PART TWO

 

I was a junior in high school,

and I saw Reggie often,

At times for enjoyable companionship,

As amiable friends,

At other times for my further exploration,

Of gay sex,

As passionate partners,

In lust-driven gratification,

Of primal urges.

It started as an experiment,

To learn,

To understand what gay sex was like,

To investigate.

What did my dads enjoy,

In private. intimate activities?

Sexual encounters with Reggie transformed,

From discovery of the unknown,

To pleasurable events,

To be eagerly anticipated,

To be impatiently awaited,

And to be enthusiastically welcomed.

I continued dating girls.

My dads approved.

In fact. they were pleased.

I asked them why.

You won’t be a target, they said.

I didn’t understand.

They explained:

Bigots hate gays,

Bigots attack gays,

With insults,

With sanctimonious condemnation,

With hate born of ignorance,

Or of self-righteous arrogance.

As a gay. you’re prey.

For their blood-thirsty egos,

You’re a target,

For the poisonous arrows in their quiver.

So we’re happy you’re straight,

And won’t have to suffer.

I see. I said.

Have you suffered? I asked.

Yes...but not as much as other gays,

Because we’re discrete,

You’d call it being in the closet.

It’s dishonest but it evades persecution,

Sadly. you’ve suffered,

Others taunt you about us,

Even if it’s only suspicion,

And conjecture,

And unjustified speculation.

They assault you with their hatred,

We’re deeply sorry for that.

Not to worry. I said,

I followed your advice,

I learned to control feelings,

To ignore the venom they spew.

Gradually. the bigots relented,

They realized they can’t hurt me,

With their insults,

And abuse.

They’re impotent,

But they’d never admit it.

What I said was true.

But fate dealt a blow to my defenses,

To my resolve to ignore their malice.

I was on the school bus,

When two seniors taunted me,

They accused my dads of molestation.

Which father fucks you? They asked.

Or do they take turns?

That was the lowest of blows.

I responded with rage,

To defend the dads I loved,

I was shouting,

They laughed,

And continued their barrage of trash talk.

The bus driver stopped the bus,

He came back to quell the argument,

And take names.

The bigots fell silent,

As did I,

But I was seething inside,

I forgot to own my feelings.

The bus driver resumed his route,

But must have reported the incident,

The two seniors were suspended,

As was I.

I explained my infraction:

I was defending my dads.

It didn’t matter,

Policy mandates suspension,

Bureaucracy allows no deviation,

Rigid rules reign supreme.

I told my dads,

The what and the why.

I was always comfortable telling them,

Of my actions,

My feelings,

And my opinions.

This was different,

I’d violated a rule,

And was being punished,

They had a right to know,

They empathized,

Which was typical for them.

They were proud,

That I confronted bigotry,

Head on,

Forcefully,

Courageously.

But they were saddened,

That their relationship caused me pain.

They apologized,

For subjecting me to collateral damage.

I don’t mind. I said,

I’d do it again,

Because I love you both,

You don’t deserve to be hated,

Even if the hate is channeled through me.

They hugged me.

Transporting me into a cloud of love.

They offered to protest my suspension.

I rejected the idea,

Emphatically,

Insisting that I made a mistake,

And would pay the price.

They said that made them proud,

Were they diplomatic?

Or honest?

Abundant experience gave me the answer:

Honest!

Afterwards, the goons that harassed me,

Ignored me,

Or avoided me.

I figured they were scared,

Of more punishment,

If they bothered me again.

I was glad for that;

I wouldn’t have to defend my dads again.

But the incident’s repercussions continued.

It was mentioned at a School Board meeting,

In the context of bullying.

An extremist pastor was in the audience.

He saw it as an opportunity,

To reinvigorate his campaign,

To purge the schools of homosexuals.

He ranted and railed in his next sermon,

Angrily,

Bitterly,

Hatefully,

Against the homosexuality,

That was rampant in schools.

He urged protests,

Letters to the school board,

And to newspapers.

He demanded that the schools expel sinners,

Until they can be cured, of their sickness,

Or repent from their evil behavior.

Start, he insisted, with the homosexual,

Involved in the fight on the school bus.

Verifiable facts didn’t matter.

Homosexuality was not rampant in school;

It cannot be cured,

By prayer or psychotherapy;

The argument on the school bus,

Was not a fight,

Nor did it involve a homosexual (me).

But the congregation was incensed,

Overcome with righteous indignation,

That bordered on or became,

HATRED!

They had been manipulated,

By the minister’s charisma,

And authority,

As a “man of God.”

There was an outbreak of protest,

On radio talk shows,

On television newscasts,

In letters to the editor of the newspaper,

By a crowd (mob?) of protestors,

At the schools,

And the courthouse.

Fortunately, the storm soon weakened,

When the school board responded,

By saying religion has no place in school,

And bullying will be detected,

And corrected.

Government leaders urged:

Calm,

Reason,

And tolerance.

Unfortunately, gays were intimidated,

By the vocal homophobes,

And were driven to despair,

Over being victims of bigotry,

Forced to hide or deny,

Their fundamental nature,

To avoid persecution.

My dads and I discussed it often,

And in depth.

I was grateful for their insight,

And empathy,

And wisdom,

They suggested how I might cope,

With being known,

(at least by friends at school),

As the suspected homosexual,

Who argued on the bus.

I treasured being able to talk to them,

About anything and everything,

...except one thing that troubled me,

One secret I didn’t dare disclose,

Even to my dads,

Who loved me,

And whom I loved,

And always seemed to understand,

And were always willing to help.

 

I continued dating girls,

Partly because I enjoyed it,

Mostly to maintain my image,

As a thoroughly straight guy,

The son of two gay dads.

Janet was my favorite,

She was bright,

Fun-loving,

And very attractive.

We became known as “steadies,”

As in “couple,”

She and I never discussed it,

It was just assumed,

That we would go together,

To dances,

To movies,

And parties.

I continued seeing Reggie,

Usually after school,

Before my dads came home.

We took advantage of those times,

To kiss,

To suck,

To fuck,

And to cuddle together,

Blissfully,

Our naked bodies entwined,

Luxuriating in togetherness,

Companionship,

Contentment,

And (dare I say it?) affection.

When with Reggie, I was in a sphere,

An infinite sphere,

Whose center was everywhere,

And circumference was nowhere,

It was boundless bliss.

We were not two bodies,

Two minds,

Two souls,

But one entity.

The outside world faded,

And disappeared,

While we were together.

Was it love?

What IS love?

I was intimate with Janet,

Kissing,

Petting,

Penetrating her love canal,

But only with my finger.

She was responsive,

Fondling my crotch,

Finding my cock,

My hard cock,

That begged for relief.

She asked me to go to bed with her.

I agreed.

We planned how and when.

We left a dance early,

Got in my car,

To take her home.

Instead, I drove to a State Park,

In a canyon,

With a secluded clearing,

Out of sight of the road.

I parked.

We were both horny,

So wasted no time,

Getting to the back seat,

Undressing,

And putting on a condom,

Over my hard, eager cock.

We kissed,

Explored each other’s bodies,

And fucked.

She freely gave me her virginity,

Thinking that I gave her mine,

And perhaps, to be technical,

I did — since I’d never fucked a girl.

It was MAGNIFICENT!

Later, I would wonder:

Was it because it was merely sex?

Physical gratification?

What emotions were involved?

Was there an element of love?

I liked Janet,

But I also liked Reggie.

Were the feelings comparable?

Were they identical?

I tried to compare:

Being with Reggie, Which was wonderful,

And being with Janet, Was also wonderful.

Which was better?

I couldn’t decide.

Oddly, I remembered something:

When I was little boy,

Dad offered me a candy bar.

I could only have one,

A Milky Way,

Or an Almond Joy.

I liked them both,

I wanted both,

But could have only one,

Because I couldn’t decide,

I got neither.

One thing seemed clear:

I could not be true to Reggie,

And to Janet,

At the same time,

Because fidelity was important.

I would worry about that for days,

Without solving my dilemma.

Confused,

Frustrated,

Worried,

And desperate,

I worked up my courage,

To seek advice from my dads.

They always understood,

They were always helpful,

But this was a problem like no other.

After dinner one night,

I asked if we could talk.

Sure, son, they both said,

But asked how long it would take,

Because they’d planned on going to a movie.

Another time, then, I said,

Unintentionally showing disappointment.

The movie can wait, Steve said.

What’s troubling you? My first dad asked,

You’ve been in a funk for a while,

I figured you’d say why,

When you were ready,

Seems like now is the time.

This is tough, I began,

But I’ve always been honest with you,

And I have to be honest now.

Reggie and I have been...

Well...intimate,

When you weren’t home.

We knew that, my first dad said,

With no hint of disapproval.

Burdened by my immediate problem,

I didn’t ask how they knew.

Instead, I forged ahead,

With the script I had planned.

That’s not all, I continued,

I’ve also been intimate with Janet,

And don’t worry,

I took precautions.

I like them both...a lot,

But I have to choose.

How can I give up one,

To be with the other?

Will it be Reggie?

Am I gay?

Or will it be Janet?

Am I straight?

I just don’t know what to think,

My mind is all fucked up.

SORRY!

My mind is all messed up.

What should I do?

They didn’t answer my question,

They said they couldn’t,

And wouldn’t,

Because I had to decide,

On my own,

And own the decision.

We talked for almost two hours,

Which was not wasted time.

They empathized,

As I knew they would.

I also knew they’d support me,

In whatever decision I made.

I respected them for that,

I loved them for that,

I was lucky to have two dads,

Who were perfect parents.

They wouldn’t tell me what to do,

Although part of me wished they would,

But I knew I asked too much.

I wasn’t a child anymore,

I was grown,

And had to take responsibility,

For my actions.

I knew that,

They knew that,

But we continued talking.

About consequences.

We talked about a gay’s life:

Persecution...Discrimination...Bigotry,

Courage to be what we are,

And satisfaction in meeting basic needs,

That transcend physical sex,

That must include love,

Commitment,

Fidelity,

Sacrifice,

Compassion,

We talked about a straight’s life:

Acceptance and respect of others,

Commitment,

Fidelity,

Sacrifice,

 Compassion,

Subduing latent gay yearnings,

Joy and pride in having children.

And an absolute necessity,

For whatever my decision might be:

Genuine love,

That demands constant nurturing.

I didn’t have a solution to my dilemma,

But I did receive one piece of advice:

You don’t have to decide right now,

Or tomorrow,

Or next week.

You have time,

As much time as you need,

To thoroughly evaluate your options,

The benefits,

And the risks.

 

I continued dating Janet,

And continued fucking her,

Whenever I got a chance.

I continued seeing Reggie,

To engage in erotic sex,

Whenever I got the chance.

I was getting plenty of sex,

The best of both worlds.

I was fond of Janet,

I was fond of Reggie,

I eagerly anticipated seeing each of them,

For the sex, of course,

But also for the companionship,

They were a delight to spend time with,

Talking,

Joking,

Having fun.

Others would say,

And did say,

You and Janet are made for each other!

A few would comment,

It’s nice of you,

To be good friends with a gay boy.

Others, however, taunted me,

About Reggie,

About my possibly being gay.

Why do you hang with a queer, they’d ask.

I resisted challenging their condemnation,

Their bigotry,

Their ignorance.

I responded with restraint,

Why not?  I fired back,

He’s a nice guy,

Who happens to be gay,

What’s the big deal?

My implied tolerance had no effect,

They hated gays,

Hate is immune to logic.

My dads liked Janet,

And liked Reggie,

But understood my dilemma.

I know they felt my pain,

The awesome pain of having to choose,

But they didn’t ... couldn’t ... appreciate it fully,

Because it was tearing me apart,

As if I was being drawn and quartered.

How could I give up one of them?

I loved them both.

YES!

I loved them both!

Neither of my loves knew about the other,

Although Reggie surely suspected,

Because I dated Janet.

He never asked,

But I knew he knew,

And didn’t object.

Janet thought Reggie was a friend,

My best friend,

With whom I would never have sex.

To her, I was completely straight,

Normal,

And true to her.

I was tormented with guilt,

I was a cad,

Dishonest,

Unscrupulous.

When with Janet I was cheating,

On Reggie whom I loved.

When with Reggie I was cheating,

On Janet whom I loved.

It was intolerable.

I HAD TO CHOOSE!

And risk hurting one,

One who was dear to me,

One who brought me joy,

One whom I loved.

The quandary had no acceptable solution.

One thing was urgently obvious:

I couldn’t live as two people,

With dual personalities.

I was approaching schizophrenia!

The resolution came unexpectedly,

Giving me relief,

But causing me sorrow.

Reggie and I remained friends,

But largely due to his efforts,

To greet me in school,

To call me,

Or visit me at home,

And to ask how I was.

Clearly, he was concerned,

Because he still liked me,

But only as a FRIEND,

And perhaps he felt guilty,

For causing me pain.

I misread his friendliness,

And hinted that we get together again.

His response was immediate,

And unambiguous.

Don’t go there! he said,

I’d like to,

But it’s not a good idea,

It would never work out between us,

Let’s just be friends.  Okay?

Meanwhile, I continued to see Janet,

On dates,

Hanging out together,

And in bed whenever we could.

It became a serious relationship.

Janet confirmed her suspicion,

That my dads were gay,

When she saw them kissing,

During an unguarded moment,

As she put on her coat,

To leave my house.

Later, she told me what she saw,

And asked a question,

Although she already knew the answer.

Yes, I answered,

They’re gay,

And deeply in love.

Does that upset you?

No, she replied.

I believed her.

Her sincerity was not in doubt,

Nor was her honesty,

Which was one of the reasons I loved her.

 

After graduation, I got a job,

In my uncle’s hardware store,

Fifty miles from home,

And an apartment, above the store.

Janet soon moved in with me,

We couldn’t stand being separated,

And were married six months later,

In a simple ceremony,

With no reception,

Reggie was my best man.

Reggie!

I thought of him a lot,

With fond memories,

Of the times we shared,

But never when I was in bed with Janet,

Making passionate love,

And the infinite sphere engulfed me,

As it had with Reggie,

When I loved him,

And thought he loved me.

I also thought of the tumult,

That overwhelmed me,

When I was torn between,

Reggie,

And Janet,

Between being gay,

Or straight.

Did I still long for male companionship,

And intimacy?

Yes!

But my yearning was superseded by the joy,

Of being the husband of a goddess,

Whose incorruptible character,

Sunny personality,

And ceaseless love,

Kept me in awe,

And asking myself why?

How did I deserve such a companion?

 

Two years later, I was store manager,

Because my uncle went into semi-retirement.

My first child was born soon thereafter,

A girl,

A precious bundle from heaven,

Who won my heart instantly,

And in perpetuity.

She was the first of three children,

And I loved them all,

Was proud of them all,

And tried to be as good,

As my dads had been to me.

My dads became granddads,

Who doted on my children,

Lavished affection on them,

And (I think) envied me,

Because of my children,

Although they never admitted it.

Over the years, I had opportunities,

Or could have created them,

To philander,

With both women and gay men,

But I resisted temptation.

I was constrained,

Quite willingly,

Like an obedient dog on a leash,

Or a horse to the reign.

I held an unyielding belief in fidelity,

That matured as a teen,

Struggling with the conflict,

Of choosing between two loves:

Janet or Reggie,

I could not — would never — betray my wife,

And cause her pain.

Still, I wondered and worried:

Should Janet ever leave me,

Alone,

With a void in my life,

Through divorce,

Terminal illness,

Or fatal accident,

What would I do?

Grieve, of course,

But carry on.

How?

Would I, like my first dad,

Seek companionship of a man?

Could I experience the love I felt for Reggie?

Could I find happiness,

As did my dad,

In a gay partnership?

Questions I cannot answer,

Not now,

Maybe never.

The future is unpredictable,

Fate is fickle,

We can control only the present,

And resolve to make the best of it,

By relishing the beauty around us,

Being grateful for good fortune,

And not letting the darkness in the world,

Blind us to the light.

I will put away these scribblings,

In a safe place,

To be discovered when I’m gone,

And to let those I leave behind,

Know that there was a ME inside,

That wasn’t obvious from the outside,

And to remind them,

That the visible shell of a person,

Conceals the whole of a person,

That may often be flawed,

But more often decent,

And worthy of respect.

Perhaps they’ll be less inclined,

To be intolerant of others,

Based on appearances,

Or beliefs,

Or minority status,