Love Is Where You Find It
 by: Hankster

© 2008 by the author

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

I hated to see the party end, but eventually everyone went home.  I stayed behind with Brad, and we didn’t rest until everything was cleaned up and stored away.  We placed the leftover food in plastic containers and froze them.  Finally we collapsed on the couch. 

I looked around and said, “You’d never know we had company.”

“Sleep here with me tonight,” Brad said.

“Was there ever a doubt?” I asked.

Chapter 7

It was never a question of would we sleep together at night.  The question was always in whose bed would we sleep?  Little by little we began to discuss buying a house together.

Brad was adamant about everything being fifty-fifty.  He said he could afford the down payment, but even though I could pay cash if I wanted to, he insisted on obtaining a mortgage.  I said that I’d rather pay cash and he could pay me monthly for his half, but he wouldn’t hear of it. 

“Furthermore,” he argued.  “It makes no sense to deplete your principal as Carl has done, and mortgage interest and real estate taxes are good federal and state tax deductions.”

Finally I realized that if we were going to commit to each other and live together, I had to do it Brad’s way, that is to say, equally.   At this point, I had been living in the apartment almost seven months.  Coincidentally our leases expired a month apart so we figured we could move out in six months.  We determined to close on a house in five months or less.

Larry and Chuck began to point out all the good points of buying in their neighborhood.  The obvious was to be close to them.  They also pointed out that a number of gay and lesbian couples lived in their neighborhood, and the area was very gay friendly.  We checked out the part of the city where Daryl and George lived, and areas where some of our other friends lived.  In the end, we concluded that no place was too far away by car. 

Larry and Chuck were family to us, and their neighborhood reminded us of the neighborhoods we had grown up in, so we zeroed in on buying as close to Larry and Chuck as we could.  

When we went looking at real estate we went in Brad’s car.  My car was souped up and a bit noisy.  We didn’t want any of the agents to think that we were disturbers of the peace.

My own peace was shattered, when I picked up my mail after work one day.  I could see that one of the letters had been forwarded from my old address.  I was surprised that it had been forwarded since I thought that the time limit had expired.  The letter was from Carl, but the return address was different than the one he had given me.  I ripped open the envelope and started to read:

Dear Aaron:

I tried to reach you by phone, but the number you gave me was no longer a working number.  I suppose you have moved, but I am sending this letter to your old address hoping it will be forwarded to you.

I am returning to San Francisco.  I called Burger King and they are taking me back as a store manager, but it may be in a different store.

I have been a complete fool.  Gambling is legal at various Indian Casinos in Broward County, Florida.  Jorge and I ran up heavy debts.  Eventually I had to sell the condo and the Jaguar, and depleted my settlement.  We took a furnished apartment in a very seedy section of town and I got a job at a Burger King.  Jorge went back to nursing.

We fought all the time, mostly about money. It seems that it was OK for me to support him, but he rebelled against the role of bread winner. I came home from work after the late shift one night, and Jorge was gone.  He cleaned out the apartment.  Not only did he take his stuff, he took most of mine too.

I decided to return home and to try to rebuild my life.  Unfortunately my credit card has been cut off and I can’t afford the air fare home.  If you get this letter and if you could lend me $1.000 I’d be forever grateful.  I promise to repay every penny.  I would also appreciate if you could put me up until I find a place to stay.  You are the only real friend I have in San Francisco.  Please help me.  My address is on the mailing envelope and my telephone number is 954-555-3344.

Your desperate friend,

Carl Gilmore

I put the letter back in the envelope and stuffed it into my pocket. My head was spinning and my mind was in turmoil.  I was afraid of my emotions.  As I read Carl’s letter, my cock began to stiffen at the possibility of making love to him again.  But I loved Brad, and we now had unprotected sex.  If I ever cheated on Brad, I would have to use protection, not only with Carl, but with Brad too.  How could I explain that?  We were meeting Larry and Chuck for dinner tonight in The Castro this evening.  I would show them the letter and ask them what to do. 

Larry and Chuck read the letter together and handed it to Brad.  I could literally see Brad’s face turn red as his blood began to boil, but he said nothing.  Little by little he calmed down.  When he felt that he was in control of himself, he said very quietly, “He almost ruined your life once.  How can you entertain the idea of helping him unless you still love him?”

“Oh Brad, how can you think that?  The only one I love is you.”  As I said those words, I couldn’t help but wonder if it was true.

“You’re being a little harsh, Brad,” Larry said.  “The boy’s in trouble.  He needs help and he has no one else to turn to”

“Let him try Traveler’s Aid,” Brad snapped back.  “He made his own bed, and I don’t want him dragging Aaron into it.”

Was that a double entendre?  I wasn’t sure.  One thing I was certain of.  Brad was jealous, very jealous.

“What do you guys think I should do?” I asked, turning to Larry and Chuck.

There was silence for too long and finally Chuck answered.  “If you give him the money because you want to help a fellow human being, a brother, in need, then I think you should do it.  If you help him because you still have feelings for him, I don’t think you should do anything without a joint decision by you and Brad.  You committed yourself to Brad, Aaron, and that requires that you make a joint decision in either case.”

“I don’t trust him to pay Aaron back,” Brad complained.  “How do we know that he won’t be constantly asking for money, and my good hearted partner will keep on feeding his sick needs?”

It was clear to me that Brad was harboring resentment along with jealousy.  All I could say to him was, “That’s not fair, Brad.”

“I think I have the solution,” Larry piped in.  “Write him, or call him, and tell him that you have turned over all your settlement money to a financial manager.  Tell him that the manager gives you a monthly allowance and pays all your bills. You have no authority to write checks unless the manager approves.  I’ll give you a bank check for $1,000 drawn on your account.  I’ll mail it to him with a promissory note that I will prepare.  I’ll ask him to sign and return the note.  I’ll enclose a return envelope addressed to me at the bank.  The check will be restricted, and whoever cashes it must call me, your manager.  The check will not be available until the manager gets his signed note and approves the check for payment.”

“Wow,” I said, “Can we do that?”

“Well, there is some truth stretching, but I believe that Carl would be made to realize that he has to pay you back, and that you can’t be his money pit.  Would you go for that, Brad?”

“Frankly Aaron, I don’t think you should even answer his letter.  I know that he was your first love, but he’s just no good.  Look how he has pissed away three quarters of a million dollars.  He doesn’t even mention in the letter if he is still in debt.  What if he’s leaving Ft. Lauderdale just to escape his creditors?  Also I would object to you putting him up.  I think you should tell him that you are in a committed relationship and your partner disapproves.  That’s the truth for sure.”

I had never seen Brad act so unkindly, but I had to admit that if I was uncertain how I felt about Carl, Brad would certainly sense it, and want to keep me away from him.

“I could stay with you and he could use his apartment until he finds something.” 

I clearly heard Brad gasp and I corrected myself. “I mean my apartment.”  Brad jumped up and left the restaurant.  I ran after him and found him leaning up against a street light at the corner.

“Brad, honey,” I said to him.  “I’ll do whatever you ask me to do.  I’ll let Carl flounder if that’s your wish, but I have never known you to be so dispassionate toward another human being.”

“He’s not another human being.  He’s Carl Gilmore.  He has no ethics.  He’ll try to bleed you dry, and I’m afraid you’ll let him.  He dumped you once and he’ll do it again.  Now that he has reappeared in your life, I can tell that he has rekindled old feelings in you.  You can deny it all you want, but I’m scared of him.  I’m scared of losing you and I’m damn mad at you for even entertaining a thought of helping out that vulture.”

“I haven’t agreed to help him out yet.  I haven’t even called or written to him.  Let’s go finish dinner.  We can talk more about it later.”

When we got back, Brad was the first to speak.  He looked straight at Larry.  “I’m one hundred percent opposed to Aaron contacting this guy or lending him one penny, but I know he wants to do it.  I think he still loves Carl even if he denies it.  Let’s do it your way, Dad.”

Then he looked at me.  “You can be a jerk and let him use your apartment, but I am telling you right now that I am going to fight for you.  If I see him trying to win you over or trying to take money from you, I’ll kill him.  I’m not going to lose you, Aaron Jackson, especially not to a predator like Carl.”

There was stunned silence.  Finally Larry said to me.  “Would you consider making my scenario come true?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well I would really manage all your money.  I’d give you an adequate allowance and you would submit all your bills to me for payment.  If there was something to pay that I didn’t approve of, you would have to justify it to me.  That way Brad wouldn’t have to worry about Carl bleeding your money, and you would be telling Carl the gospel truth.”

I was really stunned.  I didn’t like the idea at all.  “What do you think Brad?” I asked.

“I could live with that,” he answered.

“OK then, let’s go for it.”

“Be in my office late tomorrow afternoon to sign the papers.  How much allowance do you want, son?”

“None,” I answered.  “I want to live on my salary.”

“In that case,” Larry said, “hand over your credit cards.  I’ll let you keep one for emergencies only.  If I find that you abuse that card, I’ll confiscate that one as well.”

“I agree,” I said.  I could not read any emotion on Brad’s face, and he was beginning to irk me.  Conversation between the four of us was strained that evening and Brad and I didn’t talk all the way home.  When we got into the elevator, I hit the 2 button and Carl hit the 3 button.

The elevator opened at the second floor and I started to get out. Just as the doors began to close Brad darted out.  He began to sob and scream at the same time.

“Please don’t leave me alone.  I don’t want to lose you.  I love you more than I love my own life.  I don’t demand that you love me as strongly.  I only ask that you weigh your actions carefully in the light of possible consequences to our relationship.   I need you in my life.  I’ll kill myself if you leave me.”  He couldn’t say more because he was crying so badly.

For a moment I thought I had my aneurism back.  I was totally fed up with Brad.  He was smothering me.  So what if I wanted to have Carl as a fuck buddy.  It was none of his business.  I vowed that I wasn’t going to go along with letting Larry pay all my bills and giving me an allowance for God’s sake.  I felt like my blood was boiling, literally.

However, I did not let my words or my actions betray my thoughts.  I embraced him and said, “You’re not losing me and stop being so foolish.  Now come to bed with me and I’ll show you how much I love you.”  The thing is I meant it.  Carl, Carl, I thought, why do you have such a sexual effect on me?  I don’t need you.  I have Brad.  Shit! I still desire you.

The next afternoon, after my shift, I went to Larry’s office.  I decided to go through with his plans after all.  I signed all the necessary papers.  He prepared an envelope containing a letter of explanation to Carl, the promissory note and a bank check which indicated that the check was not valid unless approved for payment by the issuer.  He also included a return envelope directly to his attention.   The note required monthly payments of $50.00 and no interest.  If he defaulted his salary could be garnisheed.  Larry told me that it would be mailed tonight with the regular bank mail.

“This way,” he said, “Carl still does not have your address or telephone number.  He’ll have to deal with me.” I nodded in agreement.

“Now tell me,” he asked.  “Is everything cool with you and Brad?”

“He says it is, but I know he’s totally opposed to my helping Carl out.  Why is he being so foolish?

“I don’t think he’s being foolish.  Given your past relationship with Carl, I don’t think you should have anything to do with him either.  But it’s obvious to me, Chuck and Brad that you have made up your mind to help him so at least we are taking steps to protect you.”

A week later Larry called to tell me that Carl had returned the signed promissory note.  There was a short note inside asking if I was going to let him shack up with me until he got his own place.  Larry was quick to point out that nowhere in the note did he say thanks.

“I wrote him a note which I sent by overnight mail,” Larry said.  “I told him that he couldn’t stay with you because you were in a committed relationship and your partner would not permit it.  I told him that when he got here he was on his own.  I told him that I didn’t think he would have a problem finding a place since he had a good job.  What I didn’t tell him was your address or telephone number.”

“Thanks Dad,” I said and hung up. 

I needed desperately to talk to him.  I told Brad that I needed to take a break.  Of course, the first thing Brad did was to worry about my well being.  I was really getting tired of this puppy love.

I went into the alleyway behind the store and dialed the number Carl had given me.  Someone with a thick Spanish accent answered the phone.  I asked for Carl.

“He ain’t here,” the voice said and when I find him, I fix his sorry ass.  You can tell him I say so.”  He hung up abruptly, leaving me upset and very worried.  I waited until I was in my car going home and I called again.  This time Carl answered.  I did not mention my earlier call.  I gave him my telephone number and told him to call when he got in and I would see what I could do about helping him find a place to stay.

Two days later Carl called me while I was eating dinner with Brad in my apartment.  He gave me his flight number.  He was arriving the next day late in the evening, and he wanted to know if I could pick him up.  I said yes without thinking.

He would see that I was driving his old car.  Technically he gave it to me, but he could ask for payment just the same, I suppose.  Maybe I could call the loan an even exchange.  Brad would kill me. 

Then he would find out that I lived in his old apartment.  How would he feel about that?  Well, I was paying the rent, not him.  I really should have called him back and told him that I couldn’t help him, but I didn’t do it.  Instead I asked Brad if I could stay with him while Carl stayed at my place.  Brad’s reaction was violent.

“No, you fucking cannot.  If you want him to stay at your place, you bloody well can stay with him.  And you can cancel the meeting we have with that real estate agent on Sunday.” He stormed out in the middle of our meal.

Without an aneurism, I was still hell bent on destroying my life.  I tried calmly to understand what hold Carl had on me, but I couldn’t.  Instead I knew that I could get Carl into my bed tomorrow evening and I was hot for it to happen.

I began to worry about Brad.  What should I do?  Should I go upstairs, beg him to forgive me and tell him that I wouldn’t pick up Carl after all, or should I take a fuck you attitude?  I’ll do whatever I damn well want to do.  Who was Brad to forbid me from picking up Carl and giving him a place to stay?  It’s not that I didn’t know that I was being self destructive, it’s just that I wanted to hold Carl in my arms so badly that I didn’t care.

At work the next day, Brad would not even say good morning.  He only spoke to me if it was work related.  A couple of times I caught him staring at me, but he looked away quickly.  I wanted to grab him and tell him that I was all his, but I wanted Carl just as badly.  Was it possible to love two guys at the same time?  Maybe.  I knew Carl wouldn’t mind, but I wondered if Brad would go for a threesome.  I didn’t think so.

On the way home I stopped at a drug store and bought condoms and lubricant.  There was no doubt in my mind that I would use them tonight. 

I got to the airport way too early.  I parked the car and went to the arrival gate.  I could only go as far as the security gate so I found a seat and waited.  I groaned when the board said that Carl’s flight was a half hour late. 

Somehow the time passed.  I was standing beyond the gate scanning the faces of the arriving passengers.  When I saw him I was shocked.  I wasn’t even sure it was Carl.  He was a mere skeleton of his former self.  He looked like he hadn’t shaved in days and he desperately needed a haircut.  I called his name, hoping he wouldn’t respond and that it wasn’t he.

When I called his name, he spotted me and smiled.  With that smile, there was a semblance of the old Carl.  He ran to me and threw his arms around me.  He went to kiss me but his breath was foul.  I pulled away quickly.

“All I have is this carry on,” he said.  “We don’t have to go to baggage claim.”  I took him directly to my car.  He climbed in without so much as a comment that I was driving his old wheels.

“We are making a few stops on the way home,” I told him.  Our first stop was a barber shop that catered to people who worked late.  They opened at noon and closed at midnight.  I got Carl a haircut and a shave and restored some of his former glory, but he still looked like a skeleton.

Then we went to a drug store where I bought him a razor, shaving cream, a toothbrush and some toothpaste.  I pulled in to my apartment complex and was even more surprised that he didn’t make mention of the fact that he used to live here.  Worse yet, when we entered my apartment, he said, “Nice digs you have here, Aaron.”  Had he lost his memory or was he somehow mentally ill.  Instead of questioning it, I merely said, “Thanks.”

I showed him to the bathroom, and gave him a towel and wash cloth.  “Why don’t you brush your teeth and take a nice hot shower while I make us something to eat?” I asked him. 

“I have nothing fresh to wear.  All I own is what I have on.”

I went to my dresser drawer, and found a pair of my gym shorts and no underwear.  I had adopted Brad’s habit of not wearing underwear.  I handed the shorts to Carl and said, “You can wear this.”

I heated up some linguini and meatballs that was left over from a couple of days ago.  When Carl got out of the shower he was looking better and better. Unfortunately he still looked like a walking skeleton.  His bare chest showed every rib.

“Where’s your partner?” he asked.  I thought I couldn’t stay here.  Your couch doesn’t look too comfortable.

“He’s away on business,” I lied.  “You can sleep in my bed with me.”

“That’s cool,” he said and he sounded really enthusiastic.  He ate the skimpy meal that I had prepared as if he hadn’t eaten in days, and somehow I thought that might be the case.

I offered to make coffee, but he asked if I had the fixings of a gin and tonic.  I mixed a drink for both of us.  We settled down on the couch to enjoy our drink, and he said, “I must look like hell to you.”

“Yes,” I agreed.  He smiled his special smile at me and I wanted him so badly.  I moved closer to him just as the door opened.  It was Brad.  I forgot that he had my key.

He looked daggers at Carl and said to me.  “I’m really sorry, Aaron.  I said that I would fight for you, and I intend to.  I love you too much to let you get away from me.  Please, come stay with me and let Carl stay here.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Carl said.  He jumped up and put his face in Brad’s.

“Carl, sit down,” I ordered.  “This is Brad, my partner.  I lied to you when I said he was away on business.”

Brad gave a little sigh that sounded like a sob.  “Please come upstairs.  If you want me to, I’ll beg.  Forgive me for the way I acted.  It’s just that I was so jealous.  Don’t throw away what we have.”

I knew I should take Brad’s hand and leave with him, but two things stopped me.  First, I didn’t want him to win this battle and second, I really wanted to have sex with Carl. 

“Brad,” I said, “I love you.  I truly do, but I want to have sex with Carl tonight.  Would you consider joining us?”

Brad looked stunned.  I could tell that he wanted to lash out and run out of the room, but he remained calm.  After all, he said that he was fighting for me.

“It’s not what I do,” he whispered. I barely heard him.

“But it’s what I want.  If you truly love me.  You’ll honor my wish.

To be continued...

Posted: 12/05/08