“To Thine Own Self Be True”

By: Pee Jay
(© 2012 by the author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

 It wasn’t the first trip I made to southeast Florida. Since I was transferred to Tampa from California, I drove it every week as the company was expanding in the region. I didn’t mind the drive; it took a few hours and it gave me time to think. As usual, the sun was shining and the sky was full of cumulus clouds dotting the blue Florida sky. I drank in the view and savored the moment.

So why was that trip so different? I had done it enough that the drive was second nature to me yet I had something to confront. I was about to turn twenty-two and still hadn’t slept with anyone. Oh there were plenty of opportunities, but it didn’t happen because I wouldn’t let it.

How I regretted not pursuing Paul in college. His dorm room was across the hall and two doors down from mine and he was very attractive. I always caught myself staring at him and, oddly enough, him returning my gaze. Oh well, that was then and I had to deal with the situation that dogged me. I didn’t exploit the opportunity with Paul but surely there had to be someone like him. I resolved to not turn twenty-two and remain a virgin. I was going to make it happen.

 I long ago recognized that I was gay and that was a huge step. Actually, the truth be known, I always knew that I was. It was the acceptance thing that I had trouble with. Anyway, the next step was going to be a big one. How the heck would I satiate the desire within? My eigth grade teacher, Sister Emmarita, always stressed being true to one’s self and I never forgot it. I thought it sounded like a good way to be.

On the other hand, I didn’t want to sleep with just anyone. I wanted it to be special and therein lay the problem and I was running out of time.

I wasn’t concerned about my appearance. I’d had too many advances from both sexes to doubt myself. I was a pro at dismissing difficult situations; it was second nature for me. I had an athletic physique which helped me in sports. I was good, though I wasn’t a jock. Running five miles a day didn’t hurt either.

When I made it to the hotel in Ft. Lauderdale, I glanced at the clock in the lobby. It was six. I had made pretty good time. The anxiety of my thoughts caused the speedometer to reach eighty on a couple occasions. I was grateful there were no cops on the Florida turnpike. Come to think of it, I couldn’t recall ever seeing them out there. Maybe they left people alone since it was a toll road and you had to pay. Oh well, who cares, and it really didn’t matter. I made it and I had to face the thing that consumed me.

I don’t mind saying, I was a bit more than apprehensive; hell, I was scared. And yet I wanted it to happen so bad it ached. I wanted someone to hold and caress. I wanted someone to want me, the way I wanted him. How was I going to do it? Where would I find him? Who would he be? Would it be an elusive one-niter or would he be the one? I decided to stop thinking about it. It was consuming my every thought—eating at me. I considered remaining asexual. As unfulfilling as that was, it seemed much easier.

I usually went for a five mile run along the beach after check-in, and then I would go out for dinner and a couple drinks. That night, I wasn’t in the mood. I lie on the bed in my room trying to sort things out. God, I was a sight to behold. I knew I was gay because I was acting like a big sissy and thinking like one, too. I closed my eyes and had a vision. I saw myself standing at the window in my room with my arms around someone. It was a guy. We were in our underwear and we were holding each other.

“Oh my God,” I thought, “stop it ya big wuss,” I told myself as I snapped out of it. “Get off your arse and make it happen.”

When I awoke the next day, it was Friday morning and I had two construction sites to visit. I was regional construction manager and it was my job to monitor the progress as well as the contractor’s compliance to the plans. I decided to get going since one jobsite was in Hollywood and the other was in Hialeah and the traffic in southeast Florida was horrific. I’d be spending most of the day on the road. I was glad the company car was a nice one since I spent so much time in it.

I made a routine visit to the site in Hollywood and everything was on schedule. The quality of work was pretty good, too. I made a mental note to give the contractor another bidding opportunity; he was doing a good job. When I finished with the site superintendent, I told him I was going to wander around for awhile then left the field office. Who was I trying to kid? What I really wanted was to see if there were any hot guys working on the job. I could get away with staring since it was my job to observe. I prayed for something to look at; even if all I could do was look.

As I strolled around, my eyes wandered randomly from guy to guy. It occurred to me to look at the work once in awhile then smiled inwardly. A few minutes later and then suddenly it happened.

“Look at that!”’ I thought. For Pete sake the guy was unbelievable. I couldn’t stop gawking. I wondered what I would do with him if I could. I knew damn well I could figure out something.

I knew I was staring and yet I couldn’t help it; he was captivating. I felt a bulge in my pants and wished it weren’t happening, not at work, not in plain sight. I clasped my job folder with both hands and held it in front of me; what else could I do short of leaving and that wasn’t an option. I decided to take in as much of him as I could as my mind raced.

He must have been all of 6’-2” tall. I was 6’-0” and he was a bit taller. He was wearing a sleeveless, tight fitting T-shirt that clung to his body, which was well defined. And on top of that, his looks were stunning. My first impression was that he must have a girlfriend. My problem was; I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

Then he stood up and looked my way and I was busted. “What a dork,” I told myself. Then he smiled at me. I had the urge to leave; I was caught staring. No, I got caught ogling—how pathetic.

Before I could finish the thought, he started walking toward me. I could feel the damp in my armpits. I prayed it wasn’t obvious. I felt light headed and confused. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to, which I didn’t. I held my job folder in front of me covering up my pride, or should I say my problem.

“My name is Tony,” he said extending his hand with a smile.

I reached for his hand then said, “Hi, I’m Andrew. My friends call me Drew.”

As I grasped his hand, it became clear that I was getting an awkward grip. Sort of off center or something so I adjusted my grip then shook his hand. If I had taken my eyes off his handsome face, I would have been able to see his hand and get it right the first time. And why did I tell him my friends called me Drew? That sounded lame. Things weren’t going well. I was sure it was obvious by the look on my face. I didn’t know why, yet I felt uptight. The brush off and denial thing was supposed to be second nature for me; though there I was feeling nothing short of awkward.

He closed his engaging smile masking his white teeth, then said, “You’re probably wondering why that was done like that, aren’t you?”

I responded with, “Yes,” having no clue as to what he was referring to. He didn’t know it, but he had an aura about him and I could feel it. Lord, how I wanted to get inside it.

There were a few times I recalled having that swooning feeling. Usually it happened when I was walking through the airport, at the mall, or some public place. It always came and passed quickly. But that time, I was forced to deal with it. There wasn’t much I could do so I resolved to make the best of a difficult moment.

“The problem,” Tony began, “is with this grade beam over here.” Then he turned and pointed to it. He placed his hand on the back of my shoulder to escort me.

My shoulder did an involuntary twitch.

“Oh sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay.” I replied, “it’s so hot today,” if he only knew the half of it.

“Why don’t you take your tie off and loosen your collar?” he suggested, “there’s no one from the office here.”

 “Yeah, your right and it’s humid, too,” and so I did. I hoped that would help me calm down and breathe easier. I had to get a grip. I reminded myself that it was business and not the beginning of some slow dance though the thought was intriguing.

After a few paces it dawned on me, he thought I noticed a flaw and wanted to explain it; maybe I saved face, just maybe. As I followed him, I couldn’t help but notice every aspect of him; his dirty blond hair highlighted by the sun, his tan skin, the way he filled out his jeans, and his well defined muscles that were just right and not too big. And those eyes... yes those eyes... how they gripped and held my attention.

After his explanation, I agreed and accepted the alteration. I would have accepted anything from him for Christ sake. He smiled again and asked if I was from the area.

“No,” I said. “I’ live in the Tampa Bay area.” I couldn’t help myself; he was so darn sexy. I couldn’t converse with him, I was so nervous. I had to get a grip. All I could think about was him with no clothes on.

“So I guess you’ll be returning home for the weekend then?” he asked.

“No,” I replied, “I have one more site to visit today, then I plan to stay until Sunday.” I paused for a breath before I continued, “I thought I would mess around in Ft. Lauderdale and hang out. My hotel is on the beach so I planned to spend some time there.”

“Nice,” he said, “would you like to hang out tonight? I can show you around a little if you like.”

“For Christ sake,” I thought, “this can’t be happening. How could I just hang out with him?” I was so wrenched up inside, my guts were roiling and I couldn’t take a decent breath because of the lump in my throat. I took little short ones, which had to do until I could quell the anxiety within.

Of course I wanted to hang out with him. I didn’t know how the heck I could say it without appearing overly eager; I felt so uptight. “Okay,” I told myself, “make those butterflies line up and get on with it. After all, it isn’t a date or anything; we’re going to hang out.”

“Okay, sounds good,” I finally managed to eke out, which didn’t sound very enthusiastic. So I added, “I’m looking forward to it,” trying to be upbeat. “Geez, that sounded so sappy—what a dork,” I thought to myself.

I fumbled for my wallet to give him a business card so he had my coordinates. “Here,” I said as I handed him the card. “That’s so you know who to ask for when you phone the hotel. I should be back by six at the latest.”

Since I worked out of the house, he really did have all my information. I could only hope that he found a reason to use it.

“Okay, I have to get moving. I still have a lot of ground to cover today,” I said as I nervously extended my hand.

He reached for it and then our eyes locked. I may as well have lost it, which I nearly did; touching him was exhilarating. I was a basket case and I was sure he had me figured out. God, I knew for sure I was a dork! “Who would want to hang out with a dork like me?” was all I could think. I answered my own question with, “Mr. Perfect, that’s who!”

“See ya later,” I managed.

Then he replied, “See ya,” as I turned and headed for the car. I felt his eyes on me and did my best to walk with confidence, though the knots in my stomach were indicating something altogether different. All I had to do was make it to the car and I would be safe. I pulled it off. As dorky as I felt, I didn’t want him to know.

As I drove away, I placed the hand that he shook inside my shirt and moved it up and down my stomach and chest as though it were Tony making the moves ... it got me hot and bothered and the thought of him felt good. I wanted to see him again. I couldn’t help it.

The rest of the day was uneventful, thank God. All I could do was visualize him, his face, his eyes, his jean clad body, and feel his aura. I wondered if he was the one. At that time and place, I wanted him to be. And if he was, well you know, inclined that way; would he be able to bring himself to be with me? He could have anybody he wanted, what made me think I could be with him? I had to play it cool and not get my hopes up. He was probably a nice guy with nothing better to do. I was sure that was it and nothing more, yet one could hope! I would definitely do it with him if it came down to that.

I finished my run and was drying off after a shower when the phone rang. I looked at the clock radio on the desk. It was 6:15. I tensed up as I surmised that it was probably Tony. The office was closed, so it couldn’t be the boss or anyone from work.

I felt my heart begin to race as I lifted the receiver then said, “Hello.”

“Hey Drew, its Tony,” the voice on the other end said. “Are you ready to go?” he asked.

I couldn’t believe he actually followed through with the whole thing. I purposely left it up to him in case he changed his mind or came across a better proposition. I was sure someone of his caliber had a lot of options.

 “Yeah, almost; just a couple more minutes and I’m good to go,” I said. “Where do you want to meet?”

“I’m in the hotel lobby now. I’m using the house phone.”

I swallowed not at all expecting that response. I was standing there in my birthday suit. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll be right down; see ya in a minute.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

I couldn’t believe it was real. There I stood wishing I were going on our first date and, as far as he was concerned, we were hanging out. “Why was I doing that to myself?” I wondered. And yet I couldn’t help but think....

I selected a pair of baggy shorts and a polo shirt that hung well below my waist in case I had a problem again. I finished dressing, slipping into a pair of leather deck shoes. Satisfied with my selection, I passed the brush through my hair then shook my head a bit so the look wasn’t too perfect. How the heck could it be? He was the perfect one.

As I exited the elevator, I panned the lobby and spotted him sitting on a sofa looking at a magazine. I paused for a moment to absorb more of him. Damn he was sexy. He was wearing the same thing I was except he had sandals on his feet; even his feet looked sexy. As I approached him, he looked up and smiled. I almost melted but somehow managed to keep my outward appearance steadfast, then I returned his smile.

“Well Drew, do you have anything in particular you want to do?” he asked.

“I would like to eat first. I don’t like eating too late if you don’t mind.”

“Me either,” he said, “how does Mexican sound?”

“That would be great. Do you have a place in mind?”

“I know a nice spot with an open air terrace and a view of the ocean,” he said. “It’s not far from here.”

“Sounds good, I’m buying since I can put it on my expenses, okay?” I asked.

“Deal!” he replied as he leapt to his feet.

Though it wasn’t a date, it was surely beginning to feel like one and I liked the feeling a lot. I wanted to touch him so bad. I wanted to run my hands over every part of him. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted intimacy. Lord, I was having a problem again.

As we walked down the sidewalk, I noticed we were almost the same height. I guess I thought he was taller because he was so awesome. I guessed him to be the same age as me; I don’t know why, I just did. It would have been perfectly natural to hold his hand or put my arm around him. He had an easy, almost gregarious, gait that seemed to fit his demeanor.

I was first to initiate conversation. “So is your girlfriend busy or working tonight?” I asked. “For Christ sake,” I thought to myself, “why did I say that?”

“Nope, I don’t have a girlfriend,” he replied. “How about you?”

“Me either,” I replied, “since I was transferred here six months ago, I haven’t developed much of a social life.”

I thought I had a pretty good excuse being new to Florida. I wondered what his excuse would be but resolved not to push it. He chose not to explain so I let it go.

“Are you from the area?” I asked him.

“Originally, I’m from Michigan,” he said. “I moved here with my parents when I was eighteen. That was shortly after Dad retired. They thought I was too young to be on my own, so they brought me along. I’m glad they did; I like it here.”

I was certainly glad they brought him along, too; even if nothing came of our time together. At least I would have our time together to appreciate.

“Well, here we are,” he said.

“Geez, I didn’t notice us coming up on the place,” I remarked.

He led us to a table on the terrace with no one else nearby. I liked that. We took our seats then I leaned back and stretched my legs. The table was café style, meaning not real big and the chairs were proportional. As I stretched my legs, I brushed against his and had a rush of—I don’t know what. I had never felt that sensation before. He took a short, deep breath; that was his only reaction and I heard it.

I left my leg there for a second too long before I pulled it back. He didn’t flinch. I could feel my face warming up. That was the most erotic moment I ever had. He had a sexy leer on his face as our eyes met. Something told me things were going to go the way I wanted. I was scared to death.

As we sat opposite each other, I thought to myself, “Would someone please say something,” though I had no idea what to say. I was so embarrassed and excited at the same time. Good God, I never felt like more of a dork and alive at the same time. I thought it would be easier to die and discharge the whole thing. I couldn’t wait to escape to my room and put the whole thing behind me. What the sam heck was I thinking? Then I was tongue and thought tied.

Tony was first to break the silence. “What are you going to order?”

That snapped me back to the reality of the moment. “Uh, I’m not sure,” I said.

I thought to myself, “Probably something gay. No, probably something dorky, ha ha,” then I laughed at myself. “I guess I’ll have a Margarita while I figure it out. How about you?”

Tony said, “I was going to have a beer but a Margarita sounds much better, I’ll go with that.”

He waived the waitress over since my back was to the action and placed our order. The waitress said hello to him after she took our order and asked how he was. He responded, “Good thanks,” then she turned and walked away. I wasn’t surprised she wanted to talk to him. As good as he looked; anyone would want to talk to him.

“I’m going to find something on the menu,” I said as I picked it up.

We both raised our menus and started reading. I was going to get an enchilada or something simple; my stomach was so uneasy. I didn’t know if I would be able to eat. I was beginning to feel a little better; it must have been the Margarita. I decided to order another one with the meal.

“I think I’m going to get the enchilada plate,” I said.

“Oh, you’ll like that,” Tony said, “It’s one of my favorites.”

“You feel like going for a walk on the beach after we eat?” I asked.

“That would be nice. We can walk off the meal and the alcohol.”

We sat and talked as we waited for our meal. If it were up to me, I could do that a lot. I really enjoyed his company. He was calm and self assured with an easy going manner. And oh so nice to look at! The more we talked, the more relaxed I became. I was perfectly at ease and, for the moment, had a serene feeling that no matter what happened; I would do all I could to see him again. I felt good. My mind went back to the leg incident. I thought how nice it would be if we were together. I would be able touch and feel him anytime I wanted. I couldn’t help myself; I wanted to touch him again. I knew then and there that I would. Damn it, my problem was back with a mind of its own.

I made it through dinner and felt good. He had a way of allaying my anxiety and I was able to finish most of my plate; the two Margaritas helped, too. After our meal, we crossed the street to the beach then began to stroll parallel to the surf. I walked next to him absorbing everything about him; his mannerisms and the nuances that defined and made him who he was.

The conversation was easy and we discussed a lot of things about ourselves. I thought that was a good thing knowing what I had in mind. After a while, we came to a bench and he suggested that we sit down. I wasn’t sure how far we walked but it was a good distance.

I was the first to take a seat then he sat down next to me. The bench was large enough to accommodate four people so I was a little on edge. At that point, I didn’t care. I wanted it to happen; I was sure of it. I thought if he didn’t have something similar in mind, we certainly would not have done and talked about the things we did. Yet I had an air of apprehension below the surface.

The day had cooled off and turned into a pleasant evening. A cool breeze was coming off the ocean and I noticed it tossing his hair. I couldn’t help but think, “Does the guy ever have a time when he doesn’t look good?” I began to feel self conscious next to him so I thought I should say something. I asked, “So do you live far from here?”

“No” he said, “just a few minutes away. I come here often. In fact, I walked here tonight because I like walking on the beach.”

He relaxed his leg allowing it to rest against mine. My pulse spiked and my mind went into a frenzy. I wasn’t sure what my stomach was doing; I was one big knot. I thought of getting up and running but I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or what. I felt so tired from the events of the day. Those self-imposed, emotional peaks and troughs were wearing on me. I sat there liking it; that was all I could do.

It seemed like forever when Tony broke the silence. “Do you want me to move it?” he asked.

Without hesitation, I said, “No.” That was all I could manage. I kept looking at the sand a few feet in front of us. He remained quiet, too. I wanted to touch him earlier and his leg was saying go ahead.

I raised my head and turned to look at him then said, “I like it,” with a smile. Inside, I was relieved,  I did it! I had to tell him how I felt otherwise, how would he know? I felt so light having said it and loved the sound of the words. That was better than going to confession; my soul was bared.

He glanced around to see if anyone on the beach was looking. There was no one in close proximity to us. He beamed that beautiful smile then leaned in a little bit. “This is it,” I thought to myself. Before he could do anything, I moved my lips to his and kissed him. Not a long or short one, just a kiss. As I pulled back I looked into his eyes and waited for his reaction. He smiled and said, “It’s going to be okay.”

I knew then that he was going to be the one. How had I gotten so lucky? My heart was still pounding but that time it was from excitement. Damn, he tasted as good as he looked. He took my hand and held it. I was inside that aura of his and liked it. As we sat there, I felt like I was on top of the world and what a towering feeling it was.

After a short while, he broke the silence. “I had seen you visit the job for a couple weeks now,” he said. “I wasn’t sure if I would say anything to you.” Then he fell silent for a few moments.

I felt a little awkward since he noticed me and I had only taken notice of him that day. “How could I have missed him for two weeks?” I wondered. “So what,” I told myself. “I’m here now and that’s exactly what I wanted.” I hoped he was thinking the same thing. As I held his hand, I felt my problem rising again.

I looked at him again and he was already fixed on me. We both had a laugh. We both knew. I was entranced just looking at him; he had a way of disarming me. He smiled then nodded for me to look down. When I did, I noticed my problem was obvious. I looked down at him and he had a similar situation. I felt so alive. I knew we had to go somewhere. That was it. It was definitely going to be him!

He tugged at my hand as he stood and I followed him to my feet. We began walking down the beach away from the hotel and restaurant. I knew we were heading for his place. I was glad for that. Somehow a hotel room seemed cold and impersonal. I was ready for anything and still a little scared; but I was going to follow through. I wanted to do it in the worst way! I couldn’t believe that it was going to be him. I didn’t think I could have had it any better.

We talked as we walked. I told him about my lack of experience. He smiled and said he had the feeling that it might be and that everything was going to be okay. I believed him. I told him how awesome he was and he returned the compliment.

Wow, he thought I was awesome, too! I couldn’t help thinking even hoping that our time together might lead to something. In any case, I was with Mr. Perfect and that was all that mattered.

He unlocked the door then I followed him to the kitchen. He took two waters from the fridge and placed them on the counter. I reached out and ran my fingers through his hair; I wanted to be with him so bad I could hardly stand it. He put his arms around my waist and moved in for the kill. His lips were so pleasing; I didn’t want it to stop. I ran my hands over every part of him. He hugged me securely with one arm as he explored me with the other. I felt like I was going to let go right then and there.

When we parted, he took me by the hand and led me to his room.

We did everything to each other. I had waited so long and it was so much more than I could have imagined. I didn’t want it to end. I couldn’t get enough of him. I let him do anything he wanted and loved every minute of it. I knew he did, too. It was quite obvious.

When we finished, we were exhausted as we lay motionless and spent. The moonlight illuminated the room allowing me to regard his face and muscular body. As I lay next to him, my arm on his stomach, moving my hand over his chest and nipples; I savored the moment. I never felt anything that perfect before. Hell, the whole thing felt perfect. All I could do was stare into his eyes as we lay in each other’s arms. I hadn’t a care in the world.

“Will we be able to see each other again?” I asked. Damn, I did it again. There I went with my dorkiness, yet I had to know.

He said, “You don’t have a choice. You’re going to have a hard time getting away from me.”

He smiled and pulled my head to his shoulder so our heads were touching. I loved the smell and warmth of him. His lips were inches away. We kissed then he said, “Let’s get some rest.”

“Okay,” I said as I closed my eyes. “And just so you know, I don’t want to get away from you.”

Posted: 02/24/12