I remember seeing white flashes. I don’t know how many times I saw them, but they would only last for a few seconds and then my world would go black again. At first I thought they were glimpses of heaven, I wondered whether that was where I was headed, and as a result I wondered what it would be like. But more than anything else, I wondered why I was going to heaven.

When I finally woke up, I didn’t feel any pain, but I couldn’t move my head or neck. It didn’t take me long to realize I was in a hospital. I could tell by the whiteness. I mean everything around me, or at least that I could see was white. It was actually surprisingly relaxing. But as I lay there I wondered how long I had been there, and I wondered how long I would have to stay there.

I was about to call out for someone, when I heard a male voice.

“Hey there, you’re awake.”

A young male nurse came into my view, as he leaned over me to do something to my monitor. “Hi.” I tried to speak, but it came out as more of a gasp. The nurse looked down at me when I tried to talk, and then walked out of my vision. When he returned he put a small cup to my lips and gently poured. I swallowed the water, like it was my life juice.

Once I had drained the cup, the nurse put it down. This time when I tried to speak it came out as it was designed. “Where am I?” Even though I knew I was in a hospital I wanted more information. I was starting to have small flashbacks of what had happened. I remembered a pain in my chest, and I thought I remembered falling. But that was all, so far.

The nurse adjusted something on my bed, and I could feel the end of my bed rising slightly.

“You’re in Adelaide Regional Hospital. My name is Doctor Jennings. You had quite an adventure didn’t you?”

I was still struggling to remember what had happened. The doctor mentioning I was in Adelaide helped; I remembered being at the Adelaide state library when I fell.

I looked at the doctor, and then I tried to look around, but I still couldn’t move my neck. I panicked, I thought that maybe I had broken it. The guy must have seen what I tried to do and my panic because he smiled as he explained.

“You damaged your collarbone. We had to perform surgery on it. Then we had to sandbag your shoulders so you wouldn’t move it in your sleep.”

I understood a little bit about medicine so I knew what he was talking about. But the way he was talking forced me to ask the question. “How long have I been in here for?”

I saw the doctor frown at me as he paused what he was doing. He had been removing the sandbags, giving me a bit more freedom to move and boy, did it ever feel good. Once they were gone I moved my head a little bit to look around the room.

I didn’t really see anything of interest; it was just good to have the freedom again.

“Just be careful; don’t move your neck or head too fast, they’re still healing. Jason, you’ve been in here for just over two weeks. At first we weren’t sure you were going to make it, but you will be fine … just need a few more weeks and you’ll be almost as good as new.”

I went through several emotions when I heard this. Shock at how long I had been out for, fear at the fact I had almost died. I couldn’t believe it, but I still couldn’t remember everything that had happened. It was coming back to me slowly. But I was brought back to reality when the doctor said to me, “I know there are a few people who can’t wait to see you; is it all right if I send them in.”

I was surprised, and just a little worried, but the doctor assured me that it was okay. So eventually, I agreed and he ducked out into the hall. I was wondering who it could be. The doctor had closed the door on his way out, and then there was a light knock. I thought it strange, but I called out for whoever it was to come in, and got the biggest surprise of my life.

I hadn’t seen or talked to my parents since before I met Joel. And to see them standing in the doorway to my hospital room, looking scared to death, caused me to break down in tears. My mother saw this and raced to the side of my bed and tried to hug me as best as she could considering the position I was in. I realized that my arms were strapped to the bed, I wondered about this, but then I just didn’t care, because my parents were there.

My father was standing just inside the room. I could tell he wasn’t sure about the situation, but I let him be.

“Jason, we’ve been so worried about you. It’s so good to see you awake.” She kissed me like a thousand times on the cheek.

Normally I would have protested but today was different. I looked at her and she looked so different to the last time I had seen her; she seemed so much happier.

My parents and I have almost always gotten along; sure I occasionally did the wrong thing, and I would get into trouble, but for the most part I was a good kid. Until, that is, they found out my big secret. I was gay. Dad flipped, Mum was upset, but she handled it a lot better than Dad did. Then one day, about a month before I met Joel, Dad came home to find me and the neighbor having hot sex. He threw me out.

I still held slight resentment towards him for that, but I guess I could understand his point of view. So now I decided to just see what happened. Dad just stood there looking at me and I could see that there was a massive inner struggle going on. Mum broke me from my thoughts.

“Jason, we are so proud of what you did; I mean, at first we thought you were insane.”

I was still looking at Dad, and was surprised to see him nod several times while Mum was explaining.

“Even when we got the call that you were in the hospital, we flew over, but we weren’t sure what had happened. But then when we got over here, Joel, and Detective Myles told us everything. At first we couldn’t believe it, I mean it was so incredible, but we just want you to know we are so proud of you.”

Mum hugged me again, but my mind was somewhere else. She had mentioned Joel, and it managed to trigger my memory. My mind started racing with the memories of everything that had happened over that incredible week. From finding Joel, to fleeing the state, to finding out about Joel’s past, to arriving in Adelaide and having the meeting at the library with Nathan, and finally the confrontation with John. And I realized why I was in the hospital. I had been shot, and had fallen over the ledge.

I was lucky to be alive. But now I was worried about something else. “Where’s Joel? What happened to him? Is he okay?” I fired off the questions so quickly that it startled my parents. My Mum looked so sad suddenly, that in the pit of my stomach I knew what she was going to say, and I started to cry again. Why had it been him and not me. I felt like diving under the covers and sleeping until I was dead.

All these emotions overtook me in a matter of seconds and when Mum realized what I was thinking she quickly placed an arm around my shoulders and said, “Hey, Joel is fine. He wanted to see you before he left but he had to go. Jason, that kid is really something. He thinks you are a god, because you saved his life. But he waited for two weeks, but then he had no choice.”

I was so relieved that it took a while for her words to sink in. Then I frowned as I asked. “Gone where? Back to Perth? What about John…?"

I was interrupted by the nurse coming back in. He appeared to be holding something behind his back. Mum didn’t see him as she explained. “Jason, Nathan found out that Joel’s Mum never actually died; she thought he was dead. She is in Bali. Joel is leaving on a plane as we speak to go back home.”

I was numb. I couldn’t move I couldn’t breathe. Joel’s Mum was alive. Joel was going back to Bali to see her. I should have been happy. I really should have. But I felt sadness, I know it was selfish, but I wanted to see him again. The nurse coughed.

“Jason, there’s someone on the phone who really wants to talk to you.”

I thought it was probably Liam. It would be good to talk to him, but I was still feeling sad as I waited for the bindings to be taken off my arms so I could hold the phone.

Once I was released the nurse indicated to my parents that it would be better if they were outside while I was on the phone. They were reluctant, but they eventually agreed. I rubbed my wrists where the bindings had been, and then I raised the phone to my ear and tried to sound enthusiastic as I said “Hello.” I wasn’t expecting what I was about to hear.

The response was excited, happy, and a million things at once. All emotions I felt as soon as it came. “JASON you’re awake; you’re okay.” He yelled my name loud enough to burst my ear drum but I didn’t care. I could tell that he was or he had been recently crying. And when I heard his voice I started up again as well. I didn’t respond for a long time, as I just let the moment sit.

Finally I got my voice back as I said as calmly as I could. “Oh, my God, Joel…” I didn’t know what else to say. I just wanted to hug him more then anything else in the world. I just wanted to kiss him like he’d never been kissed before. But more than anything else, I just wanted to see him. To see that he was okay, and that the hard work we'd gone through had all been worth it.

While I didn’t know what to say, Joel didn’t seem to be having the same problem.

“Jason, I so wanted to see you when you woke up. I was at the hospital the whole time since we left the library. I wanted to be the first face you saw when you woke up. I was so scared that you never would. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t of. I miss you already.”

I tilted my head back against the pillows as I tried to think of the right thing to say. I said the only thing that came to me and I tried to mean it. “Yeah, I miss you, too, babe, but you’re going to see your Mum. I mean … doesn’t that feel great! I mean after everything that has happened; I’m just so glad that you’re okay, and you get to go home.”

I said it with so much emotion, that I was sure that I meant it. Despite the fact that deep down I wanted him to come back. Even if it was only for a short time to say goodbye. But what he said next, made me realize just how selfish I was being.

“Yeah, I can’t believe it; I mean when Nathan told me, I thought he was lying, but that cunt, John, lied to me. He lied to us all along. If he wasn’t already dead I'd want to kill him.”

I now knew what had happened to John; I figured Nathan must have killed him after he shot me. I was relieved, but Joel had a point.

“Yeah, he did. I’m glad you found out though, because your Mum must be dying to see you.” I realized the bad choice of words. But Joel didn’t comment.

“Jason, there is one other lie he told me, and it may sound mean, but I’m happier about this one.”

I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but I knew it must be good.

“John gave Tyler to Dennis, when he couldn’t handle both of us.” It took a long time for the meaning of those words to fully sink in, but when they did, I felt like screaming with happiness.

“You mean Tyler isn’t dead?” I had to ask the question, to make sure that I hadn’t misunderstood.

Joel couldn’t keep the happiness out of his voice as he explained. “Nope, Tyler is, in fact, sitting right next to me as we speak. Nathan found him and brought him back to me. Hey, Jason, I was wrong about Nathan. He’s a great guy. I told Mum all about you; she wants to meet you to thank you.”

Tears were freely flowing down my face by this stage.

I wiped at the tears. But then didn’t bother as I said, “Tell her, 'anytime.' And that means you, too.” I didn’t know whether he would understand what I meant by that.

But I needn’t have worried as he said, “You better believe it; she said she'll even pay for your ticket.” I was more then slightly surprised by this, but it was definitely a pleasant surprise.

I heard a voice over a loudspeaker system in the background, while I wasn’t sure what it had said, I expected the next bit.

“Look, Jason, we’ve got to go. Our plane was delayed, but it's boarding now. Get well really quickly, okay. Then you can come and see us. I know Tyler wants to meet you as well.”

I wanted to say so many different things. I wanted to tell him so much.

But when it all came down to it, there was only one thing I could say. “Joel, I love you. Make sure you and Tyler get there safely.” Then I stopped, because I was crying too hard to say anything more.

Joel spoke quickly before he hung up. “Jason, I love you, too. Thank you for everything; you saved my life. I love you.”

Then the line went dead, and my heart shattered with it.

The End.