Bastard Child, Cowboy, Oil Man

By: JWSmith
(© 2012 by the author)
Editor:  Rock Hunter

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 1

I didn't cry as I stood between my grandparents and watched four men lower my mom's casket into the big raw ugly hole. I was all cried out. I'd done all my crying weeks ago when I was first told that my mom was dying. I cried some more when my granddad told me she was gone, but not since; I was just too angry.

While the preacher prayed, I watched a man and a teenage boy rush towards us - towards my mom’s grave side. The man held the boy's hand as they ran, and when they got to the grave side the man stood with the boy in front of him, his arms protectively around him. I watched my granddad nod to the tall handsome man. The man nodded back, and then looked at me with a big warm smile.

I suspected who he was and just stared back at him. I looked at his big strong hands clasped against the boy's chest, then I let my eyes roam to the boy's face. He was staring back at me. Looking at him was almost like I was looking into a mirror, except he looked to be older than me. I looked back at the man. The boy looked like the man. In the midst of all my pent up anger I suddenly wished that I could feel the security of the man's arms around me, too.

I looked up at my granddad and caught his eye.  I glanced at the man and boy, and then back at my granddad. He bent down and whispered, "Yes, Dane, that's your dad and brother." I looked back at the man and he smiled at me again. I wanted to smile back, but my lips wouldn't respond; they just quivered. He looked really sad. I don't know how I could feel any sadder, but at that moment I did. I was twelve years old and didn't know my own dad. I hadn't even known he existed until three days ago.

Until three days ago I'd thought of myself as a bastard child. When I was six, I discovered that all the kids I went to school with had dads. One day a loud-mouthed mean little girl that lived down the street told everyone I was a bastard because I didn't have a dad. When I asked about it, Mom changed the subject, like it was something too terrible to talk about. I figured it must really be true. I was a bastard. I actually began to think of myself as one; a shamed boy with no father.

Then, the last time my mother went into the hospital – when they knew for certain she was dying – my grandfather told me that I would have to go live with my father.  I blew up at him. " I know I’m a bastard, so why are you lying to me? I don't have a father." Angry and scared, I felt like I was being abandoned.

"Of course you have a father. He wants you back, so we have to let him take you."

"Just 'cause I'm a bastard and my mom is dying, you're...you're...you're throwing me away?"

"Dane, your grandmother and I love you very much. You're our grandson, but we have no choice."

"You're lying to me just like Mom did, I don't have a father. I'm just a bastard."

"A bastard? How could you think that?  Dane, Dane, that's not true. Your dad and mom were married a long time before you were born. You have an older brother. Why would you think you're a bastard?"

"My last name is the same as yours and Mom's. If I'm not a bastard then why don't I have my daddy's last name like other boys?"

Granddad was nonplussed. I suppose he'd never stopped to consider what my mother had done. "Dane, I'm so sorry, I never realized... I don't know why your mother went back to using her maiden name. Your last name is really Hilliard, the same as your dad. Your dad's a fine upstanding man. And I know he loves you very much."

"I don't know anything about this man you’re saying is my dad, and now you tell me I'm going to have to go live with him," I ranted. "I don't even know where he lives. He may not even like me. And my brother will hate me for having to share his dad with me." I ran out of gas and just crumpled to the floor, bawling. My grandfather pulled me to my feet and led me to the sofa and sat beside me with an arm around my shoulder. My grandmother stood in the kitchen door with tears on her cheek while she dithered. That's what Granddad called her indecisiveness, her inability to react to emotional situations – dithering. Grandmom was great at dithering.

I eventually calmed down, and even though I was still pissed off, I listened to my granddad's explanation. It appeared to me that Mom had no intention of ever telling me about my dad and brother. As I thought about it, I got even angrier, not only had she stolen my father's love from me, she let me grow up thinking I was a bastard, and to top it off, she'd abandoned my brother. My brother never really got to know his mother, just as I'd never had a chance to know my father.

Standing at her grave side, deep in my heart, I was still furiously angry at my mom's selfishness. And as I stood between my grandparents studying my father, all my anger at my mother transferred to him. He had given me up. He'd let my crazy mother take me away.

When he looked at me again from across the open grave, I glared at him and frowned. How dare he think I was going to just move into the middle of nowhere without a fight. If I had to go to live on his ranch, I would be kicking and screaming in protest all the way.

What was really confusing was that at the same time I was being so angry, I wanted desperately to feel his arms protecting me. I wanted him to love me like he obviously loved my brother. And I felt jealous that my brother had all that love. He had a dad that loved him. And what did I have? I had a dead, crazy mother and a set of grandparents that wanted to give me away to this stranger. I had nothing. Nothing.

I pulled my hand from my granddad's grasp, pick up a clod of dirt and threw it at my mother's casket.

The loud hollow 'clunck' shocked everyone and they all turned to stare at me. I glared back, then turned and fled across the cemetery. I collapsed under a big tree, pulled my knees up, rested my chin on them... and watched across the rows of grave stones as the preacher prayed one last time, then the group of people breaking into small groups and leaving.

I don't know where he came from, or how he was suddenly there, but my brother was sitting beside me. When I became aware of him, I turned and looked into his face. He grinned and actually blushed. I couldn't help but smile. I looked back across to where my grandparents were now talking to my father. They were facing us, watching.

"Hi, Dane. I'm Dale," he said, "I've always wanted to know my little brother."

"You knew about me?"

"Of course I did. I remember the day that Mom took you away."

"Well, I didn't know about you at all. I didn't even know I had a father until a couple of three days ago." I hugged my knees tightly. I was fighting the damned tears again. I'd thought I was finished with crying.

Dale put his arm around me. I wanted to shrug it off, reject him, and push him away, but at the same time, I loved the feel of his arm across my back; I liked the feel of my big brother's loving embrace.

"I was angry at Mom for a long time after she left," he told me. "I talked to Dad a lot about it. Finally, I understood why she left, and why she took my baby brother with her. I learned to forgive her. It makes me sad that I didn't get to know her as I grew up."

"It was only explained to me three days ago when she died. I'm still mad.. I grew up believing I was a bastard. She stole my father from me I didn't even know my name was Hilliard. She registered me in school using Bowman, Granddad's name. How could she do that to me?"

"Dane, Mom had been ill for a long time. Even before she left us, she was ill. She had to be here in the city to get the care she needed. Dad had to stay with the ranch to make the money to pay for her care."

"I don't get it. Why did she just abandon you and hide my father and brother from me?"

He heaved a big sigh. "I guess that's the only way she could deal with it."

"It was so unfair."

"Yeah, it was. But you know what?"

I turned and looked at him.

"You've got a dad that loves you, and a big brother that's going to be the best big brother to you that he can be." He tightened his arm around me and pulled me into a hug.

My heart swelled with emotion. My eyes filled up again as I hugged him back. I looked up at Dale through a new batch of tears, happy tears this time, and said, "I'm going to be the best little brother I can be."

I could see our dad still watching us as he and our grandparents were talking to the minister. He smiled at us – his two sons together for the first time in eleven years.

"Do you like riding horses?" Dale asked.

"I've never even seen a live horse."

"You're joking."

I shook my head.

"Oh man, I'm going to get to teach you how to ride. You're going to love it, Dane. I'm going to teach you how to be a cowboy."

"Really?  I get to be a real cowboy?"

"Yup, you sure are."

"Neat."

Dale looked over toward Mom's grave. My eyes followed. "It looks like our folks are ready to go. You feeling better now?" he asked.

Suddenly, it all... the reality... came back to me. I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."

We stood up and Dale put his arm around my shoulders. He was about three inches taller than me, and I'm 5' 3". "You just remember through the next day or two, that you've got a big brother that really loves you, and you're going to get to live with me. And I promise you, our dad loves you just as much as he loves me."

I stopped and looked at him. "Do you love me?"

"Of course I do, Dane. You're my little brother."

Nobody could have said anything to make me feel any better than that. It no longer felt like my grandparents were abandoning me. And if Dale wasn't fibbing...'my dad' loves me, too. What more could a kid want? I threw my arms around him and he hugged me back just as tightly.

Two days later, all my stuff was packed in the back of the big, brown, double cab Ford F-350 pickup. Dale insisted that I sit in front with his dad... my dad... our dad. I'd gotten to know him some while he stayed to visit with my grandparents. Every chance Dad had, his arms were around me, hugging me, once in a while kissing my cheek. He even got me to sit on his lap once, but I guess at that age, even though I really liked it, it embarrassed me, so he let me off so I could just sit beside him. And I just couldn't stop touching him. It was like I had to keep verifying that he was real... that he was there... that he loved me.

As we headed southwest out of Houston, I was fascinated by the country and the land we were passing through. I'd never even been out of my old neighborhood. I was torn with looking out the window and looking at my dad. He's so handsome. His light brown, nearly blonde hair hangs over the right side of his forehead just like Dale's and mine does. All three of us part our hair on the left side. His deep blue eyes seem to always sparkle with merriment. There are crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes. I think that's more from him always smiling, rather than squinting in the bright Texas sun.

He turned his smile on me for a moment as he drove. "I'm sorry your mother died, but I sure am happy that I've got you back, Son."

I wondered if he knew what joy it brought me when he called me 'Son'. I thought for several seconds before I replied, "I think it will take me a while to stop being angry at her. I don't think I'll ever understand why she never told me about you and Dale. But I am so happy to be here. I'm glad you're my dad."

When I looked up at him, he was biting his lip and looking kind of teary-eyed. It took him a couple of miles to get his emotions under control. "I hope you understand, Dane, how hard it was to let your mom take you away. I didn't want to let her have you. If it hadn't been for your grandparents assuring me that they'd take care of you, I wouldn't have let her. You were so young, just a baby, and you needed someone to take care of you all the time. I was always working and didn't have a lot of time to spend with you. I had to let her take you."

"I understand that, Dad. It was just so selfish of her to hide your existence from me. It was wrong."

"I suppose that she thought that you would want to be with me more than her if you knew about me. That brain tumor really messed up her thinking, you know."

"That's the way Granddad explained it."

We were both lost in thought for a long time. The green rolling hills soon flattened out, and the sere golden flat land extended to the horizons.

I'd kind of forgotten about Dale sitting in the back. I glanced back and saw that he'd fallen asleep. He was so cute with his mouth a little open. 'He's my big brother.' My heart filled with so much emotion I thought it would burst. I glanced up at Dad with a big grin on my face.

"What?" he asked grinning back at me.

"I'm just so happy. I've got you, my very own daddy, and I've got a big brother. I don't know what more I could want."

Dad looked as happy as I felt.

Miles on down the road a thought occurred to me, and I turned sideways in my seat. "Dad, do I have other grandparents? Are your mom and dad still alive?"

"Yes, they have the ranch next to us right down the road."

"Hmm," I said as another thought filtered through my brain. "Can I ask you another question?"

"Dane, anytime you have a question, just ask it. I promise I'll always answer it as best I can. And I will always be truthful."

Suddenly, I wasn't sure I wanted to know the truth. The truth has a way of hurting sometimes... like now. But no matter how much it might hurt, I couldn't just go on wondering. That, for sure, would make me crazy. Before I could get my thoughts organized, Dad asked, "So are you going to ask me something?"

I nodded. He waited a bit and then glanced at me. So I just blurted it out. "I'm just wondering why I couldn't have stayed with your parents rather than Mom's. Didn't they want me?"

Dad quickly pulled the truck to the side of the road and stopped. I was suddenly fearful that I had overstepped some unseen line, and I was going to pay for it. I scooted up against the door to get as far away as I could. I scrunched up my face and waited for his big hand to swipe across my face. I think it scared him to see me shrink away from him. He looked, at first, horrified...and then so sad. "Did your mother hit you?" he asked. I studied him a minute and then nodded. "Oh God, Son, I am so sorry. I wish I had known. I would have taken you away from her. No one will ever hit you again, Dane. I promise." He undid my seat belt. "Come here," he said.

I flew into his arms and he wrapped me in security. "I know she didn't mean to," I said. "After she'd hit me, she'd break down and cry, and then ask me to forgive her."

"Did your grandparents know that she hit you?"

I nodded. "They were always sympathetic, but blamed it on her condition. I learned early to just put up with it and try not to upset her."

"Christ, I can't believe this. Dane, I am so sorry that I didn't check up on her. She wanted to be left alone. I really thought James and Martha would protect you."

"Grandmom would scold her and tell her not to do it again. Mom would cry some more and hug me and tell me she was sorry."

"How old were you when she first started hitting you?"

"Maybe four. It was a long time before I started school."

"I'm so sorry you had to experience that, Son. Never again, though. No one will ever hit you again."

I felt another hand caressing the top of my head and looked up at Dale's smiling face. "We love you, Dane," he said.

Dad kissed my forehead. "For sure, we do, Son."

I don't think I'd ever felt as good as I did at that moment.

Dad hadn't forgotten the question I'd asked. "Dane, believe me, Mom, Dad and I discussed it at length. The problem was that Mom has osteoarthritis. Ten years ago she could still walk fairly well, but her hands were so bad she could hardly pick up a piece of paper. The pain was so bad some days that she had to take double doses of her pain medicine to get relief. As much as she wanted to, there was just no way she could have taken care of you, Dane. She wanted very much to keep her baby grandson, but she couldn't. It took her a long time to get over losing you. And I can tell you that she is so excited that you are coming back." 

To be continued...

Posted: 09/14/12