he and I could have been your parents,” Tim explained.

 

The look on Nick’s face was as if life had completely screwed him over once again. It was devastation while his heart was filled with the warmest of feelings. The opportunity had been there, all that time, his father alive and well with a life he could have been a part of. He felt truly hard-done-by but he also felt at that moment, because of Billy and Eric as well, more loved and needed than he ever had in his entire life.

 

“Did I say something wrong, Nick?”

 

“No, Dad, not at all. It’s just the idea that my life could have been different and that I could have been with you, grown up with you there, it’s a long dismissed dream being given the breath of life.”

 

Tim looked at his son and he could see how deeply affected he was. Tim’s mind began to turn quickly and it occurred to him even more innately, Nick’s life might not have been what he hoped and therefore, also possibly what he had feared.

 

When he discovered what he had from Eric Cross about Helen, Tim thought Nick would have been taken into Helen’s home and family. He hated the idea of his son being raised amidst such extreme religious beliefs but still he thought that at least Nick would have been raised with family.

 

As the look in Nick’s eyes and the words he had spoken came together, Tim wondered if perhaps Nick’s life had been different. He wondered if someone else had raised him and if they had been the kind of parents he would have hoped for.

 

“Nick, were you raised by Helen’s family?”

 

“No,” Nick said, his eyes dropping down to the floor.

 

“Nick, who raised you? Were they good people?”

 

Nick was silent, staring at the carpet, thinking about what his father had said by the river and wondering how he should approach the question. He knew when he told Eric and Billy, both men had reacted emotionally to his story but this was the man who had the same blood running through his veins. Nick could only imagine how this story would affect a parent. He slowly lifted his head and looked at Tim.

 

Tim saw the uncertainty in Nick’s eyes. There was also pain in them and suddenly Tim felt both hesitancy and fear. His mind raced, wondering if he had been in a horrible home of violence or alcoholism or even worse, abuse.

 

“Nick, please tell me no one hurt you?”

 

“Dad, no, not really.”

 

“Not really? Nick, what does that mean? What are you not telling me?”

 

“My life wasn’t as simple as you might have thought,” Nick said.

 

“Nick, you’re scaring me. You have to tell me what happened,” Tim pleaded with obvious hesitancy.

 

“I guess the time has come, Dad. I need you to understand something, though. Before I tell you, since meeting you, learning the truth from you and getting to know you as little as I have, I don’t blame you and I don’t want you to feel like what happened was your fault. Dad, I’m in a really good place in my life right now. I’m happy and healthy and doing well for myself. Those facts have been added to today by meeting you and believing I’m now going to have a father who will want to be in my life. I already really like you and I know if I’m not being naïve by accepting you so quickly, then I’m sure I will grow to love you easily,” Nick said.

 

Tim’s eyes brimmed with tears when he heard Nick’s latter words. He was already feeling extreme emotions of fear and trepidation. These were added to when his son began pre-empting guilt and blame but then to swirl those emotions around with acceptance and talk of love between a father and his son, he felt like his imagined hopes with Nick since Eric’s phone call, had begun to turn from black and white to vivid color.

 

“Nick, what you said means so much to me and makes me so happy but please, I need to know what happened to my boy,” he said and his tears slipped onto his cheeks.

 

“My boy,” Nick thought. There was ownership in those two words and they were obese with truth. Nick’s eyes welled with pride in his father. He knew he had to tell him but he finally accepted he could not protect him. He thought it was ironic because there had been a moment only days before, as well as for the previous two years, when he thought about Tim and considered his father was the one to blame. Now he knew for certain it was not true and the chaos of life had continued to randomly throw people into unpredictable situations. He thought that if there were a god, he would want to hit him with greater force than he had hit Bobby.

 

“Dad, you mentioned Ezekiel earlier, well, mom told him she was pregnant with me but she refused to adopt me out as he demanded and so he kicked her out.”

 

“Oh, Jesus,” Tim said.

 

“It was why she was driving to Michigan. After she gave birth to me, she decided on a new life elsewhere but as she drove into Detroit, the accident happened. At some point following, Ezekiel was contacted but though he accepted he had to bring his daughter back and bury her, he refused to accept me or tell them about you and so I was placed into foster care.”

 

Tim said, “Oh Christ, I’m not going to like where this is going, am I?”

 

“No more than I did when I finally discovered what happened years later,” Nick said.

 

“What? Years later? What does that mean, Nick?”

 

“I met mom’s sister, Mary, two years ago and that was the first I knew of any of it,” Nick explained.

 

“Oh god, Nick, no.”

 

“Dad, it’s okay.”

 

Tim said, “No, it’s not. Are you telling me you lived your life with no knowledge of your family?”

 

Nick said, “Yes but…”

 

Tim interrupted and asked, “Did you get fostered into a new family?”

 

Nick tried to answer again and said, “No but…”

 

Interrupting again, Tim said, “Oh Jesus Christ, what have I done?”

 

“Dad, please, you have to listen to me. You have to let me speak and tell you. I know you’re not going to like what I tell you but Dad, it’s okay. You just have to accept that what happened, happened.  It’s all in the past and it’s over.”

 

“I’m sorry but that’s easy for you to say, Nick. This is all news to me and it’s directly linked to my actions.”

 

“Dad, there was nothing easy about it and so there is nothing easy in the telling either but I’m okay and I want you to be okay with it, too.”

 

“I’ll try. Go on,” Tim said.

 

Nick nodded, steeled himself for the recollections once more and then he looked directly into his father’s eyes and began. A couple of hours fell into the past. For the third time that week, Nick revealed the events of his life up to the present. Mirroring the other times, both the recipient and the bearer of the story of his life so far, were thrown into a place of mixed emotions and attitudes.

 

In one way, Nick felt more at ease this time. This week had brought him firmly into the present and now as he relived the events, he was living more in the moment and less in the past. He told the story in the same way, explaining what he had thought, felt and done. He even told Tim what he had thought and felt about him. Second-guessing that choice popped into his mind but he dismissed it, believing truth and accuracy would lead to the best outcome. He did not want to hurt his father, even though he knew the truth would, initially at least. However, he also believed that the way he felt and what he knew now, would negate his incorrect presumptions of the last two years.

 

Tim sat quietly, unquestioningly, listening to his son. It was strange because even though he heard every word, still his mind considered and questioned so many things while his heart loved and hated so many individuals. It was the dual nature and extraordinary ability of the mind, to multitask and yet still process clearly with an unbroken focus.

 

From the start, Tim could not believe the events but it only seemed to him to become progressively worse. His hatred of Ezekiel reached knew heights that as a boy it could not have come close to. His son was a new born and vulnerable and not only had Ezekiel rejected Nick but he had chosen resentfully to deny Nick his father and his family. No matter the circumstances, Tim knew his own mother would have battled his father and won, bringing Nick into their family. It was all so pointless.

 

On and on the story went though, a barrage of changes and circumstances that he could not relate to, other than to think they were things that happened in books and movies or in other people’s lives. He felt so guilty and all because of a stupid self-serving desire for proof and a subsequent request for Helen to have sex with him. It all could have been avoided. The thought did not last, though. He wondered if it was pure, unadulterated selfishness but as he looked at the handsome and good natured man that was his son, he knew that if he had not done what he had done, he would not be sitting there at that moment and feeling such intense pride and love.

 

Like Eric and then Billy, Tim’s reactions were identical. Heated remarks and emotional displays occurred with the knowledge of certain circumstances. The difference for Nick this time was that though he did not want Eric to comfort him the first time and then he had enjoyed Billy comforting him somewhat the second time; he wanted his father to come over to him and tell him it was okay. However, at no point did Tim attempt to approach or console him in a physical way. Tim’s facial expressions and his verbal apologies were the same but Nick found himself wondering why his dad did not come to him and hold him. Nick wanted more from Tim and in a way he expected more from him but he did not get it. Swift rationalizations in his mind while he told the story, suggested Tim was a different man from a different time but still that did not sustain the needy little boy within the man.

 

Nick’s demeanor had altered by the time he reached the coming together of he and Eric. It had altered again with the addition of the truth between he and Billy but it was what he said next and was also the way he ended his current though incomplete history, which presented the new man he was now.

 

“Today, I met my dad and now, everything seems perfect,” he said, the smile on his face true and reflecting the heartfelt honesty of his words as he fell silent.

 

For hours Tim had moved through almost every negative emotion he could, all of them returning to him and inundated with guilt and blame. He had at certain points been unable to master his sadness and hold back his tears completely. Moments of weeping caught him off guard and he wiped his eyes in fear he was making it harder for his son. It had all been too much to believe, to accept and to cope with in one sitting and he had felt like a fool who had broken his son’s life.

 

Suddenly however, everything changed. Though the self-reproach maintained a power, relief took center stage and soon happiness entered into the most extraordinary equation. A game of sport had become a doorway for an exceptional man. It took four years but still the game and circumstances had carved a new path, a path that would change everything and accelerate events that seemed stagnant to his son’s grasp. Eric Cross was no longer some unusual man to Tim. He was now a hero who had helped to guide his son and brought Nick into his life.

 

Tim was extremely curious about the young man named Billy, the first to melt Nick’s heart. He imagined meeting Billy and also Eric and he thought he wanted to hug the both of them when and if he met them. Before he could even settle himself, Tim was confronted by words suggesting he made his son’s life perfect. It was beyond any more than he could take and as he began to break into pieces, he stood, dragged Nick to his feet and held him like he thought he should never let him go. He cried silently, rubbed Nick’s back and occasionally squeezed him just a little too hard.

 

“I am so very proud of you, Nick.”

 

Nick stood still within his fathers embrace. The look in his eyes showed a man who was holding back happy tears. He could only remember two other times he had felt that way. The first was the moment following his knowledge that he had found a real and sincere friend in Eric. The second moment was as he and Billy gazed at each other revealingly, as Billy lay battered on the floor. All three occasions were not so much about the happiness or the joy, it was subtler and from a deeper place, which was soft, emotional and consuming. They were moments that created a sense of belonging, as his feelings smiled at truth and found peace.

 

Tim said with a broken voice, “Son, I don’t know how you can forgive me?”

 

“Dad, as difficult as it was, I’ve lived and I’m alive. It was you who made that happen. The essence of you and Mom gave me life and so it was you who gave me Eric and then gave me Billy. Now you’re giving me you as well. This is the happiest day of my life. If there is anyone I can’t forgive, it’s Ezekiel but apart from when I have to tell that story, I don’t give the knowledge or memory of his actions the time of day or a single thought. Dad, this week has been the best of my life and my only hope is that things continue to get better. As far as you’re concerned, just promise me you’re here in my life to stay.”

 

“Nick, I am so very proud of you and I already love you. The only way I won’t be in your life is if someone drags me kicking and screaming out of it.”

 

“Dad?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I can’t breathe,” Nick said.

 

Tim released the vice-like grip that was crushing Nick and they both started to laugh.

 

“Sorry,” Tim said.

 

“Dad, will you sit beside me?”

 

“It would be my honor, Nick,” Tim replied and they sat down.

 

Tim circled his arm around Nick’s back and held him close but the moment he did, Nick twisted in his seat and wrapped both arms around Tim. He put his head on Tim’s shoulder and he clung to his father, almost like a frightened boy. Tim knew what was going on. He knew the story of his son’s life and now that everything was clear, the sudden reach for him made so much sense. Tim lifted his other hand and he gently held Nick’s head and stroked his thumb over the side of his face.

 

Tim was truly happy. Deep down he had always wanted a child but for so long he had believed it would never happen. He knew he would never get to hold the baby or the infant, he would never get to play and teach him football and he also knew that the boy he was now holding would soon return to the man. He squeezed Nick harder for a moment and he felt Nick squeeze him back. It made Tim feel so good.

 

“Anytime you want me or need me, Nick, just call and I’ll come. I can’t make up for what you missed out on but I hope I can give you whatever you need from me. I love you, Son,” he said.

 

Nick wept and smiled at the same time. “I love you, too, Dad,” he replied and then from a place deep within, he thought, “This must be a dream because it just keeps getting better.”

 

To be continued...