Since You Asked
By: Morris Henderson
(Copyright 2012 by the author)
 

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Not all advice columnists
bother to sugar-coat their answers.

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     I’ve finally found a sex partner and would marry him if our state would permit.  He and I are compatible in every way but one.  He insists on playing heavy metal music when we make love.  I can’t stand it.  There have been times when the noise that passes for music even prevents me from achieving an erection.  Should I tell him to get lost or should I endure the torture of his disgusting taste in music? 

At wit’s end in Cleveland.

Dear Witless,

     I will ignore your narrow-minded refusal to expand your aesthetic pleasure by failing to appreciate the rhythms and tonality of various forms of artistic performance.  Instead, I will ask you in what century you’re living.  If you would prefer Moonlight and Roses to accompany your sexual gratification, then find an old man who is obsessed with the good old days and hope he has what it takes to perform in bed.  If you’re a fan of classical music, convince your lover to let you listen to the Halleluiah chorus from Handel’s Messiah.  Time it right and you’ll climax simultaneously with the emotional crescendo of the final Halleluiah.  I’ve tried it and it was a spectacular orgasm.  Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture may have a similar effect if you synchronize with the cannon fire at the end.  If your partner refuses to let you substitute different music, then he is also aesthetically challenged.  In that case, get yourself an MP3 player and ear buds.  Ask any teenager or Google it if you don’t know what they are, which I suspect you don’t. 

Dr. Smartass 

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     I’m considering opening an adult store to sell videos, magazines, and sex toys.  The prices for this stuff must mean there’s a huge profit margin.  And there are always a lot of men who have spare cash and a need to indulge in sensual pleasure.

     What’s your advice? 

Greg in New Jersey

Dear Greg,

     My advice is simple: DON’T!

     That’s probably not the answer you hoped for and you may want to know why I say that.  First, the profit margin is not as great as it seems (or you’re such a cheapskate that you hate paying for vicarious thrills to jerk off to).  You obviously haven’t considered the cost of inventory, rent, employee wages, and utilities.  Not to mention hush money to the local police and contributions to local politicians’ election campaign.  Second, finding a location for your store is tricky.  If it’s in a city (where customers are) it can trigger a backlash from prudish citizenry.  Out in the boondocks (where customers aren’t) is safer but isolated ... unless you’re next to a heavily traveled highway where the prime locations are already populated by similar, sleazy shops.  Finally, why would you want to compete with more accessible porn on the internet?   Folks can even order their sex toys online nowadays.

     I hope that answers your question but I must give another opinion.  Catering to men (Yes, they’re ALL men.) who are inept or unappealing or both and therefore can’t snag a flesh-and-blood partner is worse than showing reruns of Julia Child’s cooking shows to starving guys who haven’t got the wherewithal to buy as much as a Big Mac.  It only compounds their frustration.

Dr. Smartass

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     I’m 21, gay, and afraid to come out to my parents.  They’re vocally homophobic and active supporters of traditional marriage.  They constantly harass me about not having a girlfriend.   How should I tell them the truth about me? 

Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused

     How big are your cajones, Pal?

     If they’re the size of peanuts, your choice is simple.  Keep your secret and live a life of unfulfilled loneliness while putting up with your parents’ recurrent haranguing about getting married and siring their grandchildren.  DO NOT try to enlighten them about “traditional marriage” as found in the Bible that includes Jacob and his wives, David and his concubines, and stoning brides on their wedding day if they aren’t virgins.  Some religions have implanted a very effective filter in their adherents’ brains so they can conveniently ignore passages that contradict today’s restrictive definition of marriage.  Because of their selective perception they would even refuse to believe that Michelangelo wrote a funeral epigram to Cecchino dei Bracci in 1544:

          The flesh now earth, and here my bones,

          Bereft of handsome eyes, and jaunty air,

          Still loyal are to him I joyed in bed,

          Whom I embraced, in whom my soul now lives.

     If, on the other hand, your cajones are closer to golf ball size, then be honest with your parents and with yourself.  You ask how.  First of all, recognize that your parents—like everyone else—have good and bad traits.  Unless they took you to the woodshed frequently for a lashing on your bare butt or locked you in your room and put you on a starvation diet as punishment for any childish misbehavior, you owe them your unrestrained gratitude and love.  Even Dr. Smartass can’t answer your question because there’s no single answer that works in every situation.  All I can offer is a few general principles.  1. Emphasize your love and gratitude.  2. Affirm your faith that God loves ALL his children.  3. Never allow the erroneous term, “lifestyle choice”, to go unchallenged.  You are what you are and were born that way.  4. Finally, prepare yourself for their emotional outburst but cling to the hope their initial shock will fade as you continue to reassure them of your love for them. 

Dr. Smartass 

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     There’s an item on my bucket list that bothers me.  I’m a 74 year old virgin and want to experience gay sex before the Grim Reaper comes for me or my aging body loses its ability to perform.  At my age how can I hook up with a man?  His age doesn’t matter as long as he’s fit to look at and can give me what I want. 

Desperate in Connecticut

Dear Desperate

     If you remained a virgin for decades because of a compelling concern for family and/or career and were therefore a victim of society’s cruel persecution you have my sympathy.  If, however, your abstinence was due less noble reasons, you’re either an idiot or a coward.

     You have a computer because you sent me an email.  So USE IT!   Enter appropriate keywords in one or more search engines (e.g., Google) and browse through the results to find sites that will put you in touch with others who are looking for the same thing you are.  A word of warning...well two words.

     First, be aware that there are some risks.  The site may want a membership fee.  That’s not bad (There’s no such thing as a free lunch.) unless it’s a disreputable site that will shamelessly take your money and deliver far less than you want.  Worse, they may steal your credit card number.  Free enterprise has its dark side.   Who needs the expensive and emotionally draining hassle of identity theft?

     Second, expect to go through a courtship ritual in which you exchange email, phone calls, and, if both of you are still interested, meeting at a restaurant or other public place with no expectation of sex but for the sole purpose of getting to know one another better.  What follows is up to you.  Either of you can call it off or take it to the next level.  This can take time.  Be cautiously patient.  You’ve waited for decades.  A little more waiting shouldn’t be a problem.

     A final suggestion.  If your patience won’t tolerate the arduous search I’ve just described, perhaps you can find an escort service that will provide you with what you want.  Although most of them supply females to straight men, a few will have men available for those of us who are uniquely gifted.  (I’m aware of an agency operating in Dallas and Houston that is exclusively gay.  Perhaps there are similar services in your area.)  They can be expensive but I have hunch you’re willing to pay the price to take care of a bucket list item even though it’s no more than gratification of primal biological needs without any pretense of companionship and affection. 

Dr. Smartass 

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     My boss at work has expressed to others his disgust at homosexuality so nobody at work knows I’m gay.  Recently, he has made several remarks to me in private about my body and even what’s between my legs.  Believe me; what he says is more than suggestive.  I think he’s hot for me and I’d welcome him into my bed because he’s a hunk.  But he may be trying to trap me so he can fire me and prove to others that degenerate fags are not welcome in the company.  I’m good at my job and love it but I can’t afford to lose it.  What should I do? 

Perplexed in Austin

Dear Perplexed

     Can’t you see the contradiction in what you say?  Where’s your sense of logic?  You say you’re attracted to him in spite of his bigotry.  Spewing venomous hate is NOT a characteristic of anyone who is capable of being a considerate, loving partner.  Rather, it’s evidence of a character flaw from which no good can come.  Sure, it’s true that some men disguise their sexuality by condemning gays but those men are rarely—if ever—willing to actually engage in what they need and want.  Open your eyes to reality, Pal.

     My advice?  DON’T take the bait!  You can ignore or even discourage the apparent advances and hope for a transfer or promotion to escape your predatory boss.  Or you can use jujitsu (martial art tactics that derive power from the attacker’s own momentum).  Gather incontrovertible proof of his interest in your private parts with either a tape recording or a hidden witness.  Then file a sexual harassment suit.  Be warned.  This can get ugly.  His job and your future in the company will be jeopardized.

     My guess is that you will reject the idea of legal action.  If you ignore my advice and encourage a liaison, I can only wish you good luck because you’ll need lots of it. 

Dr. Smartass

P.S.  Be sure to read the next question and reply. 

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     I’m very much attracted to one of my employees and I’m fairly certain he’s gay.  I’ve given him every opening I can think of but he hasn’t shown any interest or taken offense.  What can I do to find out if he’s interested in sex with men and me in particular? 

At a loss in Boston

Dear Loser

     I can’t believe that your question and the preceding one from Perplexed is coincidence.  I CAN believe it’s an infantile joke you’re playing on me.  On the miniscule chance it’s not a joke, I will take the opportunity to say something constructive.

     If you’re NOT Perplexed’s manager, read the preceding question and answer.  Then wrap your mind (crippled though it may be by your lust) around the possible consequences of your actions: a public and painful lawsuit and permanent damage to your career.  It’s a high price to pay for a patently iffy chance for a romp in the hay.

     If you ARE his manager, STOP—now and forever—spewing hate by bashing gays.  It doesn’t make you more masculine or righteous.  And it won’t rid you of your entirely natural attraction to men.  Either say nothing about gays (acceptable) or frequently express tolerance for diversity (preferred).  Over time you’ll be viewed by everyone, including the target of your advances, not as a venomous bigot but as an enlightened person and one whom your employee may accept as a potential (emphasis on potential) partner.  Finally, consider the comment I got from a cab driver while on a business trip to Sarasota.  He offered to hook me up with a chic and mentioned casually that she worked for the same company I did.  I declined.  “Oh,” he said.  “I get it.  Ya don’t dip your pen in the company inkwell.”  A poetic and profound comment, don’t you think?. 

Dr. Smartass 

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     I have a great partner but a big problem.  He refuses to bottom for me but is often a top and enjoys it.  How do I fix his problem so I can enjoy the full range of sexual pleasure? 

Unfulfilled in Miami

Dear M-T

     HIS problem?  Sounds like you BOTH have a problem.  Neither of you is benefiting from both sides of anal coupling.

     I assume you’ve reasoned with him, describing enthusiastically how good it feels.  Perhaps you have pleaded with him to reciprocate.  Don’t you realize that trying to convince him with words will never work if you don’t know the real cause of his refusal?  Are you a board-certified psychiatrist?  If not, abandon all hope of understanding and overcoming his reluctance.

     You might try giving him a vibrating dildo and persuade him to try it out (or tease him into trying it out).  If he refuses, let him watch you use it and see your reaction.  But don’t overplay it or he’ll recognize that you’re faking it.  If he does try it, it’s then a short trip to discarding the dildo and substituting your man shaft.  You do know what a prostate is, where it’s located, and how to stimulate it, don’t you?

    There’s always the Lysistrata Strategy.  You’ve never heard of that?  Why am I not surprised?  Lysistrata is a play by Aristophanes (446-386BC) in which the women of Athens plotted to end the Peloponnesian War by withholding sexual favors as a means of forcing the men to negotiate peace.  Women have been doing that ever since to get their husbands or lovers to grant whatever the women demanded.  You could do the same but  I don’t recommend it because the blowback (no pun intended) is unpredictable and very unpleasant: a nasty argument, hard feelings that leave long-term scars, or even a parting of the ways.

     Those are three options.  Logic hasn’t worked and never will.  Dildo might work but there’s no guarantee.  The Lysistrata Strategy is likely to backfire.  So you’re left with but one choice.  If your partner is worth keeping, learn to accept him as he is.  After all, isn’t that a hallmark of love? 

Dr. Smartass 

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     I agree with much of what you say when answering readers’ questions but any wise counsel is polluted by your arrogance and by your demeaning and condescending remarks.  Why can’t you treat others with the respect you demand of them?  I doubt you’re a real Doctor. 

Disappointed in Denver

Dear Disappointed, et.al.

     You’re not the first touchy-feely, namby-pamby type for whom self-esteem, however unjustified, is a paramount obsession and who doesn’t like my answers.  But yours is the first complaint I dignify with a response.

     Guys who do not or will not think through a problem need to be shocked into recognizing their laziness and/or their undeveloped mental faculties.  My intent is not to demean or condescend but rather to administer a needed dose of tough love.  If you perceive that as arrogance, my friend, it’s your problem and not mine.

     I do not suffer fools gladly.  You’ve probably heard that phrase (now a cliché) first used by Saint Paul in his letter to the people of Corinth [2 Corinthians 11:19].   But have you given any thought to its meaning?  Many have not and use it inappropriately.  G. K. Chesterton’s clarification of the phrase in his book, Everyday Biblical Literacy, concludes: “...folly is the thing which we all find about those with whom we are in intimate contact; and it is the one enduring basis of affection, and even of respect.”

     It is my affection and respect that drives me to help fools in the hope that honest and blunt answers to their questions will somehow cause an awakening of their logical thought. 

A real Dr. Smartass 

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Dear Dr. Smartass

     My 17 year old son claims he’s gay.  I have my doubts.  If he really is, I would be disappointed but can grudgingly accept it.  But I worry about the discrimination and persecution he’ll face.  How can I be sure he’s gay?  And if he is, how can I prepare him for the agony of being an outcast? 

Worried in Topeka

Dear Worried

     You want answers to two questions for the price of one?  You’re probably the kind who buys whatever is marked “buy one get one free” whether you need it or not.  Nevertheless, I will grant you the bargain because you face a situation in common with a lot of parents.

     How can you be sure he’s gay?  YOU can’t.  HE can.  He’s seventeen, on the brink of legal adulthood, and deserves the right to make his own decisions.  Of two things you can be sure.  One.  Since he told you he’s gay, he did so only after years of struggling with his sexual orientation.  Give him credit for that.  And TRUST him.  He’s not a child any more as much as you would like him to remain an adorable youngster and dependent on you for guidance on what to do and what to think.  He’ll soon leave the nest and live his own life.  Which brings me to point two.  The struggle he went through before telling you he’s gay included, without a doubt, consideration of the treatment he might receive from hateful bigots.  His assessment is sure to be more thorough—and more accurate—than your pessimistic viewpoint.  An inescapable fact is that the twenty-first century is not like the twentieth.  Your generation grew up infused with values that were only a few steps beyond Victorian prudishness.  We no longer live in that world.  Your son lives in today’s world and knows better than you what it’s like.

     Finally, since you’re a bargain hunter, I’ll add a third point, on the house.  NEVER stop loving your son.  Your love and support is vital to his navigating the still treacherous path of a gay in a world where the ignorant bigotry of the previous generation is fading but is still a potent weapon of extremists. 

Dr. Smartass 

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Posted: 10/12/12