The Professor and Sean I
By: Scotty
(Copyright 2006 by the author)
 

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 30

I

After our lovemaking, we lay on the kitchen floor, wrapped in each other's arms. Neither of us spoke. It was a moment that did not need verbalization; our bodies spoke eloquently of our experience. I suddenly had a strange, cold, frightening moment, when I thought about life without Sean. It scared me! Sean finally moved a little, and his movement brought me back to this moment in time. I hugged him tighter and kissed his head gently.

"I don't want to move, Ry. When I am in your arms, it makes me so comfortable. Can we stay here forever? Why do we have to leave here? Can't we just live here, alone, in love, and exclude the rest of this crazy world? I am fine with that" he told me.

"Sean, I would like nothing better than to spend the rest of our lives here in our special place. We both know that we can't. We have to rejoin the world. There is much that we have to do. Just think about the memories of this wonderful time. No one can ever take those away from us, Baby. They belong to us exclusively. When we are too busy, or we are sad or lonely, we need only to think about these wondrous days when we were together as one. Our love has made us the exception, not the rule. We have had extraordinary experiences already as a couple. Think of all the wonderful things that are yet to come for us. Come on, Baby, let's get this breakfast over and done with. We have sheets to change, some laundry to do, packing, arrangements to make for the Celica, and maybe, if you are good, we can make love one more time. I vote 'yes' to that."

I promise I will be good, Hon. I will be very good, and then we can make love again, here in our special place, one more time before we leave. My God, Ry, I really don't want to leave this place. I'm ready for breakfast and the other things we need to do, but only if you promise me that we can make love one more time," he said with a sigh.

"I promise."

Slowly we broke our embrace and got up. It seemed cool now that we were not wrapped in each other's arms. Despite the coolness, I didn't want to get dressed.

"Sean, are you going to get dressed, or are you staying naked?"

"Silly, I am going to stay naked. You must stay naked, too, Ry. I want to enjoy the view. It helps keep my mind off leaving here," he told me.

With that settled, we went about the breakfast, finishing it quickly and quietly. I began to realize the magnitude of our leaving. For Sean it represented a separation from the parents who loved him so much. Here he knew love again, in a special way, discovering in himself a release from the memory of his mother and father. For him it had been a supernatural, even a spiritual experience. In my case, it was awe inspiring because I knew something extraordinary had occurred, but since I was not immediately a part of the experience, I couldn't, as Sean had, know the intensity and the soul-inspiring emotions. I did know, without any doubt, that something uncommon had happened; but if I were asked to explain it, I couldn't.

The cabin, the lake and the surroundings here were a safe haven for Sean. Here he was at home and at peace. It seemed to me that he was infused with vigor and happiness in this idyllic setting. His recollection of a happy childhood was one of the mainstays of his life. It provided a connection to the few happy hours of his young life that he could recollect: his teddy bear, the fishing with his Dad, the youthful carefree time. The rest of his growing up had been painful and sad. I wondered how he was able to become the remarkable, well-adjusted young man he became. If I dwell on that aspect of his life, and I am willing to accept something I can't explain, I guess I would say that Sean was loved from afar. Although nothing could prevent his fate, a strong element of love surrounded him as he grew. Perhaps this place is so important to him because here, amidst all that he loved, he found love again, and for that reason alone, he hated to leave.

"Ry, why are you so quiet? I 've never seen you so remote and so far away. I love you, Hon. Don't worry about me; I will be fine because I am with you, here or at State, or wherever," he told me. He couldn't hide the tear that was sliding down his cheek, however. Seeing it broke my heart, and it took all the inner strength I had, but I controlled my emotions. I leaned forward and kissed the single tear away. He smiled at me, and then kissed my lips gently. I almost lost it again, but I held on.

"I have been thinking seriously about you and me and life. We are especially fortunate, aren't we? I mean, the greatest thing, is that we have each other. That's a pretty strong foundation, Ry. We should be able to build on that, unless we are too stupid. And I know that you are intelligent even if I don't make the mark. We have..."

I interrupted and scolded, "Sean Kelly, you are intelligent, as intelligent as I am. And in addition to that you are talented in other ways. Please, Baby, don't demean yourself. It's a very bad habit. I know it may be a hangover from your experience with your Uncle Jesse, but it's not necessary here. You are loved so much, not only by me, but also by so many others. Don't you understand what that means? Sean, you are beloved of many because you are what you are. And it's a pretty impressive package."

The room rang with quietness! It was a palpable silence. It was frightening, especially if you sensed that it might be the precursor of something explosive. But again, that wasn't the case, because as I waited for Sean's reaction to my little sermon, I felt an overwhelming love, an all-encompassing love fill the room; frankly it scared me a little. When I had enough sense to look at Sean carefully, it was immediately obvious that he was almost in a trance. The love I had felt and continued to feel had transported my lover to some special place, perhaps to a place I would never know. I was trembling. Then I saw the tears slowly flowing from my Sean's beautiful eyes. I didn't know what to do. I got up from my stool, walked around the counter to him, and gently took him into my arms. I did nothing else because I didn't know what else to do. I felt that I had somehow betrayed my lover.

"It's okay, Hon. I just had a deep thought about this place and you. Then I heard their voices again and..."

"Whose voices?"

"My Mommy and Daddy."

"And..."

"They told me to get on with life, much as they had before, but this time they were a little more firm. This place, they told me, is an oasis from the world; it is not the world. Ryan, they still love me deeply from someplace I don't understand, in a way that fills my heart with such joy that tears come to my eyes. But, Ryan, they told me that the love that filled this room a while ago, wasn't from them alone. They told me that your love for me, and mine for you, was a bright light, filling our souls with love and the strength to go on, to live our lives; for better, for worse. You think I am crazy," he said.

"No, you are not crazy. You may be psychic, but not crazy. Sean, I felt that love, too, but I wasn't able to go with you wherever you went. I stayed here while you took a psychic trip somewhere. I was a little scared, Baby. It was intense."

"I know we are supposed to do certain things before we make love again, but Ryan, I have to have you now. Will you please make love to me, now? I need you, Hon. I need you so much," he whispered.

I picked him up and took him to our bed; laid him gently on the sheets, and moved over him, kissing him gently and with the love would manifest itself in our lovemaking.

The lovemaking that followed, gentle and filled with ecstasy, was brilliant, explosive. We reached a new high in our lovemaking.

********

Neither of us wanted to leave the bed. We held each other firmly, but tenderly, not wanting to break the spell. Who would have the ability to speak, to make the decision that we had to shower and get going? I knew that I was not willing to do that, not now, not after such a beautiful moment in our lovemaking lives. I just wanted to hold him, to kiss him, to protect him, to let him know that all my love for him was real. I thought, 'He's going to have to be the one to decide when; I can't.' Sean was gently moving his hand across my chest. He ran little circles around my nipples with his finger. I was getting stimulated again. But I knew we had to get going; I knew that I had to get a grip on myself, or with little convincing from my lover, I would decide to stay another day. I didn't dare suggest it to him; he would have to ask me. I knew I would say yes.

'My dear God, help me through this most difficult moment. I love him so much, dear Lord, that I cannot even tell him we have to leave. I know, God, that we must, but I just want to stay here with Sean in my arms. It's so right, God. Please help me,' I prayed.

Sean kissed me lightly on my cheek. I looked at him and he was smiling that wonderful smile. He winked at me. "I remember what you said to me the other day, now it's my turn. A penny for your thoughts, Ry."

In that instance I knew I had to tell him exactly how I felt. He had to know that I, too, wanted to stay. I was a victim of the mysterious pull that this cabin and its surroundings had. If I told him, he would be more attuned to getting on with what we both knew deeply in our hearts and minds that we had to do. I took a deep breath.

"Sean, I have to tell you something and I ask that you please not interrupt me. I don't want to leave this place either. I know I told you that earlier, but I didn't tell you how strong that feeling is, how overpowering it is. I want for us to stay here, forgetting the outside world, and to continue with our happy time together; where making love to each other is the most important thing we do. Out there in the real world, other demands on both our lives will keep us apart. I don't know if I am strong enough to return to that routine. I can't imagine getting through each day without you there with me. It is driving me to distraction, Sean. I need you so much in my life; you are a tonic for me. You give me strength; you bring love and joy to me with each touch, each smile. And I don't want to lose that, Baby; if I should, I think I would just waste away. I don't want to leave. I don't. I can't," I told him in a loud almost shouting voice.

Sean pulled away from me and sat up. First he looked at me with wonderment in his eyes; even his smile was conditional. Then the smile broadened, his eyes took on a sparkle, and as is his usual response when I do or say something he likes, he was all over me. I don't think I have gotten that many kisses in that short a time in all of my life. I loved every moment of it. I could feel both our cocks coming to life again, and I made no attempt to stop it; in fact, I returned each kiss with as much passion as I could muster. Then he pulled away again.

"Ryan Taylor, let's get going! Take me home where each night I can go to sleep in your arms and each morning awake in your arms. There, I will be your lover every day. I will watch you prepare our meals, and drive to class with you each day. I will go places and do things with you. I will see some of the world, experience some of the wonderful things you have told me about. I will do all that and more. I want to live life to the fullest with you. You are my soul mate. For you I would do anything, including give up my life if it meant you could go on. I don't want to leave this sanctuary either, but Ryan, we need to do just what you wanted and what I want now. We have to live our lives, and as my parents somehow told me; we have to get on with it now. My God, Hon, do you have any idea how happy I am that you told me exactly how you feel about our place. Here is a Kelly kiss to seal the deal." Sean pulled me into his arms and gave me a Kelly kiss that I wouldn't soon forget.

I had done the right thing. We could leave together now and go about our lives. The cabin would be here for us when we wanted it. I knew that those times would be frequent, as so much of our married life happened here. In all this joy, I still had an inexplicable feeling of cold, not evil, but perhaps great tragedy. I pushed it out of my mind and returned Sean's powerful kiss. I had to tell him again, "I love you, Sean Kelly, more than you will ever know. I'm ready. Let's get going."

We got up from the bed and moved quickly to the bathroom where we enjoyed a sensual shower, discovering, yet again, some of the mysteries of our bodies. It would be a never-ending adventure of discovery in our lives together. We stripped the bed and put clean linens on it. We made sure the bathroom was picked up. We put the soiled linens in the hamper, knowing that Dan would attend to them.

While Sean was dressing and checking his injured feet, I called Dan. He was available, so I talked to him immediately. He wondered if everything was okay at the cabin. I thanked him for both of us for the wonderful surprise he had awaiting us when we arrived. He would take care of the Celica and see that we got it as soon as he could arrange it. He was interested in when Sean and I might be able to see him about the inheritance and other legal matters.

He asked if this coming weekend would be okay. He needed to talk to Sean about a will and trusts, and other matters. He wouldn't be staying with us, as he would be with someone. He would drive the Celica and his friend would drive his car. I thought it was a good idea. They were to have dinner with us on Saturday night because I insisted that they should; he seemed pleased. They would arrive no later than one in the afternoon, or, if possible, earlier. I wanted to ask about his friend, but decided it was best to let Dan tell us about him, or her, when we saw them. Sean came back into the room as the conversation with Dan came to an end.

"He wants to see us this weekend. He thinks you should have a will, and some stuff about trusts. I think I should update my will, too. Dan can take care of that at the same time."

"It's okay with me if he comes this weekend, Ry."

I looked at Sean and smiled knowingly. He frowned at me. "What's that silly smile all about, Ry?" he asked.

"It's just that Dan won't be staying with us. He is bringing a friend and they will be staying somewhere else."

"Oh, and do we know the friend?"

"Don't think so."

"Didn't he tell you who it was? What's his name?"

"He didn't say. He didn't say if it was a man or a woman."

"Ry, of course it's a man. For heaven's sake, Dan's gay."

"Maybe he's more bi than gay."

"Bullshit! Bi guys are wolves in sheep's clothing. They prefer cock to cunt, and you know that's true. It's a cover as far as I am concerned."

"You are pretty harsh, Sean. It's possible to enjoy sex with men and with women. At least there are lots of guys who claim to swing both ways. Interesting about Dan, isn't it? Makes you wonder."

"He just got lucky, that's all. It happens, you know. Think about us, Hon. We fell in love at first sight. Why wouldn't it be possible for Dan to have the same experience as we did.?"

We had wandered into the bedroom while we were chatting and were packing our suitcases. It was mid morning.

"I think what happened to us, Sean, doesn't happen to most people, straight or gay. People usually want to know more about a person. We seemed to know all we wanted to know. I knew the minute I saw you that I wanted you exclusively for myself. I was just a wimp and didn't have the balls to ask you to come home with me. I left that up to you."

"Hon, you can be very hard on yourself, but I know that you do have balls. They are large and beautiful, and I like to kiss them. I asked to go home with you because I was hopelessly in love with you from the moment I saw you at the convocation. I still think it's possible that Dan just fell in love with someone."

"Yeah, you're right as usual. Damn you're smart and perceptive. And sexy. And a great kisser. And you have a great cock. And you have a beautiful ass. And your body is to die for. Other than that, you're just a run-of-the-mill college dude." I was laughing, as was Sean.

"And you my dear partner for life, are articulate, educated, cute as hell. And sexy. You have a magnificent cock, which is mine exclusively. And your ass is something to write a poem about. And your body is great, that is, for an old man. And..."

I was on Sean like the cover on a pan. We were both laughing as we struggled for supremacy. I was getting the better of him, mostly because he was out of control with laughter.

"I'll show you, craphead, who's an old man," I told him."

I was sitting on his midsection and I had has hands held above his head. He continued to laugh, tears running down his face. I leaned forward and kissed him hard on the lips, forcing my tongue into his mouth. His arms were suddenly free and he wrapped them around me, holding me tightly to him. The laughter stopped. There we were like two little boys wrestling for the fun of it, and then suddenly we both were aware that we couldn't stop here. I sat back and pulled my shirt off. I helped Sean get out of his shirt.

I licked his pits and moved to his gorgeous nipples where I licked and sucked and bit. I was involved in what I was doing, not paying attention to anything but those nipples. Suddenly I was on my back, Sean astride me. He was almost mauling me, his desire was so great. I didn't stop him. Before either of us knew it, all of our clothes were strewn about the bedroom. In the heat of the moment, I remember little except the pleasure of our lovemaking. I wanted nothing else; he was my lover; this was our lovemaking. All too soon we revived and quickly began dressing again, chatting amicably about State and our life there.

********

We got our luggage into the Rover, walked around the cabin one last time, went to the porch and looked out over the lake, then hugged each other a number of times. There was no talking; this was a private moment for each of us. Saying goodbye to this place, even if it was only for a few months, continued to be very difficult. We were on the porch, getting ready to go to the Rover and leave, when Sean spoke,

"Ry, would you kiss me once more here, at our special spot. It would mean a great deal to me."

I didn't answer, I took him into my arms and kissed him with gentleness and passion, hoping that I was making it clear to him that I, too, wanted this kiss, this celebration of our time here. Much that I could not explain had happened here; Sean's remarkable connection with his parents; the peace he found here; the sense he now had that he had to live his life to the fullest, each day, each moment. For that I would be eternally beholden to this wonderful place.

"That was a long kiss, Ry. What happened? It was like you were with me physically, but that your mind was somewhere else. Almost like what happened to me."

"No, it was not exactly that. I just was thinking about how this place has come to mean so much to both of us. We learned a lot about life and living here. And our love has matured."

"Yeah, all that. And, Hon, this was our honeymoon suite."

"Honeymoon, I thought you preferred hornymoon. What's happened.?

Sean smiled at me, took my hand, and spoke, "Well, there was a time when I thought hornymoon, but you know, not anymore. I learned more about love than I did sex. I'm mellowing, I guess. It comes with age, you know. You can tell me about that, Ry. After all you are old." Sean was laughing quietly.

I was laughing now, too. He was so damn cute, I couldn't get angry at him, not for that little dig.

"Really? Didn't I show you just a little bit ago that I was not an old man? I can take care of you anytime, Baby. But, as usual, you are completely right about us and about what happened here. See, Baby, you are sensitive and intelligent. and not a craphead. Love you, Babe. Let's go."

Sean smiled that smile; kissed me quickly, took my hand as we headed to the Rover and to another page in the book of our destiny.

II

The ride back to State was boringly uneventful. We chatted about things we would have to get done before classes on Monday. We didn't hit on what Sean would have to decide about the will and trusts when we met with Dan on Saturday. I thought it best to let that go for the moment, as I had no idea how Sean would react to having a will. At age twenty, or even at thirty-two, we don't often consider mortality. Having to consider that possibility wasn't pleasant for most, but especially for a young man in the prime of life. Old people die; young people live! That would be Sean's take on life in general. But maybe not, he had known tragedy in his young life; perhaps he already knew the happenstance of life. While my mind was playing with all this, Sean had been silent. In fact, I thought that he might be taking a nap, but that wasn't it, as I was soon to discover.

"Ryan, you know something?"

"What, Babe?"

"I've been thinking; bet that surprises you. Me thinking?"

"Cut that shit, Sean. I told you I don't want to hear anymore self-deprecating nonsense."

"Sorry, I think I was trying to make a funny. You sound angry, and I don't like that. I don't want you to be angry with me when I try to be lighthearted, funny, or maybe just a wise ass."

"You're right, Baby. I sometimes get too intense, and some things really piss me off. One of them is when you demean yourself. Come on, Sean, you are a great guy. I think you find it hard to forget how you were psychologically put down by that terrible uncle of yours. I love you the way you are, all your bumps and angles, all your faults, and this is one of them. Give yourself a break, Baby. Just be your wonderful self, intelligent, talented, and such a warm, sexy partner."

"Jeez, you make me sound wonderful. Anyway, I was thinking about the will thing. I know we never know when our end will come. You know, I understand that we all have to die. It's just that a guy my age doesn't often think of that. We feel we are young and full of energy, and that we will go on forever. That isn't true, and if I think about it quietly, I realize that many young people never live to be old people. Look at my Mom and Dad. They are good examples."

I noticed that, for what I remember as the first time, Sean referred to his parents as Mom and Dad, not Mommy and Daddy. Did that mean that something significant had happened to him at the cabin? Was he even aware of the change? I had been watching for the sign to Marie's and I found it and took the exit. Sean immediately noticed.

"Hon, you remembered. I like this place. I like the food. I like the people. I love you. We can talk more at lunch."

"I'm a little hungry so I thought this would be a good place to stop for food and for a change of pace. Gets us out of the car, too. Here we are, Baby."

We tumbled out of the Rover, stretched our legs, gave each other a hug, and headed for the door to the restaurant. What a warm greeting we got from Marie. She took us into the quiet room to the table we had on our way to Brattleboro. We thanked her and began to look over the menu, waiting for our waitress.

What a wonderful surprise when Amber came into the room as our waitress. "When Maire told me you two were here again, I told her that I wanted to be your waitress again. If she couldn't accommodate me, I might just quit. She's a honey and had already selected me to be your waitress. So, you two, what has happened since I last saw you?"

Sean spoke up immediately, "Amber, we got married, well it's called a civil union in Vermont, but for us it is a life-long commitment. It's like a marriage, only no one wants to consider it because we are both men."

"Not surprised. I knew you two were in love. I hoped that you would stay together because you are such a perfect couple. Congratulations. Now, have you decided what you want for lunch?"

"I want two cheeseburgers and some fries and a large milk." Sean told her.

"And for you?"

Think I will try the Philadelphia steak sandwich. And milk."

"Ryan, think I would like the steak sandwich also?"

Amber answered for me, "You sure will, honey. It's our most popular sandwich."

"Could you change my order? Think I can eat two of them?"

Amber again, "Absolutely! So let me check, for you, Sean, two Philadelphia steak sandwiches and a large milk. And for you, Ryan, one Philadelphia steak sandwich and milk. Fries come with the sandwich along with a cup of beef barley soup. Correct?"

"Yes, Amber, correct." I told her. She hurried from the room to place our order and bring back the soup.

"She's a lovely person, isn't she, Ry? I like this place."

"So do I, Baby. So you want to talk about the will, or whatever?" I asked him.

Sean looked at me with intensity, almost fear, in his eyes. "If I should die before you do, I want everything I own to go to you. Everything. But you have to promise me just one thing. I don't give a rat's ass what you do with most of it. There's just this one thing."

"I know, Sean, I know. I would never give up the cabin. Never. It would be the only thing that would help me keep my sanity if you were gone. At least for a while."

"What do you mean 'for a while'?"

Before I could answer, Amber came back with the soup and milk. We thanked her and she left. Sean wouldn't be put off.

" I asked you, Ry, what do you 'for a while'?"

"I mean... Sean I hate talking about this. It makes me sad."

"I know, I don't like it either, but we have to do it. So what do you mean?"

'I mean that I don't know how long I could go on living without you. I would try, but I don't think I would last too long."

"My God, Ryan, are you telling me that you would commit suicide? Would you kill yourself? No! No! I don't want you to do that. If anything happened to me, I would want you to go on living. I would want you to find another lover. I would want you to be happy. I would...."

There were tears on both sides of the table. I reached across the table and took Sean's hand into mine. Together we shed a few tears thinking about what might be. I took his hand and kissed it gently.

"Let's eat the soup before it gets cold. It will help us get control and then we can go on with this conversation."

"Go ahead, Ry. You can eat the soup. I, I..."

"Baby, you have to eat. I'm not going to go anywhere, or do anything. But you asked me and I had to tell you. I can't lie to you. I told you a long time ago that I wouldn't want to live without you. You have told me the same thing. That will never change for me. Without you, I would see no point in going on. The only thing that would keep me going would be if we have kids. That would make a difference. I would stay with them until they were grown and educated. Then I don't know what I would do. This I can assure you, though, there would never be another lover. No one could ever take your place, no one. Just forget that. No other lover. Never! Now the tears were flowing freely from my eyes."

Amber came into the room with our sandwiches. A look of alarm came over her face as she saw the two of us with tears streaming down our faces. No soup had been eaten.

"Should I come back later.? Is everything okay? I don't want to interrupt such a private moment."

"No, it's not what you may think, Amber. We are discussing wills and last testaments. It's a very emotional thing because it assumes one of us will not be here any longer. We just made our vows and this is terrifying." I said. Sean just shook his head in the affirmative.

"Look, guys, I am not any expert, but I can tell you this. Making a will and other legal things won't cause either of you to pass away sooner. It's a real sign of love that you would want to make life as good as possible for your partner. I am so in awe of you two. You seem to have a love that is so strong, so complete that you can't imagine the world, and living without the other. You are both young, seem healthy, and are not foolhardy; I think you can count on a long life. Forgive me for preaching, but just enjoy your love. She put down the food, turned on her heels and left the room.

"She's a wise woman." said Sean.

"Yeah."

"I do want you to be happy, Ry. For as long as you live, I want you to have whatever you need. That's all I am trying to say."

I just had to hug and kiss Sean. I got up from the table went around to the other side, pulled him to his feet, and took him into my arms and kissed him deeply but with just love, not lust. He hugged me tightly and returned my kiss.

"I love you, Ry. It's that simple."

"And I love you, Sean. It's that simple."

"I think I'm hungry. Let's eat."

"A perfectly wonderful idea. Let's dig in."

Lunch proceeded calmly from that point on. We would finish the conversation on the drive home. We had a wonderful piece of apple pie to finish off lunch. We thanked Amber for her good advice and she informed us that she liked us better smiling than weeping. She and Marie asked us not to forget them and we assured them that we would be back. Perhaps we left Marie's with a better feeling about our future and about wills. Our ride home would tell us much.

********

It didn't surprise me that for a long stretch of the ride home there was little conversation. I had the radio tuned to the public radio station. I switched it on and there was symphonic music playing. It seemed appropriate to our mood. I knew that Sean's silence was an indicator of his deep thought. I drove on, keeping silent, and before long I, too, was deep in thought, thinking about many things, but more aware now than ever before in my life that we cannot know the future. We need to prepare for it with wills and such, but they are not predictors either. They are nets, established to keep things from falling through, from becoming lost. I found it devilishly unnerving to think of Sean going on after I had died. That for me was more terrifying than thinking about my going on without Sean. It was getting later in the December afternoon, and the light was diminishing. Darkness would soon be here, even that was an unpleasant thought. Sean reached forward and turned off the radio. Then he spoke:

"Ryan Taylor, if anything ever happened to me and you were left alone, I need your promise that you would never harm yourself. I need your promise that you would go on living, making the most of every day God gives you. If you don't want another lover, that's okay with me. In fact, I like the idea. But if you should find another person to love, I would want you to go on with your life and experience love again. Someday, you and I would be together again, perhaps not for ions, because we do not know the nature of time in God's world. I do know this, Ry, as fate brought us together, so fate will reunite us in the afterlife. I am sure of that."

"Sean, I can only promise you this. I would never have another lover. That is out of the question. I will try to go on without you, but it would be the most difficult thing I have ever been asked to do, but for you, Lover, I promise. As to not harming myself, I can't make that promise to you, Sean, because I don't know what the future will hold. Sean, could you make the same promises to me? Could you?"

Sean glanced at me, tears running down his beautiful face. He rested his hand on my arm, gently, not interfering with my driving. He sat that way for a long time, looking at me occasionally and then staring into the darkening late afternoon. I said nothing, but waited, hoping I would know how he would answer.

"Ry, I can promise you that there would never be another lover. I could never love anyone else in this world as I love you. I would go on, trying to be happy. But, Ry, I want you to know that without you, it would be very difficult. For our kids, if we have any, I would go on, caring and loving them for both of us. In the end, when we talk about suicide, I can't promise you that. I don't know what I would do in those terrible circumstances. My faith tells me that it is morally wrong, but without you I would have less faith. I know I would question a God who would take you away from me. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes."

"I'm not afraid anymore. I know that we have to face life with realistic expectations. We are not going to be happy all the time. There will be sad times when we lose loved ones, Aunt Emily, Mom, Dad, close friends. We will know illness. We will suffer derision because we are gay and a committed couple. We will probably fail at some of our undertakings. But if we are together through those times, we will become stronger and our love will only grow and mature. I will always love you, Hon, but I realize that our love will change as we move through life. When I see Mom and Dad, still so much in love, not a lustful love, but a quiet, serene love, I know what happens to two people who truly love each other. I think we love each other like that. I am confident that we can handle the disappointments and the tragedies of life together; they may put wrinkles on our faces, but they will enlarge the capacity of our hearts to love."

There was silence. Finally I got myself together emotionally enough to tell Sean this:

"There, Sean, is an example of how intelligent and mature and thoughtful you are. What you just said speaks volumes about your sensitivity and your capacity for love. You amaze me, Baby. I don't think I could say what you just said with as much eloquence, as much intelligence, and as much sincerity as you did. That's just one of the reasons why I love you as I do."

For that I got a quick kiss on the cheek and a squeeze of my thigh. I knew in that moment that we had passed an emotional roadblock. We would be free now to handle the difficult notion of life and death. The promises we had just made, or might not, ever be called upon for fruition, but they gave us a notion of what we would and wouldn't do. Only time and the unraveling of life would tell us more.

The music played on, and we drove closer and closer to our home. It seemed almost impossible that so much time had passed, but I found myself pulling into the parking lot at our townhouse. I pulled into a parking place, turned the key, and the engine stopped. I unfastened my seat belt, moved to my lover and gave him a sincere and loving kiss. He returned it.

We took our belongings from the Rover and walked to the townhouse door. After unlocking the door, we went into the entry. There in the darkness, we welcomed each other back to our home.

It just felt right. We were home.

To be continued...

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