Caution and Courage
By: Morris Henderson
(© 2012 by the author)
 

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Chapter 23 

The brunch at a posh restaurant was delicious but neither Will nor Billy could fully enjoy the meal because they were preoccupied with the looming prospect of breaking the news to Will’s parents who would undoubtedly be shocked and saddened.  Billy’s anxiety was particularly high because he had never been in such elegant surroundings for a meal.  He participated very little in the conversation for reasons beyond his nervousness.  He didn’t want to embarrass himself or disappoint his lover by saying something he feared would be stupid.  His silence, however, didn’t seem to bother anyone else at the table.  Will’s parents made absolutely no effort to include “the stranger” in table talk.

Having eaten, they were enjoying a final cup of coffee when Will said, “Thank you, Father, for a delicious meal.  I also want to thank you for something else.  I know I haven’t always lived up to your expectations but I’m grateful for all you’ve done for me and provided to me as I grew up.  I love you for that.”

Most fathers would reply with some variant of “I love you, too, Son.” But the man looked perplexed and merely took another sip of coffee.  Will anticipated his father’s reaction and decided to press the point.  “I love both of you.  I hope you never doubt my love for you.”

Mrs. Benson mustered the courtesy (It was impossible to tell if it was a sincere expression of feeling.) to say, “That’s most kind of you to say that, Willard.”  Again, however, there was no reciprocity; she didn’t say she loved her son.  Will had hoped she would but reasoned that her omission was just a symptom of habitual emotionlessness.

Will carried on with his plan.  “It’s because I love you that I want to be completely honest.  You deserve nothing less.  The fact of the matter is that Billy is more than a good friend.  Much more.  I love him deeply and he loves me.  We’ve decided that we’re going to live together as partners.”

The shock and dismay quickly became obvious in his parent’s faces.  His father found his voice and asked, “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means we love each other just as a husband and wife love each other.  It means we’re gay.  And we’re committed to be loving partners for the rest of our lives.”

Mr. Benson leaned across the table to confront Will as closely as possible and spat out, “No son of mine is going to be a goddamn queer.  There are places that will cure you of that disgusting sickness.  You’re going to get therapy, young man!”

“It’s NOT a sickness!” Will said assertively.  “It’s what I am.  No prayers or therapy can change that.  I’m gay.  I didn’t CHOOSE to be gay but I am.  Just like thousands of other men.  Some of them — to escape vicious bigotry and persecution — never reveal what they are.  If I made any CHOICE in the matter it was to be honest with myself and with others ... especially the family that I love.  Send me to therapy?  It won’t happen!  I’m a grown man now and not the child that you can control with your commands.  There was a time when that may have been appropriate but no longer.  Not even using your network to influence the Commandant of Great Lakes and the Captain of the Brighton.”  (The man flinched but did not deny his meddling.)  “I’m an adult!  As an adult I will lead my own life that, by the way, includes gratitude and love for my parents.”

“Listen here!” the man growled.

But Will interrupted and said, “I’ll listen if you will.  Did you hear what I said?  I’m gay.  Nothing can change that.  And I love you.”

His father said nothing but scowled.  His mother said, “If you love us, how can you do this to us?  Can you even imagine the shame we’ll endure in the community?”

“I’m telling you BECAUSE I love you and you deserve the truth.  Your ‘community’ need never know.  Unless you tell them.  And I’m certain you won’t because it will damage your reputation.”

Mrs. Benson then said, “If you will excuse me, I need to freshen up.”  She walked hurriedly toward the ladies room.

Carolyn said, “I’d better go with her and talk to her.”

In the restroom, Mrs. Benson was close to tears.  Nothing Carolyn said seemed to ease her mother’s humiliation or her fretting over being known as the mother of a queer son.  Annoyed by her mother’s self-centeredness, Carolyn said, “He’s your son, Mom!  Can’t you see that he loves you?  Can’t you love him in return?  Must you be obsessed with your own reputation?  I think you should go back and tell him you disapprove but love him just the same.”  Completely exasperated, Carolyn walked out and returned to the dining area to find Will and Billy alone at the table.  “Where’s Dad?” she asked.

“He left to pay the bill.  He said he would be waiting in the car.”

“Is that all he said?  No more condemnation for being gay?  Certainly not any words of support or wishes for your happiness.”

There was a very awkward silence on the drive home.  Mr. Benson was uncharacteristically quiet but fuming over his son’s assertiveness and depravity.  His anger gradually amplified as he thought of his son’s ‘rebellion’ and moral rot.  He vowed to himself to ‘fix’ both problems.   Mrs. Benson was consumed by self-pity.  Her treasured standing as a paragon of social virtue was jeopardized.  (She failed to recognize that her involvement on the Boards of Social Service Charities was motivated by an insatiable appetite to be recognized rather than helping those in need.  She was also oblivious to her compulsive drive to be respected as a leader of the high society elite rather than showing genuine friendship to others.)  Will’s thoughts focused primarily on regret over upsetting his parents but knew that he had to say what he did if only to be honest and to overcome the oppressive domination by his father.  Yet another regret was asking his lover to endure the traumatic confrontation with his parents.  He also worried about the barrage of abuse he was sure to receive when they were no longer in public.  Billy’s thoughts were sympathy for his lover and gratitude that his own parents had received the news far more humanely.  Carolyn’s distress was out of concern for Will first but also her parents.  She was also examining her own life and values, which reinforced her resolve not to be a clone of her self-absorbed mother or her dogmatic and bigoted father.

Upon entering the house, Mr. Benson jabbed Will on the chest with his finger and said, “I want to see you in my den.  NOW.”  He stormed off.

“Are you still with me?” Will asked Billy plaintively.

“We’s partners.  Right?”

The two lovers walked into the den only to be greeted with a snarling, “I wanted to see YOU, Willard!  Not your fag buddy!”

“Billy stays,” Will asserted.  “He’s very much a part of me.  If he leaves, so do I.”

“Jesus Christ, Willard!  What the fuck’s gotten into you?  Are you maliciously trying to torment me?  It’s bad enough you think you’re queer.  Now you have the balls to disobey me!”

“First of all, Father, I don’t THINK I’m gay.  I KNOW it.  I’ve known it for years.  Secondly, I’m not trying to torment you.  I’m just being honest with you ... because I love you.  Honesty is a virtue, is it not?  At least give me credit for that.  Not that you’ve ever given me credit for anything I’ve done.  And finally, as I tried to say earlier, I’m a grown man now and don’t need an adult to tell me what to do and what not to do.  I tolerated that when I was little but it’s totally inappropriate and unnecessary now.”

“You’re SICK!  A QUEER FAG!  And this piece of shit you say you’re in love with is the cause of it all.”

“Stop right there!” Will yelled.  In a calmer voice he continued, “Billy has more compassion and ethics than anyone I’ve ever met.  And that includes the arrogant, pampered snobs I went to school with.  He’s not out to dictatorially manipulate other people; that’s the last thing he would ever do.  He didn’t turn me gay.  I was gay long before I met him.  What he DID do was earn my love.  And give me the happiness that I’ve craved for a very long time.  I’m truly sorry if that doesn’t meet your standards of RESPECTABLE behavior but I cannot ... WILL not ... tolerate your demeaning his character!”

Will’s defense of Billy served only to further enrage his father who screamed, “Don’t you realize that you’re screwing up your life ... your future?  Why can’t you see that engaging in a disgusting, abnormal sexual relationship will preclude any chance of success?  If you aspire to success, you’ll abandon the patently depraved life of a queer.  You’ll choose respectable friends instead of an ignorant farm boy.”

“Ignorant?”  Will exclaimed.  “I’ve already said I won’t tolerate demeaning Billy’s character.  Either you weren’t listening or you don’t give a damn about my feelings or his.  As for success, it depends entirely on how you define it.  If success is wealth and status, if success is USING people to achieve and maintain that status, if success is measured by opulence and ostentation, then I REJECT it.  If, however, success is happiness, if it is compassion, empathy, and helping others — especially those in need — if it’s living the Golden Rule, then it’s the kind of success I will diligently pursue.”

The angry man had never been challenged so earnestly and he was incapable of responding except by resorting to single-minded authority.  “I thought you were only sick, a queer.  But it’s worse than I imagined.  ALL your values are screwed up.  You’re fucking crazy!  And hopeless!  GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!”

“One more word before I leave,” Will said calmly.  “In spite of our differences, I love you.”

“BULL SHIT!” his father exclaimed.  “The only thing you love is some twisted notion that you have the right answers.  You’re WRONG!  And you’ll live to regret your misguided life style.  GET OUT!  NOW!”

Out on the patio with Billy, Will said, “Boy, I sure screwed this up.  I’d hoped to repair a relationship but I failed.”

“I disagree,” Billy said.  “Ya done what ya planned doin’.  Ya told yur folks you loved ‘em.  You told ‘em we’s gay.  And ya done it good and proper like.  Ya can’t help how they reacted.  And one more thing.  Ya knew it would be a shock.  Ya knew they’d be mad as wet hens.  They been actin’ in anger and ya can’t hold it against ‘em.  There’s still hope they’ll settle down.  Can’t say it’ll be easy or soon but it’s up t’ them now.  Ya was honest.  Now they’s gotta be honest with their own selves.”

<><><><><> 

Life in the Benson household was filled with tension for the rest of the day.  Will and Billy were completely ignored and ultimately gave up on attempts to engage the elder Bensons in conversation.  The stifling tension was relieved the next day, Monday, when Will’s father went to work and his mother spent the entire day shopping and lunching with her friends.  Will, Billy, and Carolyn had a chance to reflect on the situation over lunch.

“Your news was probably received much as you expected,” Carolyn mused.

“Yes,” agreed Will.  “But I held out hope that it wouldn’t be so confrontational.  I don’t recall seeing Dad so angry.  And Mom ... she was a surprise ... thinking exclusively about the damage to her reputation.”

“Are you sorry you told them?” Carolyn asked.

“Yes and no.  I regret upsetting them but I’m glad it’s over with.  I tried to soften the blow by assuring them of my love for them.  How many times did I say that?  And how many times was it ignored?  I tried to emphasize being honest but I suppose it’s a classic case of ‘the truth hurts.’  God!  It wasn’t my intent to hurt them!  Sure, I knew they would be disappointed and would disapprove but I didn’t foresee the intensity of the pain and the anger.  Knowing what I know now, would I do it again?  NO!”

Carolyn looked over to Billy and said, “We haven’t heard from you.  What’s your impression of the Benson family?”

Billy was caught off guard by the question and took a moment to consider his answer.  “Well, first off, they’s prob’ly nice people.  But they’s been caught up in what they reckon is the right way to think and live.  Can’t argue with their success on that.  Just look at this house.  And their friends.  ‘Course if’n I can be honest, I don’t cotton to that sorta life.  And I wonder how many of their friends are really friends.”

“What do you mean?” Carolyn asked.

“Back home in Miss’ippi, a friend was one who helped you out when you’s sick or in trouble.  Most ever’body was like that.  If’n yur truck broke down, a neighbor would be right there to help ya fix it.  If’n the crops weren’t no good one year, somebody would share what little they had to fill yur stomach.  That’s what I mean by a real friend.  I ain’t seen ‘nuff to be sure but I ‘spect that Will’s folks don’t have no friends like that.”

“I think you’re more right than wrong on that score,” Carolyn said.  “Let me speculate.  You’ve got a loving family, the kind of people you call a real friend.  Do they know you’re gay?

“Yup.  Told ‘em ‘bout a year ago.  They was upset but their love won the day and we’s getting’ ‘long just fine now.  ‘Course the youngins don’t know.  Just my oldest brother.  He’s sixteen now.  He don’t understand how two men can love each other but he knows it happens sometimes.  Purdy much like y’all ... not whatcha’d choose but okay with it.”

“You’re indeed blessed to have such a family, Billy.  And Will, you’re blessed to have a partner like Billy.”

Just then the conversation was interrupted by Angela walking into the dining room.  “Is there anything else you would like?” she asked.

“No,” Will smiled.  “The meal was quite delicious and filling.”

Angela paused before leaving, trying to decide whether to get involved in her employer’s family matters.  But her affection for Will compelled her to say, “Master Will, I couldn’t help overhearing parts of your conversation with your father yesterday.  I just want you to know that I wish you and Billy all the happiness in the world.”

She turned to leave but Will jumped up and caught her by the arm.  He gave her a big hug and said, “Angela, you don’t know how much your comment means to me.”  Then, using a term from his childhood, he added, “Thanks a gazillion.”

Angela grinned, giggled, and went back to the kitchen.

Will then spoke to his sister.  “Billy and I have decided to return to Ann Arbor sooner than planned.  If we can change our airline reservations, could you take us to the airport?”

“Of course.  But only if you promise to stay in touch with me.  I’m disappointed that we can’t spend more time together but under the circumstances, it’s probably best that you go home.  I’ll keep you posted on Mom and Dad because it’s not likely they will.  One can hope but one has to deal with realities.”

“Thanks, Sis.  I love you.”

To be continued...

Posted:03/23/12