Running Scared

I didn’t know what to expect when I awoke the next morning.

The past forty-eight hours had seemed almost like a dream. I almost half expected to wake up to find it was just that—a dream. But when I did wake up I found myself in Liam's spare bedroom, and I was sure that it hadn’t been a dream. I wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or not.

I looked across the room to the other bed; I saw that Joel was still asleep; he seemed peaceful, as though he didn’t have a care in the world. I wondered whether he was having a nice dream, I felt my heart break a little more as I remembered where I had found him, and realised that chances were, they weren’t nice dreams. But as I watched him I felt something stir inside of me, not for the first time, so I decided it was time for me to get up.

I slid out of bed and put my shirt on, and then I made my way to the bedroom door, slowly, trying not to wake the other boy. I could hear Liam moving about in the kitchen; I was pretty sure I could smell coffee brewing, and the smell awoke a slight worry in me. When we had arrived the night before, I had expected Liam to want to talk immediately, but instead he had sent Joel and me to bed, saying we would talk in the morning.

Now when I opened the bedroom door, and stepped into the kitchen, I wasn’t at all sure of what I should expect. Liam saw me as I closed the door, and he walked towards me; he handed me a fresh cup of coffee and then he pointed towards the table, I took a seat as he did also. Then we both sat in silence for several long moments, just sipping our coffee.

I couldn’t figure out why, but the silence was making me nervous. I had always looked up to Liam; he had almost been like a god to me when I was younger, even though he was only two years older then me. He had helped me get through a lot. And so I hated to disappoint him, and this silence was making me feel as though I had. As we sat there still in silence, I quietly prayed for him not to be angry.

After what seemed like an eternity, Liam finally looked up at me and said in a flat voice. “Okay, I’m going to love this, I can tell … why’d you do it?” The question was so direct, it took me slightly by surprise.

But I looked straight back at him and said, “Why’d I do it? I did it because I had to.”

Liam went silent for a few seconds and a thought suddenly occurred to me. How much did he know? How much was the news telling.

The thought hadn’t occurred to me until that moment, but I wondered what the guy I had stabbed had said to the cops.

Liam looked slightly sad as he asked, “Because you had to? Why did you have to?”

Again the question was slightly strange to me. But I knew I couldn’t lie to him. And I knew I had to make him understand. “Because, Liam, I don’t know if you know, but the guy had a gun to the kid's head, and I thought he was going to shoot him.”

Liam didn’t even flinch, and I realised that he already knew that. The realization shocked me more then a little bit, and I was sure that once Liam had heard that, he would be on my side. But apparently not. I could only sit there in silence as I tried to think of how I was going to tackle this.

Again, Liam was the first to speak as he stated plainly, “Yeah, I know, but that still doesn’t explain why you felt that it meant you had to intervene.”

I was becoming frustrated. I was desperate for him to understand, but no matter what I seemed to say, Liam was determined to believe I did the wrong thing. So I thought I had one last chance to convince him. “Come on Liam, put yourself in my shoes. I was walking down the street minding my own business, and I saw a guy holding a gun to a kid’s head. Fuck! I mean the kid's only fourteen. What was I supposed to do? Pretend I didn’t see anything?”

Liam seemed to think about that for a little while, and I thought I had finally convinced him. But then he frowned and said. “No, I wouldn’t have ignored it, but I would have asked what was going on.”

I was now certain that I had convinced him, but I sighed to myself and said, “I did ask, and the guy told me to bugger off. I knew something wasn’t right, so I knew I couldn’t leave.”

Again Liam seemed to consider this. He definitely seemed to understand me now. Or so I thought. “Okay, that sounds fair enough, but man, that being said, maybe you should have listened when he told you to bugger off, I mean why was it any of you’re business? I mean … has the kid told you why he was there in the first place? And why was the cop holding a gun to his head in the second place?”

I started to respond. “Yeah. He said that the guy was—Wait, what did you just say?” I was certain that I had heard him wrong. Surely he hadn’t just said what I thought he did.

Liam looked at me strangely for a few moments, before he realised that I was for real, and then he almost laughed as he said, “Holy shit! He didn’t tell you. The guy you stabbed was a copper.”

I’m not sure which one happened first -- my blood turning to ice or me losing my breath. But within seconds, none of it mattered because I saw red; actually that’s a lie. I saw white, pure white. It was pure white-hot anger I felt. I felt betrayed, I felt hurt, but most of all, I felt fear. I had thought I had stabbed some arsehole, who was trying to off a kid; I thought I was doing the right thing, but truth be told, I had been duped by some juvenile delinquent.

I couldn’t think straight as I stood up and threw the chair back. Startled, Liam glared at me. The chair fell loudly to the floor as I shoved it back, but I didn’t bend to pick it up. I left it as I stormed across the hallway to the bedroom door that I had only walked through, not fifteen minutes ago. I threw the door open to see that Joel was still sleeping soundly. But not for long.

I crossed the room in only two strides and I yanked back the covers. Joel must have felt the sudden breeze because he began to stir, but that wasn’t enough for me. I grabbed his shoulder and began to shake him awake. I was pissed! As soon as I shook him, Joel’s eyes opened in a flurry. He looked up at me terrified, and when I stopped shaking him, I still had a firm grip on his arm.

Joel's expression toward me would normally have melted me, but I was way too far gone to care at the moment. “You fucking lied to me.” I didn’t yell, but, boy! was I mad at him for having deceived me!

Joel didn’t respond for a minute, but then he stammered, “I didn’t lie to you. What are you talking about?”

I felt like punching him, I honestly did. I felt so betrayed. But instead, I just yelled at him. “Look! You’re lying again. When were you going to tell me he was a cop?”

Joel’s face suddenly changed. He realised what I had found out, and I could see that it terrified him. “Jason—"

But he had nothing and he knew it, and so did I. I suddenly felt tired. I didn’t know what to do or say next. I looked at Joel, and then I looked over my shoulder at Liam who was standing in the doorway; he could only shrug his shoulders. Finally, I sighed as I stood up and backed away from Joel and the bed.

I realised what I had to do, as much as I didn’t want to do it. “Joel … stay here.”

The boy again looked at me terrified as he asked. “But, where are you going?”

I sighed as I picked up my shoes and moved to put them on. “I’m going to the cop shop.” Even Liam gasped when I said this.

Joel looked as though he were going to cry. He crawled off the bed and said, “Please don’t go to the cops.”

I had finished putting on my shoes and turned for the door as I said, “You’ve given me no other choice. They’re hunting for me.”

Joel moved away from the bed and crawled towards a backpack that he had brought with him. He looked up at me pleadingly. “Please, I’m begging you. I'll do anything; just don’t go there.”

I sighed. The look on his face was so sad and terrified. But I knew what I had to do.

Joel seemed to have found what he had been looking for in the pack and he pulled out a folder. I was getting a little angry at him again as I said, “What am I supposed to do? I tried to help you, and now because of that, the cops are looking for me, because they think I tried to kill a cop.” I ran my hand through my hair.

What Joel said next completely shocked me and nearly pushed me over the edge. “I’ll go. Don’t go to the cops. I’ll leave.”

I lost all the self-control I had left. I raged. “You will not fucking leave. You will stay here so that when the cops come, you can tell them what a terrible person I’ve been. And how badly I’ve treated you. You can say how I forced you to get into the car.” I was now crying. The last two days had just been too much for me. I again started for the door.

“Is that what you think I’m going to do, Jason? Fuck you! I’m leaving.” Joel threw the folder that he had been holding at me. It bounced off my arm and fell to the floor. I ignored it as I grabbed his arm as he tried to pass me. I was so furious, that I didn’t hear Liam gasp behind me. “I said you will fucking stay here. It's bad enough that they think I tried to kill a cop—”

Liam said my name but I ignored him.

“I don’t need them thinking I hurt you as well. You’ll—”

Again Liam tried to get my attention. But again I ignored him. I was determined to say what I wanted to say. “You’ll get your chance to tell them all of the horrible things I’ve made you do and—”

This time Liam grabbed my arm as he called my name. I turned on him and yelled, “WHAT?” Before I got a chance to see the look on his face. But when I did, I instantly knew I had done something wrong.

I'd seen some weird looks on Liam’s face before. But this was different. It was a mixture of disgust and pity. I saw where his eyes were looking, and I instantly knew what he was looking at. He mouthed. “Look down.” But I was already lowering my eyes. My eyes fell on the folder that had bounced off of me and fallen to the floor, and I gasped. I placed a hand over my mouth, and whispered. “Oh … my … God!”

It took several moments for me to fully comprehend what I was looking at. But when it did, all anger instantly evaporated. The folder, which had opened on its way down, and had spilled some of its contents so that they were now visible, contents that contained amongst several documents and three photos. These photos were now on display, and they shocked me dead in my tracks.

The photos were of two boys, one easily recognizable as Joel, being molested by a man, again easily recognizable, as the guy from the alleyway, the man I had stabbed, the cop. My breath caught, as I realised what this meant. Joel, who I had let go of without realizing it, again tried for the door, but I just wrapped my arms around him in a bone-crunching hug. I felt like I never ever wanted to let him go.

Liam coughed to get my attention. Once I was looking at him, he said quietly. “I'll leave you two to talk. I’ll be ready in about two hours.” I knew what he meant, and I nodded my thanks.

Then Liam left the room closing the door behind him. Joel looked at me as I held the embrace. “I’m sorry I misled you by not telling you he was a copper, but I did NOT lie, and I WILL leave if you want me to.”

I didn’t say anything for a while but then I smiled and said. “No one is going anywhere, at least not yet.”

Joel seemed so happy. I broke the embrace, and then indicated that we should sit on the bed and talk. Once we were both settled, I looked at him and said. “Okay, Joel, you want to tell me about the pictures?” Joel looked reluctant at first, but I tried to smile reassuringly, to let him know that I really, really wanted to know. After a few moments he took a deep breath.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, after everything that had happened. I felt ready for almost anything. “Most of what I said in the diner yesterday was true. I am from Bali. I lived there until just after I turned eleven. Then Mum took me and my little brother, Tyler, on holiday to Perth. We were so excited and when we got there we were having a good time. Then one day we went shopping and everything went wrong.”

Joel had tears in his eyes again. “We were shopping and Ty and I went to check out the games section. I thought I knew where Mum was, but when we went back to where I thought she was, she wasn’t there anymore. We looked for her, but when we couldn’t find her, I went to find security. Mum always told us if we got lost to talk to a guard or a police officer. So I went and found this policeman.”

Joel still had tears in his eyes, so I found a box of tissues and gave it to him. “This cop told us he would find our Mum for us. So he took us into this office and it was really cool. It had a tele. So we were watching TV while he went to find Mum. Anyway, we were there for like a couple of hours, and he still hadn’t found Mum. Then he told us that our Mum had told him to take us to our hotel. That she was there. I believed him. How stupid am I?”

Joel was now crying more heavily. I wrapped an arm around him. “Hey; you were just a kid then.” It was the only thing I could think to say.

Joel lowered his head slightly, as he took a few gulps of air and then continued. “So we go with this guy and I didn’t know my way around, so it wasn’t until we arrived at a hotel that I realised it wasn’t ours. But Tyler didn’t notice anything so I didn’t say anything. This guy seemed nice, and he had said that our mother was there waiting for us.”

The more of the story I heard, the more I wished I had done more then stabbed the prick in the alley.

“So we got inside, and Tyler went running off to find Mum, but I knew something was up. I asked the guy where our Mother was, and he told me to shut up. Then Tyler came back and asked the same question and this guy hit him. He hit him hard across the mouth. I tried to do something and he punched me. That was the day my life became hell.”

Joel paused for a few minutes wiping at his face, trying to get rid of the tears. I was beginning to cry as well. I felt so much pain for this boy.

“He told us that our mother didn’t want us anymore and that we were going to live with him. And ya wanna know something? It wasn’t too bad at first. He had some pretty cool stuff, and he let us do basically whatever we wanted. I actually started to be glad to be there.”

I could tell that Joel felt guilty about this fact, and this only served to make me sadder.

Joel sniffled a bit, then he continued. “But then, after we had been there about two months, he started making me do things.” Joel hesitated. “It started one night. Me and Tyler were watching TV, and the copper called me into his bedroom. I went in there and he had no clothes on. Then he—”

I could tell that Joel was having a lot of trouble telling it, so I rubbed his back as I said, “I understand, mate; you don’t have to tell me about it. I know bloody well what happened.”

Joel nodded his thanks and then he went on. “Yeah, so after that, he would make me do stuff with him almost every night. I hated it. But I was just glad that he only did it to me and never touched Tyler. But then … THAT changed.”

I looked down at the photos, still lying on the floor beside the folder, and realised the similarities between the two boys.

“It was only happening to me for over a year. Like I said, I hated it, but I was okay. Then John, the fuckin' copper, tells me and Tyler one day that he found out that our mother died. I was instantly numb. I didn’t know what to do. I just tried to keep Tyler calm. He took it really hard, I mean he was only eight at the time. There were heaps of times he slept in my bed….”

Joel suddenly stopped and looked at me as if he were guilty.

I wasn’t entirely sure why, but I reassured him. “That’s what older brothers are for.” I smiled to tell him I meant it, but he looked at me uncertainly. Then he shrugged.

“But then after about another month, I came home and Tyler was in our room crying, at first I tried to figure out what was wrong. He wouldn’t tell me, but I instantly knew.”

Joel was practically bawling by now, and I had to fight hard to keep myself from doing the same. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask, but I decided that I had to wait until he was done.

“I wanted to kill the arsehole. I honestly did, but I was only twelve. I didn’t know what to do, I went and talked to John and told him not to do it anymore. He laughed at me, and then he….” I was about to tell Joel he could stop if he wanted to but after a few seconds pause, he said, “After I asked him to stop, he started making me do other things. He made me watch while he did stuff with Tyler. I’d cry the whole time. So would Tyler. I wanted to do something but I couldn’t. Then after a few more months—just after I turned thirteen—John started making me DO stuff with Tyler. I didn’t want to, Jason; I swear I didn’t want to, but he said he’d kill us if I didn’t.”

I couldn’t believe that Joel felt like he had to justify himself to me. With tear-stained cheeks, I hugged him tighter and whispered into his ear, “I know, Joel; I know you didn’t.” I didn’t know what else to say.

“So that went on for like six months, and then the worst day of my life happened. I came home from school one day, and John was there, but Tyler wasn’t. I asked where he was.”

Joel couldn’t speak; he buried his head in my chest as he bawled. Cold flashes raced over my body as I thought I realised what Joel was about to say. It took him several minutes before he was able to say it.

“John just laughed at me, and said Tyler tried to run away, so he had killed him. I thought he was joking at first, but I knew from the look on his face that he wasn’t.”

Joel was hysterical and I struggled to keep a tight hold on him. Again he took several minutes to calm down. I stroked his back to try and help. Finally he continued.

“After that, I knew I had to get out of there, before he decided to kill me as well. So that’s when I started getting together the stuff that’s in that file. I was going to try and use it against him to get John to leave me alone.”

Joel had pointed at the folder on the floor as he was explaining. And I made a mental note to myself to have a proper look at what was in there later.

“So just before I turned fourteen, I tried to run away for the first time. I only made it about a hundred metres; then John found me and made me pay. So after that, I’ve tried six times but I’ve never gotten very far.”

There was a knock on the bedroom door, but when I didn’t respond, Liam knew I wasn’t finished, so he went away.

“But then I thought I had the perfect idea. I ran away when John was at work. I went to a police station in the next town. I thought there I won't have to worry about someone knowing him. The desk cop got me to talk to this other guy. And the guy seemed worried as he listened to me.”

I was starting to get confused, but Joel answered my confusion with his next statement.

“So after I’ve finished telling him everything, this cop, McCormack, tells me he’s going to make a few phone calls, and tells me to wait in reception. So I did, thinking that finally someone was going to do something about it, but then about twenty minutes later, John walked in.”

My jaw dropped as I heard that.

“Turns out this other cop is one of John’s buddies. He called him and got him to come and get me. This other guy told me I shouldn’t make up stories like that. I couldn’t believe it. John took me outside and we were in the alleyway just down the road, when I tried to blitz again. But John pulled a gun on me.”

I knew that that was when I arrived, but I hadn’t realised we were so close to a cop station. This realization made me wonder how I had managed to get away.

“Then when I was sure I was dead, you turned up and saved me.” The look he gave me as he said that, made me realise there was no way I could let that bastard ever hurt him again. I was absolutely speechless. I didn’t know what to say or to do. I just looked at him in silence for several long minutes.

Liam again knocked on the door, and I called for him to come in. He stuck his head around the door and said. “Jason, I’m ready when you two are.” I nodded as he left again.

Joel looked up at me and asked. “What’s he ready for?”

Even though he had told me so much, there was still one question I wanted Joel to answer before we took the next step. I looked him squarely in the eyes and said, “I asked you a question last night and I know you said yes. But I’m going to ask it again, and I want you to think about it.”

Joel seemed to know what I was talking about, and he frowned as he thought about it. Then finally he grinned and said, “Look Jason, I trust you as much as I can, considering how long I’ve known you. What I just told you, I wouldn’t have said if I didn’t trust you.”

I thought about it for a moment, and decided that this was good enough, as far as I was concerned, so I hugged him close to me and said. “Okay; good; because now comes the fun bit.”

To be continued...