The Professor and Sean II
By: Scotty
(Copyright 2006 by the author)
 

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 25

(Ryan narrates)

I knew then that I could not expend any more emotion on the tragedy of Kevin. He was gone by his own hand. His troubled life was in large measure the result of his own actions. My true concern now was Jerrod and trying to help him find peace and then happiness.

I understood clearly how I had weathered the tragedy; it was because of Sean's love. He had stayed the course with me, never questioning my sorrow and distress, but only offering his total love. I realized that I would probably have to assist in arrangements for Kevin's funeral, but I promised myself that I would not take any of the responsibility from his family. Jerrod, I knew, had little he could legally do. Unless Kevin had left a will or some other legal document, Jerrod would have only the memory of the relationship. That was the greatest tragedy.

After arriving at Mattson's place of business with Mom and Dad, we went into the office. Ken Mattson was a small wiry man, whose quick movements across the office to greet us spoke of his frenetic energy. His gushing welcome brought a wide smile to Sean's face. Mom and Dad, experienced in the ways of the world, accepted his greeting for what it was: part one of the sell. He indicated that he had some idea of why the couple wanted the house. They were planning to adopt children and needed the space.

"I see that we're not all here. I don't see the little woman."

I saw anger in Dad's face and Sean was clenching his fists. Mom just smiled and looked at me. I got the signal from her: tell him.

"Actually, Mr. Mattson, the couple is here. I am half of the couple and my partner Sean is the other half. We are a committed couple and are legally a couple in Vermont. We are interested in possibly purchasing the property. Do you have a problem with that?" I asked.

"Oh, heavens, no, no, no. I am not a moral judge; I sell real estate. If you are interested in the house in question, then I want you to see it. If you like it and want to purchase it, I am sure that we can arrange all of the details." Ken told us.

"Actually we all will be purchasing the property, if it meets our expectations and needs," added my Dad.

"Well, it's big enough to hold all of you and the new child. I don't see any problem with the sellers. They're not bigots. They're just sellers. Are there any questions I can answer before we go to the house?" he inquired.

The four of us looked at each other, but no one asked anything. Ken waited patiently until Sean asked,

"Is there a large and safe backyard?"

"There certainly is and it's been beautifully landscaped. The present owners are avid gardeners, so things have been done properly. Any other questions? Well, if not, let's go. Why don't we go in two vehicles? When we finish, we can come back here to discuss whatever needs our attention."

"Fine with us," said Dad.

We all moved to the door and Mom and Dad got into Ken Mattson's car while Sean and I got into the Rover and followed. We discovered that the house was not far from the campus. Ken drove down a lovely street shaded with large old trees. The homes were all impeccably kept. When Ken pulled up in front of the house, Sean gasped. I almost did, too.

The house was a beautiful Victorian. It had been painted a pumpkin color with all the gingerbread in a soft cream color. A long brick walkway led up to the front porch and double doors into the house. The double doors had stained glass panels, which added to the authenticity and beauty of the house. Along the walkway were well-kept hedges and what later in the growing season would be lovely perennial gardens. It was obvious that the lawns and gardens had received loving care.

As we stood on the porch, Ken gave us a little history of the house. It was built in 1873, the home of a well-to-do merchant, named Wilbur Pittsford. It had remained in that family, but fell into disrepair in the 60's and 70's.

It was unlived in for a period of time until about ten years ago, when Mr. and Mrs. Cornelius Forbes bought the house and spent considerable time and money bringing it back to its original glory. They also added on to the original house, keeping the additions historically correct. Mattson reminded us that Greg had spent many hours on the interior restoring all the historical details. The exterior color had been chosen carefully, he added, and had been approved by the town historical committee. Everything on the interior was true to the historic architecture of the house and the time period, he reminded us.

"If you're ready, let's go in. The Forbes are not at home, as they wished you to be able to enjoy the house without any interference from them. I have a key. In we go," he said with a gleeful smile.

We entered into the large entryway. Mom gasped in appreciation of its beauty. It was very wide and had a magnificent stairway leading to the second floor. On either side of the entry were two rooms, separated from the entry by carved pocket doors. All the woodwork was breathtakingly lovely, restored to its original high quality luster. The hardwood floors glistened, and the rugs the Forbes had selected added to the total feeling of the rooms. All of the decorating had been done with care and knowledge. It was beautiful! The dining room was large and currently could seat eight. A butler's pantry and modern kitchen had been saved from the ugliness of the contemporary by expert choice, and carefully restored with appropriate cabinetry

But the magic of the house for Sean and me happened when we were taken into the master suite, which was an addition to the house. The bedroom was huge with one wall of windows that opened onto the gorgeous backyard, filled with carefully chosen plantings, gardens, a great swimming pool, and what seemed acres of lawn. One area was tiled and held a grill, refrigerator, and outdoor furniture as well as a hot tub.

Another amazing thing was the master bathroom complete with a huge shower containing multiple shower heads, a Jacuzzi, a bathtub large enough for a couple of people, lovely marble counters, and two lavatories with lovely pewter faucets. In a small separate room was the water closet.

Adjacent to the bathroom was the changing room with large walk-in his and hers (or in our case, his and his) closets. Mirrored walls would provide an easy way to check out how you looked. The dressing area had a loveseat, chaise lounge, recliner chair, television and stereo. There was also access to the wrap around enclosed porch. As part of the kitchen and an addition to the house, was a large family room that also opened into the backyard. Three walls of the room were glass from floor to ceiling. It would be a perfect place for the boys to spend time with us.

Surprisingly, an office area had been built, close to the kitchen and family room. It would be a perfect place for Sean and me to do our schoolwork and to keep the house records. I was happy with that. Ken kept asking if we had questions, and Mom and Dad had a number. How old was the wiring, the heating system, the plumbing? How convenient was the laundry room? What safety devices did the home have? Was there a security system?

Ken informed us the wiring and heating system and all the plumbing were upgraded about six years ago. There was a clothes chute from the second floor to the laundry room, which also served as a mudroom for entry from the outside. The three-car garage was also an addition to the original house, but had been carefully designed to look, as did the other addition, as an integral part of the home.

The four of us were impressed. I knew that Sean and Mom had fallen in love with the downstairs of the house. Dad and I had talked and we both were pleased. I knew that if the upstairs provided good areas needed for a growing family, we would buy the house.

Mom and Dad lagged behind with Ken while Sean and I went up the front stairs to the second floor. There were also back stairs from the kitchen that went to the upstairs back bedrooms. We found five huge bedrooms with ample windows. There were three bathrooms, two serving the five 'front bedrooms', and one which was part of the servant's quarters and the two 'back' bedrooms.

"So, Baby, what do you think?" I asked.

"It's...it's perfect for a family, our family. I love it, Hon. I want it," he told me firmly and with certainty. He came to me and hugged me and then kissed me softly. He then asked,

"What do you think, Hon? Is this okay with you?"

"It's perfect, but it will be even better when all five of us are here together. You know, Sean, I was thinking when I saw the back bedrooms and the servant's quarters that maybe we should think about a nanny to help care for the boys, especially little Zachary. She would always be here and could take care of the laundry perhaps, or do a little cooking. We have a housekeeping service, so that's not a problem. It's something to think about."

Sean pushed me against the wall of one of the bedrooms and quietly rubbed his semi-erect penis against mine. He kissed me with plenty of tongue. He pulled away, smiled at me and said,

"I will think about anything you want, but my mind keeps going back to the Jacuzzi and that splendid bathroom. I keep thinking about getting you in that shower...and oh, man I'm hard, and I hear Mom and Dad and Ken coming up stairs. I love you, Hon, more than I know the words to tell you."

I kissed him again, and then whispered into his ear,

"You just said the magic words, 'I love you", there are no other words necessary. I love you, too."

The others were in the first bedroom, so we had a moment to get ourselves together, hoping that our semi-erect cocks wouldn't show too much. If they did, no one said anything about it.

The tour over, we decided to go to Ken's office to discuss the house. Before we knew it, we were all sitting around a large conference table. Dad spoke first,

"Ken, could you give us ten or fifteen minutes to discuss the house among ourselves, then we'll call you in and we can talk seriously with you about the property."

"Of course, it was stupid of me not to have thought of that. You haven't really had a moment to discuss the house. Sure, just let me know when you want me back in here." He left immediately. Once the door was closed, Mom took over the meeting,

"There's really not much to talk about, is there? I mean it's just a beautiful home, lovingly restored, professionally decorated, historically added to, beautiful grounds, and loads of space for a family. Every thing about that house says 'welcome to our home'. I think it's perfect for you and the boys," she told us in her firm maternal way.

Sean added, "I liked it, Mom."

"As did I," Dad said.

Mom moved uncomfortably in her chair, looking at me with those eyes that said, 'what's the matter with you?'

"Ryan, you haven't said anything. What do you think about the house?" she asked me.

I started to laugh, soon joined by Sean and Dad. Mom glared at us for a second and then started laughing with us. I got up from my chair and went to her, kissing her on the cheek. I told her,

"It seems to me, Mom, that you have already made the decision. Interestingly, we all agree with you. But I do have one reservation and that is the price. Ken is sure to ask more for it than it is worth in this market. What do you think about that, Dad?"

"I agree, Son, he's from the old school. Ask more than it's worth, and probably more that the Burkes want, to puff up his commission. Let me handle him. I'm probably better at his game than he imagines. Let's call him back in."

Sean rose from the table and went to the door. After he opened it, he called out for Ken to join us in the room. He joined us instantly, smiling and happy.

"Mr. Mattson, what's the asking price for the property?"

With a coy smile, Mattson, said,

"Oh, so you're interested in purchasing the property?"

"Maybe," Dad replied, "but we need to talk price."

"The Burkes are asking 1.2 million. That's a very reasonable price, don't you think?" asked Mattson.

None of us showed any reaction to the price. Dad stood and walked to the window. Clearing his throat, he turned and told Mattson,

"Frankly, Mr. Mattson, I think that is unreasonably high. I know a great deal about real estate, and I know that in this town that is an inflated price. Unless we can compromise on a realistic price, we might as well leave right now."

Mattson's face paled a little and his frozen smile cracked. He said nothing for a moment, but flipped through a pile of papers he had, finally pulling out one. He studied it for a bit and said,

"I did tell the Burkes that I thought the price was a little high. But they want to try to recoup some of the dollars they have spent on the house. You can tell by looking at it; they spent many thousands. Why don't you make an offer and I'll see what they say? How does that sound?"

I knew that Sean would have gladly paid the price Mattson had given us, but Dad was more experienced, and knew that part of the game was bargaining.

"Truthfully, Ken, I thought that there were some things about the house that would need attention if we bought it for a family of five. These guys are adopting three children from the same family. The kids will have various needs, and some renovation will have to be made for more hired help. So, as you know, the house isn't perfect. My wife also noticed that some rooms needed painting, things like that. So, although I recognize all the beautiful work the Burkes have done on the house, we will still have to invest thousands of dollars to make the place what we all have in mind. I assure you that we have no intention of spending the asking price."

Sean coughed and I tried to sit further down in the chair. Mom held herself proudly tall, and Dad just looked directly at Ken Mattson. There was a long wait until Ken said,

"I realize that the house does need some work, but in general, you have to admit the house is a jewel. I will take whatever offer you make to the Burkes and we can go on from there."

"I think we will offer eight hundred fifty thousand for the property."

"I doubt that they will entertain that amount, sir. I will relay your offer, and if there is one, their counter offer. If that's all, we can call this meeting to a close."

Everyone stood and moved toward the door into the outer office. I could see a worried look on Sean's face and I knew I had to reassure him that Dad knew what he was doing. I had to struggle throughout the meeting to keep Kevin out of my mind. I had done well, but now that I didn't have the house on my mind, his ghost kept showing up in my mind's eye. It was tearing my guts out and I needed to control it or I would have to deal with a hurt and confused lover. Mom speaking to me helped clear my head,

"Your father is so good at negotiations, don't you think?" she asked.

I laughed and told her,

"Dad didn't really give Mattson any chance to offer any other amounts. Dad is skilled, as he should be since he made his fortune handling sales of millions of dollars."

"Do you think Dad will make the Burkes angry with our offer?" Sean asked.

"Don't worry, dear, he knows what he is doing. He wants to find out how anxious they are to sell the property. He knows his offer was too low, but he knows there will be a counter offer. When he hears that, he will understand better what our next offer will be. When it's all over, the Burkes will probably be happy with our final offer. Ken Mattson may not like it as well as his commission is based on the selling price. Trust Dad, Sean. He won't let you down," Mom told him.

Dad had now joined us in the parking lot. He seemed particularly jovial. I think he was happy to be back in the saddle, working the market, flexing his negotiating muscle. He kissed Mom on the cheek, and announced to all of us,

"We'll get the house, boys, don't worry. This is part of the business. I'd wager that Mattson already knows what the final selling price will be. The house will be yours when you want it. I'm sure that the Burkes will even hold the house for us once we agree on a price and give them a substantial down payment. Now, how about joining us for some dinner at the hotel?"

I looked at Sean and saw that he looked concerned and a little tired. I surmised that he had many things to discuss with me, so I decided to make our apologies.

"Dad, Sean and I have to get home in case the hospital calls. We want to get to see Jerrod as soon as possible. We would love to have dinner with you, but tonight just isn't the best for us."

"Go along, boys. We're fine. Call us after you see Jerrod, or when you know about the arrangements. Bye for now." said Mom.

"You heard your mother, move it," said Dad with a laugh.

After some hugs and kisses, we left for home.

********

(Sean narrates)

I didn't want to feel quite the way I did, but I felt a little like a bump on the log. Dad did all the speaking. All we did is decide we wanted the house. I wondered if this was what it would be like in the next few months with Mom and Dad taking over decisions about the house. I knew that now was not the time to discuss that issue with Ry as he was preoccupied with Kevin's suicide.

I don't remember a drive that was quieter. Ry didn't say anything; in fact, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, in a sense shutting the world and me out of his life at the moment. Right then I hated Kevin for upsetting our lives. As soon as I started feeling sorry for myself, I knew it was selfish and wrong. Jerrod and Ry had need of my attention and love. How could I think that Ry still loved Kevin? I knew that Ry had to deal with the tragedy of Kevin's suicide and his failure to live life with dignity and caring. And poor Jerrod, I wondered where his life would go now.

Jerrod knew he was gay. He had lived with a gay man for months where he saw what the ravages of drug and alcohol abuse can do to a good person. Kevin loved Jerrod a great deal. For me the difficult thing was trying to understand how he could hurt Jerrod so much. I had to remind myself that I didn't really know what happened in their relationship, other than it had been rocky and that Kevin had treated Jerrod like a battered wife. The whole mess made my head ache. My reverie was broken by Ry's voice,

"Forgive me for being so distant and quiet, Baby. It's just that I am having a terrible time understanding the waste of a life that held so much promise. Beneath all his bravado, Kev was really a good guy who got led astray by circumstances in his life, most of which were of his own doing. But to kill himself as a solution, just isn't right."

I reached over and stroked Ry's left thigh. He opened his eyes and looked at me smiling. He was back.

"Take all the time you need to deal with this, Hon. I will be here to help if I can. Just remember that I love you, and even though I may not be able to help you understand why Kevin did this, I will support you as you deal with it," I told him.

As we drove into the parking lot at the townhouse, Ry reached and took my hand. Lifting it to his lips he kissed it and then held it on the side of his face. A couple of tears ran down his cheek, and although my heart was breaking, I didn't say anything.

"Thank you, Sean, for just being you. My God, I love you so much...so much," he said choking back a sob. The car was parked and I undid my belt and then his. I grabbed him and held his so tightly that I feared neither of us would be able to breathe. I couldn't, wouldn't let go of him. I wanted all my energy, all my love to flow into him so that he would have the strength to go on to take care of our friend and to return to me whole and unharmed.

"Don't worry," I told him, " let my love support you in this trying time. Let it be your safe harbor. Come to me for solace and love, for understanding, for intense caring and I will be there. Just love me, Ry, as I love you," I whispered to him. I sealed it with a soft but passionate kiss, controlling myself as he wept for the times past.

"Come on, Hon. Let's go into the house. I'll get the mail as we go past the mailboxes. Tonight I get dinner. You relax and let me take care of everything." We walked to the house, stopping only for the mail.

Once inside, I handed the mail to Ry, telling him to sit on the sofa. He needed something to drink so I opened a bottle Merlot and poured him a glass. I also took a small amount and returned to the living room. I handed him his wine, clinked my glass against his and wished him good health. I returned to the kitchen to begin preparing dinner. As I moved about getting out necessary pots and utensils, I suddenly heard what sounded like a stifled cry for help. I ran to the living room not knowing what to expect.

I found Ry in a heap on the floor, his wineglass spilled, his body wracked with sobs. In his left hand were a couple of sheets of paper. I knelt next to him and offered him words of comfort. He waved the papers and cried louder and with less control. First, I took the papers, then I picked up the wineglass and finally I helped Ry back onto the sofa. He looked like hell, worse than any other time I could remember. His body seemed smaller, less athletic as he slumped forward still trying to hold in those gut-wrenching groans.

"Ryan," I ordered, "get a hold of yourself. Tell me what's the matter. Please, Hon, what's the matter."

Among the sobs and other sounds, he finally was able to say,

"Read! Read!"

Then it dawned on me, the papers. Something about the papers had set him off. I tried to smooth out the sheets, which also had a couple of wine stains on it. 'My God,' I thought, it's a letter from Kevin. I started to read it aloud,

"Dear Ryan,

"This is the most difficult letter I have ever written. I guess it's sort of a confession or an explanation. I know you won't buy it, Ry, but I had to try to let you know why.

"I hope the letter arrives after I have done what I need to do. I wanted it that way so that you wouldn't be able to change my mind with your cool, practical advice. You need to know the whole story. So here goes.

"First of all, I love Jerrod more than I can explain. He'll think otherwise, I know, but I couldn't continue to hurt him. Ryan, I hurt him badly, both psychologically and physically. I wanted him to hate me and leave, but he wouldn't. He loved me too much for his own good.

"I knew at Christmas that I would never get off drugs or alcohol. I used too much of my Grandfather's money to keep my habit happy. Jerrod just held my head when I was sick and vomited all over hell. He helped me to my feet a thousand times, cared for me like a nurse tending a wounded soldier. And he loved me still.

"Nothing I did or said could dissuade him from that. And as I hurt him time and time again, my love for him continued to grow and I realized that I loved him more than I had loved you or anyone else, that I had to find a way to stop hurting him, to show him I loved him. So I decided that one more big hurt that stopped all the others was the way to go.

"Don't feel sorry for me, Ry. I did all this to myself. I thought I could take life by the tail and control it, but I couldn't. I lost you through my stupidity, through my unabashed desire to taste every cock, fuck every ass on the planet earth. Well, it didn't make me happy. So it became drugs and alcohol and rehabilitation, then more drugs, more alcohol, more rehabilitation. It became the cycle of my life.

"Into this mess of a life came Jerrod; innocent, beautiful, gentle, loving and naive. I took advantage of him as I had all the guys I had used. The only difference was that I fell in love with him. And then I started to hurt him. I guess it made me feel better, hoping that he would leave me and enjoy his life. As I said before, he wouldn't leave.

"First I needed a gun. You'd be surprised how easy it is to get one from your drug supplier. It only took me two days and a little extra cash. Then I picked the day, the place and the time. I picked my office because I almost made it back there. I picked the time as I always loved the morning, and I picked the day because it was on a Monday that I first met Jerrod. The rest would be easy.

"When you read this, Ryan, my friend, I will be dead. Don't grieve for me; put all your energy and love into helping Jerrod. I will be at peace and I pray humbly to God that Jerrod will be.

From you I need to ask some final help. Here goes,

"First: The most important thing is to be sure that Jerrod knows that I love him and that I will meet him on the other side some day. He must go on with his life. I want him to meet someone else to love and to be loved by.

"Second: At my place in the back of my bedroom closet you will find a security box which I left unlocked. In it you will find a number of papers, all of them drawn up by Attorney Darrell. He will take care of all the details. I wanted you to know that I had made arrangements for Jerrod. He will be well taken care of financially.

"Third: My parents. Ryan, I don't care if they know about me or not. They didn't care about me when I needed them most, so what good could they possibly do now that I am dead. I leave that to you. Their telephone number is in the security box.

"Fourth: My arrangements, dear friend, are simple. Cremation, ashes scattered on the grounds of State. I know it will have to be done quietly and in small amounts, but I am counting on you and Sean to help Jerrod with this."

At this point I was weeping quietly, the terrible waste and tragedy of his death searing through me. I struggled on,

"Finally: I want you to know, Ryan, that I have always loved you, although I didn't show it for a long time. One of the happiest times of my life was when we were together. You made me a better person, but I failed you as I have failed everyone. Don't feel slighted when I tell you that I loved Jerrod many times more deeply that I loved you. But Ryan, let me say this: I envy you and Sean, and your love for each other. Neither of you have any confusing expectations for each other. You just love. That's wonderful!"

Now I was sobbing almost as freely as Ryan. I had knelt in front of him as he sat on the sofa. I looked up at him and saw the agony in his face, the desperate desire to say something to Kevin, and the knowledge that he could never do that. Summoning-up all my courage, I finished the letter,

"So dear, dear Friend, this is goodbye. I travel now to an unknown place, filled with hope that I will know some rest, but realizing that I may suffer the loss of connection with those that I love. My Jerrod, my love, how I will miss him! But he will be free and that is the most important thing to me.

"And you, dear Friend, and Sean, steer your ship of love clear of the rocks and whirlpools of life. Bring your happiness to the boys you plan to have as part of your family. Give them the love I never had from my parents. Share your bliss with them.

"Please help Jerrod.


"With hugs from the other side,

Kevin"

Now the room was still except for the stifled sobs of two grown men who were trying to fathom what they had just heard. The letter exposed that wonderful side of Kevin that he so seldom shared.

He would be missed.

********

(Ryan narrates)

It took a long time after Sean had read the letter aloud for either of us to control ourselves. I had become a basket case. I hated myself for not having been a better friend to Kevin. I had hated him for a long time for what he had done to me. Sean had pulled me from the pit of depression and sadness, and my joy was so unfettered that I failed to realize the seriousness of Kevin and Jerrod's relationship.

I thought of the times I had been kind and wished I could multiply them by hundreds, but I couldn't. A tragedy of this magnitude only strengthens our understanding of love and kindness. For me, Sean had been the answer. For Kevin, there was no answer. Poor Jerrod had tried, had loved, but it didn't save Kevin. I sat straight up on the sofa and spoke directly to Sean who was kneeling in front of me, his head resting on my knee.

"Sean, our most important task now is to take care of Jerrod. All the other things that Kevin wrote to us about, we can certainly take care of with the help of Mom and Dad. I am going to call Dad and have him get in touch with his lawyers to handle the paperwork and deal with the courts. I doubt that they will release Kev's body to us. Dad will take care of all that, including notifying his parents."

I immediately called my father and he quickly agreed to take care of all that I asked him to do. I would get the key to Kevin's place from Jerrod so that Dad could get the papers out of the security box. Next, I called the hospital to inquire about Jerrod. They were about to call me shortly, as he was awake and fairly calm. The orderly had volunteered to stay with him as long as Jerrod requested him. We could visit him any time now. Dr. Cassin had approved that.

We both had to freshen up and wash our faces and eyes with cold water. Our emotion over the letter had been extreme, but now I was okay. I could carry on with everything. For Sean, some of the letter must have been unsettling, but he said nothing. For that I loved him more.

In the car on the way to the hospital, Sean began to speak about how wonderful he felt the house was and how he wanted us to be able to purchase it. I agreed and told him not to worry. Again I assured him that Dad knew what he was doing. He said nothing more for a while. I decided to clear the air so I asked him,

"Baby, were you upset by anything in the letter?"

"No, not really. That's not true, Hon. When he spoke of his love for you, that did bother me a little. But then I reminded myself that happened before you ever knew I existed. I also know that you love me and that makes it all okay," he said.

"Sean, my beloved partner, be assured that I love only you. The past is past; Kevin is past, Jerrod is present and we need to get him in the present with us. We need to help him come to terms with the loss of Kevin. We have to try to make him understand that what Kevin did was because he loved him and couldn't allow himself to hurt Jerrod anymore."

I saw Sean shake his head in agreement, but he said nothing. We pulled into the hospital parking lot. Sean undid his seat belt and as he did he said to me in an angry voice,

"If you ever did that to me Ryan Taylor, no one would be able to convince me that you did it because you loved me. I may tell Jerrod that, but I know that Kevin was really a coward and a weak man. He could have been rehabilitated if he had chosen to do that. And he could also have left Jerrod, or stopped being a horrible prick. He didn't have to hurt Jerrod. I think he did it because it made him feel better about himself in some strange drug-induced way. I shouldn't talk about a dead man like I am, but he really pissed me off by what he did, and I think more so by how he tried to explain his way out of it. There I said it. I feel better. I apologize if I hurt your feelings. Now I am ready to go in and see Jerrod. I'll try my best to convince him of what Kevin wanted us to tell him, but my heart is not really in it.

Before I could say anything in response, he was out of the car and hurrying toward the entrance. I had to move quickly to catch up with him. I caught him at the entrance and grabbed him by the arm.

"Sean Kelly, you're right, you know. Kevin was weak and he may have fantasized about why he would commit suicide. I don't know that I think he did it for the reasons he said. He may just have given up on life. His life had been a cesspool, largely because he worked hard to make it that way. So I understand what you are saying, Baby. By the way, I would never do it for the reasons Kevin gave. The hurt to the one you love would be too great."

"Good. I hope you never entertain such a stupid and selfish thing. I love you too much to even think about it. Come on, we have to show Jerrod there are still people who love him.

********

(Jerrod narrates)

When I finally woke up, the room was in low light and a young man was sitting in a chair by the bed. For a moment, I didn't remember where I was or why I was there. Then all the horrible details came rushing into my brain and I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I was shaking violently and the young man, an orderly I assumed, was standing over me speaking softly to me.

"Jerrod, try to relax. Please. If you don't quiet down, I will have to give you another shot and you will be out for ten to twelve hours. Now you don't want that, do you?

"No, no, please, not that," I cried.

"Are you hungry, Jerrod?" he asked.

I didn't answer for a bit, but I was hungry. The last time I had anything to eat was at breakfast. But I needed other information first.

"What time is it?"

"It's nearly seven in the evening."

"Did I sleep all day? I think I remember Ryan and Sean being with me. Where are they now?" I asked hurriedly.

The orderly moved to the other side of the bed, and pushed a button, which helped me to sit up in the bed. As he did this, he told me that he wasn't there at the time so he didn't know if Ryan and Sean had visited. "

"Do you want some food or not?"

"Yes, I'm hungry."

"No problem, Jerrod. By the way, my name is Blake. I'll stay with you as long as you want me around."

Blake picked up the phone and ordered food for me. I didn't have the opportunity to select anything, but I didn't care. I was hungry and I would even eat hospital food.

"Do you have to use the bathroom?" asked Blake.

My bladder was full and even a little painful. I laughed a little and told him,

"Man, I need to take a piss before I explode."

I got out of the bed and went into the bathroom. I left the door ajar a little so that I could continue to talk to Blake.

"So, Blake, how long have you been an orderly?"

"I was a corpsman for three years, then came here four months ago. I'm doing some studying at State in pre-med. I want to be a doctor someday so that I can help people in need. It will be a few years from now, but I'm not in any hurry."

As I washed my hands, I thought about Kevin and all that he had to offer and how he had wasted it. At that moment, I hated him, but it was fleeting as I soon remembered how much I had loved him. I came out of the bathroom just as the food arrived.

"Sit on the bed and I'll get your food ready for you. You need to get some food in that body of yours. I bet you're an athlete."

I sat on the bed, looked at Blake and told him that I was an athlete, but I didn't know if I would even finish college. I told Blake I could never return to the apartment. Too many memories and ghosts were there.

"Jer. Is it okay if I call you Jer?"

"Sure."

"Jer, I'm really sorry about what happened. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you, but I know that I can't. Jer, if it would help, you can stay at my place for a while until you get settled. It's not much, but it would be a place to crash."

Before I could answer, Sean and Ry appeared at the door of the room. I knew I was about to break down again. But before I could get too emotional, Blake put his arm around me and talked softly to me, calming me.

"Should we leave and come back later?" Sean asked.

"No, please stay. I'm okay now. Sorry for the little outburst earlier today. This is Blake, my caretaker. These are dear friends of mine, Sean Kelly and Ryan Taylor."

"Good to meet you. I'm Blake Balcomb. Jer is doing much better. In fact, he's having his dinner right now. He's ready for some company. As long as you guys are here, I will take a break for fifteen minutes. If you need anything, just ring for the nurse."

I hated to see Blake leave. His presence calmed me. He left and Sean sat in the chair near my bed. Ryan stood behind Sean. I wondered what they were going to tell me.

"Jer. we're really sorry about what has happened. Ry got a letter from Kevin. He wrote it a couple of days ago. Seems like he had it all planned."

I gasped, almost choking on the plastic-like chicken. Had I heard correctly?

"Did you say he had it all planned?" I asked.

"He had to do something to stop hurting you, Jer. He did a stupid thing, but it was all he could think of to stop his terrible behavior. He really loved you a great deal, Jer. It was his solution not to hurt you anymore." Ry told me.

"That's total bullshit. If he loved me so much, why did he kill himself? I think he fooled himself into thinking that. I hate him sometimes until I remember how much I loved him. I'll never understand why he did it, never. I'm not going back to the apartment; I can't. I have a place to stay for a while until I decide what I am going to do. Blake invited me to stay at his place. He's a great guy. He's doing pre-med at State. He wants to be a doctor."

"But we thought you would stay with us," Sean said.

"Jer, are you sure you want to stay with a stranger and not with us? I mean, you don't know anything about Blake."

I laughed and told them

"I not moving in with him for life. I'm just staying there a couple of weeks. I think it might be better for me to be there since he doesn't know me and won't be trying to make me understand, or whatever. Sorry, if that hurts you, but I need to work this out for myself," I told them.

Sean looked concerned and Ryan looked hurt.

"I didn't mean to hurt you two, I love you. But I need some space. I can be a total asshole and that's what I'm being at this moment. " I was about to say more when Blake walked back into the room.

"How's it going, guys?" Blake asked.

Sean spoke immediately,

"Nothing significant. We were just surprised that Jer was going to be staying with you rather than with us. He told us why, and I guess we buy into it."

I looked at Sean with just a glimmer of anger on my face, and Blake seemed surprised by Sean's comment. I was about to say something when Ryan spoke,

"I don't buy it at all, Jer. Does Blake know anything about your past, what happened, how you were treated, how you behaved earlier this morning? Is he ready to take on such a huge responsibility?"

Blake moved to my side and faced Sean and Blake. He spoke quietly but with concern,

"Look, the last thing I want to do is cause a problem between old friends. I just offered to help because Jer didn't want to return to his old apartment. I know that Jer's gay and that he was in a gay relationship. I don't care about that. I just want to help if I can. I guess I will do whatever Jer wants."

The room was very quiet with no one speaking and four sets of eyes focused on the floor. Finally, Ry spoke, taking on the role of Dad to the three younger men in the room, he said,

"I think the most important thing is that you are comfortable, Jer. We will continue to be concerned about you and we'll help you with all the stuff that has yet to be done, like the arrangements for Kevin, settling the apartment, and dealing with the legal matters that we are aware of at the moment. It's your decision, Jer. Sean and I will accept it. So let us know if you want us in your life anymore?"

"That's a damn mean thing to say, Ry. Of course I want you in my life. I'm not divorcing you, or anything like that. I'm just spending two or three weeks at Blake's. I love you two guys," I said as I began to cry, tears running down my face. Sean raced across the space and took me in his arms. He hugged me tightly and said,

"We love you, too, Jer. Take it easy, please. We're not running away from you. We'll be here to help you anyway we can. Blake is a good guy and your staying with him probably hurt us a little until we got used to the idea. Now let's move on, can we? One thing is settled: we know where you will be staying for a little while."

"I want to apologize, Jer. I never meant to hurt you. We'll do what ever you need to have us do. There are some things we need to tell you. Kevin told us some specifics in his letter. I suspect that somewhere there is a letter for you. I'll have Dad check it out when he goes to the apartment to get some legal papers to take to his lawyers. We will need the key to the apartment so that Dad can get in to get the papers Kevin told us about in his letter." Ry told me. Now I was embarrassed being such a wimp.

I went to Ry and hugged him. He didn't pull away from me and he even kissed my cheek. Before I knew it, Sean was also there hugging me. Finally Blake joined our group hug, and peace returned to the room and just a little to my life.

********

(Ryan narrates)

After the little scene in Jer's hospital room, we chatted about all the things that Kevin had said in his letter. I told Jer that a little later, I would give him the letter.

Jer seemed in agreement with the idea of cremation and the spreading of Kevin's ashes, asking only that he have a small portion to scatter in his and Kevin's favorite place. That was not a problem.

He was appreciative that Dad was taking such an active part in helping with the arrangements and the legal matters. He seemed just a little bewildered by the whole matter. He would occasionally break down. It became evident that Blake would take good care of Jer. When he did break down, Blake would hug him and whisper comments to him.

Sean was quiet and let me do most of the talking. I think there was still some hurt that Jer chose not to stay with us. I know that I was pissed about it, but then I thought of when I was so hurt. I wanted to be alone, and that worked for a long time, until those months before I met Sean. He helped me out of it. I needed to tell him that maybe Blake could do this for Jer. After all we fell in love in a drugstore. Maybe given some time, a strong affection would develop between the two of them.

Just as we were about to leave, Sean decided on his own to tell Jer something, I had deliberately chosen not to speak about.

"Jer, there's one more thing Kevin has done. He's left you an estate that he said would take care of you financially."

"Why would he do that?" asked Jer.

"Because he loved you a great deal more than he ever showed by his behavior toward you," I added.

Jer sat heavily in the chair by the bed whispering softly but loudly enough so we could all hear,

"Didn't he know I would rather have him than his money."

No one said anything more.

********

(Sean narrates)

In the days following, much was accomplished. First, all of Kevin's legal papers were quickly attended to by Dad's lawyers. Kevin's body was released to us and we turned the remains over to the crematorium where his wishes were carried out. We had Jer and Blake over for dinner after the simple services held at the crematorium. Kevin's parents never showed up, even though Dad had called them. He reported to us that they didn't seem surprised or to care. He was horrified by their reaction.

Jer seemed in a kind of daze, but I soon realized that Blake was the best thing for him. He kept him on course, reassuring him many times a day, and bringing some pleasure into his life by attending movies, dining out, and being there for him. Blake had taken a two-week leave from the hospital. Quietly, Ry had slipped him some money to help during those difficult weeks.

Jer never discussed the inheritance with us, the details of which he had no idea. Lawyers were working on it at that moment. Ry and I prayed that all would go well with Jer. Ry, as only he can, predicted that Jer and Blake would be sharing a bed before the two weeks were out. That is, he told me, if they weren't already making whoopee.

Ken Mattson called to tell Dad that the Burkes had made a counter offer of one million one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Dad countered with an offer of nine hundred thousand dollars. Within an hour, Mattson called Dad back with the Burkes final counteroffer of one million. Dad's final offer was nine hundred seventy-five thousand.

The Burkes accepted. Dad wrote a check for our deposit of a little over ten percent of one hundred thousand. The house was ours.

We also accepted their offer to purchase the furnishings prior to an auction. We agreed to take a close look at the furnishings. All this transpired prior to our meeting with the adoption committee.

That kept both of us awake most of Tuesday night, the day before the meeting.

What would that day hold for us since it dealt with the most important decision of our young lives. I prayed that God would be with us.

To be continued...

A special 'thank you' goes to my editor and proof reader, Wayne. His contribution is significant and greatly appreciated.

As Sean would say, "He's "Awesome!"

Feedback always welcome:     

 

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