My Last Christmas Alone
By: Hal
(Copyright 2006 - 2007, by the Author)
Editors: Radio Rancher & Str8mayb

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

 

Dear God, why have so many bad things happened to me? That is the thought that was running through my head, as I stood here. Here, in the middle of this bridge, peering over the edge.

Yeah, I was going to jump. I wanted all the pain and suffering to end. I was going to end it all, because that is what *I* wanted. That is, until, someone would help me change my mind.

It wasn’t overnight, that I made this decision to take my life. NO, not in the least. It happened over a period of a couple of years, and each "bad" thing that happened to me, just added to the burden I was already carrying.

First, it was my ex-girlfriend, that really started it all. With the big breakup, and the lawyers, and all the legal mumbo jumbo, I ended up a hollow shell of the man I used to be. I would have done anything for my kids, for they were everything to me. How I miss them. I hope they don't take this too hard, if we happen to meet again. What would turn, a woman that you love with all your heart, into something, that you can't even be in the same room with? How many sleepless nights, I have pondered that. I still haven't found the answer. She was so sweet, and then as if Merlin waved his magic wand and poof, she was the world’s biggest lemon, sour to the core. We got along great, the first few years we were together, then our first child came. We were as happy as can be, even though we didn't have much to show for it. After our second child, things were only good for awhile. It was at this point, that drove me to buy a ring for her, to show her that I was really serious about our relationship, she didn't think I wanted to stay with her. What a big disappointment that was, for after putting the ring on her finger, and promising her that we would be together forever, she turned into the cold hearted person that drove us apart. She even went so far as to not wear my ring at all, and instead she wore someone else's ring, where only mine should be. I was raised to believe that love was forever, and that marriage was not to be taken lightly, and that your kids were really the foundation for a happy family. Boy, was I ever wrong.

Then, there was the job, my seemingly dead-end job that I was starting to dislike. I guess, I was really starting to hate. First, there was the understanding, "of course, we understand that you are going through a rough time in your life right now, but you need to see our point too, we can't just let others get away with the loss in performance, and all the tardies, so you must be reprimanded." I guess, that all the tardies, over a period of time, were eating at everyone’s moral, and the bad mood that I was always in, didn't help either.

Reprimanded, hell it was more like punishment. I was transferred, to another location, at a much lower paying position, and put on probation. Hell, for years I was a star employee. Well in all honestly, maybe not a star, but I wasn’t a problem employee either. Maybe I should have just quit at that point.

So, one year after the big breakup, I was forced to move out of state, away from my children and family. And without visitation "rights” to my kids. I am not a religious person, really, but this is as close to hell as I ever wanted to get.

Being motivated by the almighty dollar, I struggled to keep my "new job” and my new bosses happy, but they were always on the lookout for my screw-up. There were days, though, that I should've been fired. I know that. But, with a little luck, and a lot of begging, they allowed me to stay. Of course, my probation period was extended with each incident, even getting to the point that I had to sign a contract, that in the "eventuality" if I was late again, I would be terminated with prejudice. No references would be a really bad thing, having just moved from another state, and not knowing anyone, and my bad attitude preventing me from making any close friends. Who wants to be friends with someone who is constantly in a bad mood, and doesn't want to get close to anyone, for the fear of being hurt all over again.

Then the bad news, I thought that I had prepared myself for, my dads passing on. He finally passed away, at the age of 91. He was kinda getting slower, but was just not staying as active as he used to. He used to fish all summer long, and always had at least one freezer full of salmon and halibut. It was to be expected, after all, the heart surgery he had when he was 84 wasn't guaranteeing that he would live forever. It was just his time, just like I was thinking, now it was mine. And the thoughts of not having the means anymore to travel freely, weighed heavily on me. People think the IRS is bad, just wait until you have to give up most of your paycheck to child support. I didn't make it to his funeral. None of the "family" even bothered to call me to see if I was ok. We were never really close, even as kids, but with our fathers passing, you would have thought someone would have at least called. They all knew my circumstances, if I could have been there I would've.

That wasn't the straw that broke the camels back though.

The final factor, in this big equation, of life vs. death, was the "accidental" death of my own children.

Even the courts, in their vast *wisdom*, didn’t even consider the fact that their mom was a drunk. Because a "mother" would ever hurt her children. The facts didn’t affect the outcome of their determination. It was because I was now a single male, accused of being violent by their mother, so she would have the upper hand in custody, and the courts don't smile on men. Even though the accusations, were unfounded. She still got custody, and because of the courts *wise* decision, my children are dead, and she lies in a coma, a *victim* of her own drunk driving. I don't feel sorry for her one bit, and I hope to God she rots in hell for everything she has done, not just to me, but especially *our* children.

The pain and suffering, will end tonight. I swear to it.

So, here we are back in the middle of the bridge.

I am going to jump. Yup, going to jump over the railing, falling however many feet it is and, with any luck at all, break my neck on impact. If that doesn't do it, I should drown at the point of impact, having all the air knocked out of me. Jeez, that almost sounds painful. I hope it’s over quickly.

That's what I'm going to do. Right now, just get it over and done with. Any second now, wait, someone is coming.

"What ya doin’ mister?"

"Huh?"

"I said, what ya doin’?"

Breaking me out of my haze, I looked to see a young man, maybe in his early teens, about five and a half feet tall, short brown hair, slender, but the most amazing green eyes. They shone bright in the night, piercing me, seemingly to my very core.

"I said, what ya doin’? Are you deaf?"

"No, I am not deaf, just *thinking*."

"Thinking about jumping, are you?" he asked, then smiled, looking like a little angel, completely innocent.

'What is this kid’s problem, why won't he leave me alone?' I thought, so I looked at him again, "It’s none of your business what I am thinking!"

“ If you say so, but it looks to me like you want to jump."

“ Look kid, I just came out here to think, the fresh air helps me think better."

“ Sure it does, and as soon as I leave, you’re gonna jump, I know it."

“ Wha... wha... what do you think, I am stupid or something? Do you think that if I really came out here to jump, that YOU would be able to stop me?" I was starting to get disturbed with this kid, this damn intruder. He was trying to get me to change my mind, this, this, ahhrrrgg. This little brown haired, green-eyed angel was trying to stop me, and I didn't know *what* to think.

"Nah, you're only stupid if you think that will solve anything." He was obviously enjoying this little game he had started, for he was grinning real big now. "My name is Justin, what's yours?" he asked, as he held his hand out to me.

I started to think, why the hell is this kid doing this to me? Doesn't he realize I have enough problems of *my* own already?

"Uh, Sean, my name is Sean." I just looked at his hand, not wanting to shake it, for what difference would it make now.

"Yeah, I knew that. I just wanted to see if you would be honest enough with me to tell me your real name."

“ Wha... huh? How?" I was getting tongue tied at this minute, for it seemed like this kid had all the answers, even to the questions yet to be asked.

"Come on Sean, I want to show you something, ok?"

“ NO, I came out here to do some *thinking*, and YOU'RE interrupting my thoughts, just leave ME alone!!"

“ Sean, I AM serious, if *you* don’t like what I show you, or can tell you, you can come back *here* to jump, if that is what YOU really want, ok?" He was starting to lose his smile as he said this, and for the first time since he walked up to me, he didn't look full of energy. Even his eyes were losing their sparkle. "Hurry up now, I don't have much time, if you want me to bring you back here to help you end your life."

He said that with so much conviction, it didn't leave me much room to argue, let alone think about it for he had grabbed my hand in a vice like grip dragging me across the bridge. We walked in silence, for what seemed like an eternity, for my mind was full of conflicting emotions. Why now, would someone, especially a kid, pay any attention to me. Tonight, of all nights? All he did was look at me, with those green orbs of his, and I could tell that he was serious. I felt so weird, walking with this kid, who seemed to know me, while he held my hand like there was nothing wrong at all with the world.

After about 7or 8 blocks, we stopped in front of, what is this? "Why are we here?" I spat out, with enough sarcasm in my voice that he started to cringe.

"Why, don't *you* believe in God?" We were standing in front of an old church, one that looked like it had been abandoned long time ago. Many of the windows were broken, with the big white cross in the front window, the only sign that it was a holy place. After a closer look, I noticed it was just an old church, in need of some maintenance. Very badly in need of some TLC.

"No, I don’t." I almost whispered.

"How come?" His grip was loosening, just a tad, as he was starting to massage my hand.

"You, you wouldn't understand."

“ Why?"

As I looked at him, his face had dropped. His eyes were now moist as if he could suddenly feel all the pain I have suffered. "If there was a God, why does he make us suffer so much?" My voice was starting to crack, and my own eyes started to betray me, as a single tear fell down my cheek.

"Well, God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes bad things need to happen, so the good things can be more accepted," was his reply. "Will you go in and pray with me, just to humor me and keep me company, please?"

He didn't give me the chance to reply, for he was dragging me up the stairs, never letting go of my hand. I had to really pause at the door, with him stretching my arm to its limits. I hadn't been to church in so long, why tonight, of all nights, would someone want to bring me to HIS house, when I was trying to take my own life?

So, as I relented, we proceeded to go down the aisle, stopping a few pews from the front. I noticed the inside of the church, was much cleaner than the outside, and smelled of fresh incense and candles. Clearly, this was a church that was still in use, at least to some extent. He pushed me into the seat, and slid in next to me, never losing the hand he was holding. As he bowed his head, tears started running down his cheeks, he was silently crying, as he prayed.

This was too much. I broke down, crying myself. What does this kid have to worry about? He has his whole life in front of him, he's good looking, friendly, and from the way he dressed he's not from a bad home. So why is he crying? If he only knew the injustices, and all the pain and suffering I have been through, then, he would *have* something to cry about.

He stopped crying for a minute, as he asked "Do you know what today is?"

Being that I was going to end my life, I really didn’t care a whole lot, but then it dawned on me, December 21.

"Well, it’s the longest night of the year, why?" I said with a slight smile, trying hard to hide my own tears and maybe lighten the mood a little.

"NO, you silly, it’s the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year." Then he smiled, as he figured out what I had said.

"Ok, time to go. Life’s too short as it is." He said winking at me. What in the *world* is up with this kid?

It was a real funny feeling that I had, as we left that church, it was if a big burden had started to lift. The feeling of love was entering my heart again. What was happening to me? Justin held my hand tighter as we continued down the street, hanging a left at the intersection, then continuing up the main street.

"Hurry, times running out, and we need to get there fast, so hurry up!" His voice was scaring me. Why was he in such a big hurry and why is time running out?

We were approaching a hospital, which one, I don’t know, when he suddenly started to sprint. Being not in as good shape as I once was, he let go of my hand, and continued at top speed toward the hospital. I tried as hard as I could, but he was over 30 yards ahead of me by the time he was at the front doors. Funny thing, I never saw them open or him actually go in.

Arriving at the front doors, I realized that this was one of the children’s hospitals in the area. I was starting to panic as I felt a chill run down my spine. I pushed the doors open, and looked around. Where did he go? How did he disappear so fast, when I was right behind him?

The nurse at the front desk noticed me breathing hard and obviously looking lost, came over.

"Can I help you?"

"Maybe, there was a kid I was with, about 5' 6" tall, slender, short brown hair, green eyes, blue jeans, grey sweatshirt. Did he come running in here?"

Nurse Joy (yeah that was her name) gave me a surprised look and then turned around, went back to the desk and picked up a phone.

She left so abruptly, I was in more shock than when I entered. When she came back over, she had to grab my arm and shake it to see if I was ok.

"Excuse me sir, but no child fitting that description came in here before you, I was just sitting at the desk over there watching the door, but for some reason, we do have a patient that fits that description here in the ICU."

“ What?" My mind was racing now, unable to grab a hold of any thoughts that would seem reasonable.

"I have asked the director and he said it would be ok this once for young Justin to have one last minute visitor."

“ Ju... Ju... Jus Justin? Did you just say your patients name was Justin? How long has he been here?" My eyes were as big as saucers, as I tried to take all this in.

“Justin was transferred here about three weeks ago and has been in a coma for the last two."

I just about fainted when the nurse said that, for she was leading me over to a chair to sit down.

"NO! I must see him for myself!" I jerked my arm away from her and gave her a stern look.

"Please sir, just take a minute and calm yourself, please. This is a hospital after all, and all of the patients are not well"

"Sorry, really I am, but please let me see for myself if this is the same kid I have spent the last couple of hours with?"

“ Yes sir, follow me, but remember, please be quiet and try not to get upset. Justin isn’t very well at all."

We got into the elevator and went up a couple of floors. When the doors opened, I was overcome with a feeling of dread, I felt the blood draining from my face, and my body start to stiffen.

Once again, Nurse Joy to the rescue, she grabbed my arm and slowly led me down the hall towards the ICU. She stopped a few doors from the end, letting go of my arm, but for some reason I continued to walk down another room or two, stopping in front of one door.

"Go on in. He’s resting now. He doesn’t have much time." She was walking forward now to meet me at the door, as the grin on her face grew.

I gently pushed the door open in case this was just a big misunderstanding and someone’s bad attempt at pulling a prank on me. With the gentle light flowing from the overhead light on his bed, it was no joke. There he was, lying in bed, with tubes and wires protruding from his body. The little bundle of energy that minutes ago, was at my side, and holding my hand. He looked so fragile now, and even more innocent than he did on the bridge. My eyes immediately started to water as I walked over to his bed, sitting gently beside him and held his hand.

"Wha... what’s the matter with him? Sniff"

"He's in dire straights and needs an organ transplant, kidney to be precise, and a bone marrow transplant. But he is so far down the list there won't be a tomorrow for him." She said with tears running down from her own eyes.

"What!" My voice betraying the hurt and anger I was starting to feel. "Sorry, but what do you mean, *exactly*, there won't be a tomorrow for him?"

“ His time is running short, and the doctors don't think he will last the night, he has been on all the national donor lists, but his blood type is so rare, a donor hasn't been found, or come forward yet."

“ Will you test my blood now?!" I said it with so much feeling, that I surprised even myself.

"Yes, if you can wait a few minutes, I will go get the doctor.” As she said this, a warm smile began to grow.

She left the room, and gently closed the door leaving me, a complete stranger, with a young patient whose life was hanging on by a thread.

I looked down at his face, so innocent, so pure. If I had to give him my last drop of blood I would. What did he do to me? Just a short time ago I was ready to end my own life, and now, seeing him in his last hours makes all *my* problems seem insignificant.

The doctor arrived and looked at me and my tear-streaked eyes. He said nothing, but drew the blood needed for the test. As he got to the door, he turned, looked at me, shook his head and left.

"Sorry, but the doctor doesn't want to get anyone’s hope up. We have been trying everything to save lil Justin. Before he slipped into his coma, everyone here just fell in love with him. He was so full of life, and such a lovely young man, sniff, that we... sniff, sniff, we just hate it that we can't do anything to save him." She was about into a full cry now, turning to leave us once again. I am sure she was breaking down right outside the door, for I could hear the sobs of someone crying in the empty hallway.

'Dear God, forgive me, for my temptations to take my own life, but please if you can hear me, please let us be a blood match, sweet Justin needs to live, he is too young, and you have *already* taken too many from me. Please, God, if you are real, please let us survive, both of us, for if we weren't meant to be together, tonight wouldn't have happened. Please God, I am praying, praying from my heart, so please hear me.'

The tears were flowing from my eyes nonstop. What had happened to me? Why did this happen, and why did I have so much love for him, in such a short time?

The door to the room flew open, and there was a flurry of activity going all around us. The doctor handed me a paper to sign, so I could be an organ and tissue donor.

"There is no time to waste. Hurry up and sign. We are racing against the clock and fighting all the odds of this turning out for the better."

I couldn't have signed that paper fast enough, for the anesthesiologist was already there, giving me a shot in preparation for surgery.

"Doc, if anything, make sure he survives, ok? He has to survive, even at the cost of my own miserable life."

“ You both should be fiiinnnneee."

Then the drugs took effect and that was the last thing I heard. Then later, how much, I have no idea, I was slowly coming around. The only thing I could tell was there was another person in the room staring at me. It was a weird feeling of contentment, of just being wrapped in love.

"Good morning."

Wait, I know that voice. I struggled to turn my head so I could see with my own eyes. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! IT WAS. It was Justin staring at me.

"Good morning, back at ya champ!" I had the biggest smile on my face, almost to the point of being painful.

"Thanks, thanks for the best Christmas present ever!" His voice was filled with love and happiness, his own smile, was so warm, it could melt glaciers, as tears started to run down his cheeks.

"Christmas? Have we been out that long?"

“ Nah, just you, the doctors were confused that you seemed to have given up and not wanted to pull through. But I prayed for you last night, telling God the only thing that would make my life worth living now was to be able to spend it with the one person whom I have come to love and the only person willing to sacrifice himself for me."

“ So, I guess we both got what we wanted for Christmas, huh champ?"

Watch for more to come.... In Sean's Angel

Authors Note:

I would personally like to thank all those that helped me decide to start writing, YOU know who you are. And to the ALL the GUYS that helped in the preparation to have this story posted, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart. YOU all deserve a round of applause!

Editor’s Note:

This is a first posted story for this author. I think (hope, pray) that he will continue writing. He has sent me another story and with a little work we may see him as a hosted author here on the Fort. Please send him some encouragement if this story touched your heart. Merry Christmas.
Str8mayb
 

                                                 Sean's Angel