Looking Back
By: Morris Henderson
(Copyright 2014 by the author)
 

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

It was just after midnight on the first day of 2014.  The warmth of the New Year’s Eve Champaign toasts infused Peter Wilson with a comforting serenity.  It had been an extraordinarily pleasant ten-day holiday visit with his son, Jamie and daughter-in-law, Suzanne.  And meeting his first grandchild, eighteen-month-old Cody was the realization of a dream.  Becoming a grandfather was a source of both pride and happiness.  He consciously suppressed thoughts of the tedious flight home from Seattle to Massachusetts just two days hence.  It would have only dampened his spirits.  Better, he thought, to savor being with his youngest son and the bright and beautiful Suzanne.  But nearing the end of his visit, he would soon be confronted with the unpleasant reality of having to return home.

The three contented adults were comfortably seated in the living room.  Much of their conversation was reflecting on Jamie’s life as he grew from a charming infant to a mature adult.  Breaking the trajectory of the conversation, Peter said, “I retire in two years and I’ve been thinking about how best to enjoy my so-called ‘Golden Years’.  During my visit here I’ve been impressed with the area.  What would you think of my moving here?”  Peter misinterpreted the surprised expressions to his question and feared his idea was unwelcome so he hastened to add, “Not here in your home!  I’d find a condo.  And I wouldn’t intrude in your lives unless invited.”

The gracious Suzanne said, “I think it would be wonderful.  You would be able to see your grandson grow up.  And cheer him as he plays T-Ball or Soccer.  He would love that.  And we would, too.”

Jamie’s reaction was less enthusiastic.  “What about your other children?  Don’t you want to be close to Josh and Juliana?”

“Of course,” Peter replied.  “But Josh is at the Air Force Academy and who knows where he’ll be after that.  And Juliana will soon be going away to college and who knows where she’ll go to graduate school.  I can take every opportunity to visit with them whenever it’s possible.  But for the foreseeable future, neither will have a permanent residence.  When they do, I can reconsider my options.”  Peter reflected on the wording of Jamie’s question and asked his son, “Would you object to my living nearby?  You’ve always been honest with me.  So tell me how you really feel about my idea.”

“It’s a terrific idea.  We’d love to have you closer than two thousand miles away.  And not be limited to talking by Skype occasionally.

“In that case,” Peter said, “I’ll keep the option open for the next two years.”

“Great!” Jamie exclaimed.  “And if you’re as good at grandpa-ing as you were at fathering, Cody will be the luckiest kid in the world.”

“Speaking of Cody,” Suzanne said, “I think I’ll check on him.  He probably needs a fresh diaper.  And, if you don’t mind, I’ll turn in.  You two can go to bed whenever you’re tired or run out of things to talk about ... whichever comes first.”

Peter replied.  “Before you go, let me repeat my thanks for your hospitality.    I’m aware of the extra work I’ve caused and I admire you tolerating me for so long.”

“Poppycock!” she laughed.  “It’s been a pure delight to have you here.  All the nice things Jamie has said about you are true.”

“That’s kind of you,” Peter replied.  “But in the meantime, let’s keep in touch with Skype.  And be sure to include Cody in at least some of the sessions.”

“Really, Dad, we want you to visit as often as you can.  Maybe next time Josh and Juliana can come with you.  I haven’t seen them since our wedding.”

“Almost three years ago.  I’m just glad the timing was right,” Peter mused as he recalled how proud he was of his three children on that festive day.  “Josh left soon afterwards for the Air Force Academy and Juliana started her senior year in High School.  Perhaps you can visit us in Hyannis ... whenever little Cody can travel and you two can schedule the time.  Turning to Suzanne and smiling broadly, he gushed, “You’ve been a charming host, Suzanne.  You’re not only beautiful and vivacious but I admire your talents.”

“Hey,” Jamie interrupted.  “You’re not coming on to my wife, are you?”

Peter laughed and replied, “If I were forty years younger ... and straight ... and if you two were not already married ... I’d try my damnedest to win her affection.”

They all laughed heartily until Suzanne said, “Good night.”

Jamie and his father sat wordlessly for several minutes.  Peter’s thoughts centered on his son’s very good fortune to have married such a bright and beautiful woman and upon the undeniable love they shared.  Jamie, however, was reflecting on his childhood, his two loving and lovable dads, and the many joyful times his parents had provided for him and for his younger brother and sister.  With wisdom born of hindsight, Jamie recognized and appreciated his parents’ strong commitment to the family.  They taught their children to be responsible.  They consistently urged their children, from an early age, to strive to be the best — in school, at sports, in life.  They were dependably available to listen to their children’s concerns and thoughtfully offered advice on how to handle problems not the least of which was being raised by two gay men.

Jamie broke the silence.  “I said this before, Dad, and I’ll keep saying it.  I couldn’t have had better parents than you and Harry.” 

Peter’s mood darkened at the mention of his long-time partner and short-time husband who died unexpectedly from a heart attack just two and a half years ago.  Recognizing his father’s expression, Jamie said, “Sorry, Dad.  I didn’t mean to bring back any painful memories.”

“Quite all right, Son.  Yes, I mourned his passing for a long time but I’ve almost gotten over it.  I miss him.  But death—even premature death—is part of living, isn’t it.  I focus on the blessing of the forty years we had together.  And for the right to marry him as soon as Massachusetts allowed it in oh-three.”

“That was a happy day for all of us,” Jamie said.

“That it was!  Even though Josh and Juliana were unsure how to refer to their new dad.  They were only eight and ten years old and it took a long time before they stopped calling him ‘Harry.’  I remember trying to convince them that he was now their step-father so it would be appropriate to honor him with the title of ‘dad’.

Jamie laughed and said, “Yeah, I had a bit of a problem, too.  I always thought of him as my second dad ... mostly, I suppose because as a free-lance writer he worked from home and was always there when I got home from school with a snack that a fourteen-year-old boy had to have to make it through to dinner.”

“Yes,” Peter laughed.  “And your appetite was awesome!  But Josh surpassed even you as he went through his teens.  Juliana was different.  Maybe because she wasn’t active in sports like you and Josh ... or maybe it’s just a guy thing.”

“Guy thing?” Jamie asked.  “About the only times I’ve heard that phrase it’s about a macho he-man or a guy wanting to take a pretty girl to bed.  But, of course, people who use that phrase are generally straight.  They’d never say that a gay man was doing a ‘guy thing.’”

Both men settled into a reflection on straight versus gay characteristics and behavior.  At length, Peter said, “We’ve had a lot of conversations as you were growing up about gays.  And about having two dads.  And about the bigotry.  And about the abuse you endured for having two dads.  But there’s one thing we’ve never talked about.  You don’t have to answer but I need to ask, “Were you ever tempted to experiment with gay sex?”

Jamie was taken aback by the unexpected turn in the conversation, thought for just a moment or two, and replied, “Yes.  Not only tempted but I had a few ... ah ... interesting encounters.  It was my junior year in high school.  The quarterback on the football team got very friendly with me.  At first I was surprised that he’d even talk to a bench-warmer.  In retrospect, I realize why he did.  Knowing that I had gay parents, he suspected that I would be too.  Toward the end of the football season, he asked if I would help him cram for an algebra test.  I agreed and met him at his house.  After only about thirty minutes of study, his comments grew very suggestive.  At first, I tried to explain them away to myself but it became obvious what he wanted.  I agreed.  Why?  Because I was curious about the things you and Harry did and how it felt.”  Jamie stopped talking, hoping that he wouldn’t have to say any more.

“Thanks for the candor,” Peter said.  “But since you’re married and are obviously deeply in love with Suzanne, I’ll assume that you didn’t find it to your liking.

“Oh, I liked it,” Jamie replied, abandoning his hope that the subject of the conversation would change.  “I liked it enough to have a few more experiences with him.  But as I gave it some serious thought, I realized that it was purely physical gratification.  The only psychological satisfaction was, perhaps, doing something ‘naughty’ and getting away with it.  Significantly, I was still attracted more to girls and knew instinctively that I could only be truly happy married to a woman.”  Jamie paused before adding, “I wanted the love and companionship that you and Harry enjoyed.  That had to be with a wife.  When I told him that, he was very upset.  The breakup was ugly.  He never spoke to me again.”

“For what it’s worth, Son, I’m extraordinarily pleased that you and Suzanne fell in love.  I suppose I’d feel the same way if you were gay and found a loving partner.  But we are what we are and we should celebrate the difference.”

Impulsively, Jamie rose from his chair and hugged his dad while saying, “I love you, Dad.  For all you’ve done for me and for all that you are.”

Peter, normally in tight control of his emotions, began to tear up as he replied, “I love you, too, Son.  And I couldn’t be more proud of the man you’ve become.”

Jamie, after several moments, broke the hug, and returned to his chair.  Both men were lost in their own thoughts for several minutes.  Each had his unique perspective on the father-son relationship and both were grateful that it was so strong and gratifying.

Jamie broke the silence.  “You asked me a question about my sex life.  May I ask you one?”

“Of course.”  Peter grinned and added, “If I have the same option not to answer it.”

“Harry’s been gone for over two years.  Have you thought about having another partner?  You’re still a vigorous, handsome man.  You must have the same needs.”

Peter smiled broadly and said, “As long as it’s confession time, I suppose I can give you an answer.  It took a long time after Harry’s passing but yes, there’s another man in my life.  His name is Jon Barrington.  Do you remember the Portside restaurant in Hyannis?  He owns it.  Harry and I enjoyed a number of meals there and we both got to know Jon.  I’ve been going there more frequently in the last couple of years and Jon has been very friendly ... VERY friendly.  Does that tell you anything?”

“So you two are....”

Peter didn’t respond right away.  It wasn’t because he was hesitant to admit the nature of the bond with Jon but because of a mischievous delight in his son’s apparent reluctance to pry into private affairs.

“If it’s none of my business, Dad...”

“I know I reserved the right not to answer your questions.  But I will.  Jon and I have spent a few wonderful nights together.  He’s no Harry.  I don’t need another live-in partner or another marriage.  He’s a widower and feels the same way.  It’s purely ... what do they call it nowadays?  He’s a ‘friend with benefits.’  We both understand it’s just physical gratification and we’re comfortable with that arrangement.  We also understand that neither of us have abundant time to enjoy ourselves.  He’s fifty and has more time than me but we thoroughly enjoy the time we have together.”

“I’m very happy for you, Dad.”

“You don’t feel I’m betraying Harry or dishonoring his memory?”

“Not at all.  You have the memory of forty-one years together.  I know you treasure those memories.  And I’m quite sure he would be delighted that you’ve found someone else.”

“Matter of fact, we discussed that long before he died.  Each of us encouraged the other to seek companionship should one of us die or become incapacitated.  I was absolutely sure, however, that I wouldn’t try to find what I felt would be a poor replacement for Harry.  I suspect that he was thinking the same way.  Still, each of us had the approval from the other to find a new partner.”

“Do Josh and Juliana know about this?”

“No.  And I don’t expect to tell them.  But if they ask, I’ll be as honest with them as I’ve been with you.  And if you’re concerned, I’ll never mention your escapades with the quarterback.”

Jamie checked his watch.  “It’s well past one o’clock, Dad.  Cody will be awake in a few hours.  Do you mind if we get some shut-eye?”

“Not at all, Son.  But there’s one more thing I must do.  Stand up.”

The request was puzzling but Jamie stood.  Peter seized him in a tight embrace and said, “I love you.  As much as I loved Harry ... but differently, of course.  No dad could have a better son.”

Jamie held his father in a long embrace, saying, “I love you, too, Dad.  And won’t tell Josh that you think I’m better than him.”

Peter broke the hug, punched Jamie playfully in the shoulder, and exclaimed, “Where’s the logic you’re so good at.  I said I couldn’t have a better son than you.  I could say the same to Josh.  You’re BOTH equally superior.  Now let’s go to bed.”

“What’s that mean, Dad?  Are you horney?”

Flustered at the double meaning of his suggestion to go to bed, Peter stuttered, “Yes!  But what I meant was ... Oh, never mind.”

Peter left the room for the guest bedroom, leaving Jamie grinning.

The end

Posted: 01/17/14