You Ain’t Santa Claus
by: E Walk

(© 2009 by the Author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...

Chapter 6
Oh What a Christmas



After Dan and I crawled into bed, we made the most of the opportunity because he was going to be working the noon to midnight shift for the next five days.  He cuddled against me, “Kirk, are you going to be okay with the two boys?”


I held his face, “Danny, remember, I’m the person who teaches child psychology, and I don’t have the foggiest notion of what is going to happen next.  It’s as if Nate and Ryan have taken over our lives and now we have Brandon and Will to contend with.  I have a feeling they might be going to spend a lot of time here.  Just hold me and let’s get a couple of hours of sleep at least.  Who knows what time the boys will wake up.”


It was almost seven o’clock when I woke up.  I went to the bathroom and Dan joined me in the bathroom as I was brushing my teeth.  He stopped and started to rub his naked body against mine.  “Dan, stop that.  Remember, we have young people in the house.”

Dan started to pout, “See, I told you that you would become a prude if we ever had kids.”


I turned around and kissed him, “Daniel, my dearest, I promise I will make it up to you.  I’ll go fix you a nice cup of coffee.  I can’t believe that we haven’t heard from the Ryan and Nate yet.”


We put on a warm-up suit and were tying our shoes when a little body came into the room.  “Good morning, Dads.  Why are Uncle Brandon and Uncle Will in our bathroom.  They both have big penises like you, but Uncle Will’s looks so different.”


Dan looked up, “Ryan, slow down.  Brandon and Will spent the night because there was an ice storm and Ms. Belton asked if they could stay here.  What do you mean that Will looks so different, and why were you looking at them?”


Poor Ryan was confused, “Daddy, I had to go to the bathroom.  Uncle Will was standing there drying his body and Uncle Brandon was getting into the shower when I needed to go to the bathroom bad.  Uncle Will’s penis is different.  You can’t see the hole that we pee from.”


Ryan wasn’t done.  He pulled down his pajama bottoms.  “Uncle Will has this stuff that is covering the top of his penis.  Why does he have that stuff on it?  Is he afraid that it’s going to get cold?  How does he go to the bathroom?”


I wanted to laugh and I couldn’t think to how to respond, “Ryan, why didn’t you ask Will why he looked different?”


“Daddy, I did.  He said I should talk to you.”


Dan pulled Ryan’s pajama bottoms up and pulled him onto his lap, “Ryan, I’m guessing that Will was never circumcised like the rest of us.”


“Daddy, what does that mean?”


Dan looked at me for help.  “Ryan, when the rest of us were born, our parents wanted to have the extra skin on our penises cut away so we could keep them clean and free from germs like the cooties that are running up and down your body.”


Ryan jumped off the bed, “Dads, when you are willing to talk please tell me, but please don’t try to be funny.”


Dan took charge, “Ryan, go tell your brother to get up.  We’re going to go fix breakfast.”


I looked at Ryan, “Why don’t you eat breakfast in your pajamas since your other clothes are still in the dryer?  Tell Brandon and Will that breakfast will be ready shortly.”


As were walking down the stairs, Dan punched me, “Kirk, me boy, your young son has a fixation with penises.”


I stopped and grabbed Dan’s generous pelvic area.  “I guess it must run in the family.”


We were in the kitchen when Brandon and Will walked in with the two boys.  They were talking about something and I had no idea what it was.


We were just finishing breakfast when the phone rang.  Ryan went to answer, “This is Ryan. … Oh hi, Grandma Belton. … No Santa didn’t come.  Remember, we live with Santa. …  Yep, we just finished breakfast. … Okay, here’s Uncle Will.”


Ryan handed the phone to Will, “What’s up, Mom? …  Okay, we’ll be there as soon as Ryan and Nate open their packages. … Okay, Mom, we will.”


Will looked at us, “Guys, our parents want us to get our butts home.  Would you please open your presents so we can leave?”


The reaction of Ryan and Nate was priceless when they saw the bicycles.  Ryan came and put his arms around me and Nate had backed up against Dan.  Ryan looked up at me, “Daddy, are those really our bikes?”


I dropped down and hugged him, “They’re a little too small for Dad Dan, Uncle Will and Uncle Brandon so I guess so.”


It was like the mice approaching a piece of cheese as the two boys went toward the bicycles.  The four of us were watching as the boys rubbed the fenders with their pajama sleeves.


Will and Brandon went to help the guys on the bikes, “Guys, we need to make sure that your seats are adjusted right so you can reach the pedals.  We’ll teach you to do wheelies when the weather is nice.”


Dan took exception, “Not on my watch you won't.”


The two boys came and sat down beside us and Ryan asked, “Dads, aren’t you going to open your gifts?”


I looked at the boys.  “I’ll tell you what, why don’t we sit down in front of the tree and we’ll open one gift at a time. That way you can help us remember who gave us what.”


Fortunately we had wrapped the gifts from Santa in one kind of paper.  I reached under the tree an pulled out the first gift, “It has a big R on it so it must be for Ryan.”


It seemed like it took Ryan fifteen minutes to open the package and then he folded the wrapping paper and finally opened the box and there was only a pair of bedroom slipper socks but he treated them like they were gold.  He pushed them back under the tree.


The next package was Nate’s slipper socks.  It didn’t take them long to figure out that everything in the certain wrap was for them.  But it still took a lot of cajoling to get them to speed up.  Finally all of the Santa gifts were open and Nate pulled out two small boxes. “Dads, this is all that we have for you this year.  We’ll get a job and then we can get you something bigger next year.”


Dan and I looked at each other as the boys handed us the gifts.  When we opened them we had a key chain and a money clip with the initials of D. and K. 


We hugged the two guys and thanked them.  I had my arm around both of them.  “Guys, it’s not how big the gift is, but the thought behind it that counts.  Now there seems to be one big package under the tree that needs to be opened.”


Dan pulled it out and handed it to the boys, “Nate and Ryan, this is from your Dad and me.”


I had no idea what was in the package, so I was just as surprised as they were when it had an electric train set.  Even Brandon and Will were excited.  Will looked at the pieces, “Guys, you will need to set the track someplace other than here because it won’t work on carpet very well.”


We were interrupted by the phone again.  Nate answered, “This is Nathan Richter, how may I help you? … Okay, Grandma Belton, I’ll tell them.”


Nathan looked at Will and Brandon, “Uncle Will, your mother says you are to get your butts home now.”


Will and Brandon got ready to leave.  They picked up Nate and Ryan hugged them.  They hugged Dan and me and Brandon whispered, “Thanks for everything.  We’ll be back as soon as we can get away.  I’ll bring a piece of plywood for the boys to put their train on.”


As soon as two guys left, I looked at Dan, “Dan, why don’t you call your parents and introduce your new family to them, so they aren’t caught totally by surprise when they come on New Year’s Day?”


Dan punched the numbers, “Hi, Dad, I just called to wish you and Mother a Merry Christmas and to tell you that you had two new grandsons. … Here I’ll let you speak to them.”


He handed the phone to Ryan, “Grandpa Thornton wants to talk to you.”


Ryan took the phone, “Hello, Grandpa Thornton.  Guess what, I got a bicycle from Santa and whole bunch of other things.  Our Daddies gave us an electric train set. … Yep, you can help us set it up when you come.  … Yeah, I’m six and Nate is eight.  … Okay Grandpa, here’s Nate.”


Nate took the phone, “Merry Christmas Grandpa … Yep, Dad Kirk kidnapped us from the abandoned warehouse where we living and brought us here to live with him and Dad Dan.  … Mrs. Belton said it was okay.  … Here’s Dad Kirk.”


Mr. Thornton was laughing when I took the phone, “Kirk, I can hardly wait to see what kind of mess you and Dan have gotten yourselves into this time.  The two boys sound as if they are snake charmers.  We may have to come a couple days early to get to know them.  We’ll call you and tell you when we will be arriving.  Merry Christmas.”


I had just hung up the phone when it started to ring again.  I was still standing there so I picked up the phone.  “This is Kirk Richter.”


“Kirk, this is Mom Thornton; we’ll be there the day after tomorrow.  You two old men have no idea how to take care of young boys.  Let me speak to them.”


I handed the phone to Nate, “Grandmother Thornton wants to talk to you.”


By the time the two boys had finished talking to her I think they had revealed their life histories.  Finally, Ryan handed the phone to Dan, “Your Mommy wants to talk to you.”


The boys and I were listening, “Mom, I don’t think so. … Yes, Mother, I’ll arrange for a physical as soon as I can. … Okay, see you the day after tomorrow.”


Dan looked at me, “Dad Kirk, I think you had better call your parents.  I need to go get dressed.  If their reactions are anywhere near what my parents had, then we’re in big trouble.  We may be sleeping on the floor.”


Dan went to get ready for work and I dialed my parents’ number not knowing if the they were home or not.


Dad answered, “This Pastor Richter.”


“Hi Dad, this Kirk.  I have some news for you.  Danny and I now  have two sons.”


The phone was silent for the longest time.  My Dad finally regained his composure, “I don’t suppose you would care to explain how that could happen since we just talked to you last week.”


I was enjoying this encounter with my Dad, “You knew I was working as part time Santa and I met our oldest son in the mall and then I rescued him and his brother from the abandoned warehouse where they were living.  Would you like to talk to them?”


Poor Dad, I handed the phone to Nathan, “Your Granddad Richter would like to talk to you.”


Nathan was good, “Hi, Granddad Richter, we just called to wish you a Merry Christmas.  Daddy says you are going to come and visit with for the New Year. … Yep, I’m eight and Ryan is six. … Yep, our Dads are trying to spoil us.  … Okay, I’ll put Ryan on.”


Ryan took the phone, “Hi Granddad.  … I guess I’ll be in first grade since I haven’t been to school for a long time. … Hello Grandmother, no I haven’t been to school for a long time because I wouldn’t talk. … Okay, here’s Dad Kirk.


I took the phone and Mom started, “Dan, is Ryan mentally challenged and why couldn't he talk?”


“Mother, Ryan is fine.  The boys have had some unfortunate things happen in their lives.  They are fine now.”


Mom wasn’t too sure, “We’ll find out for ourselves after we get there Sunday after the church services.  Tell Danny hello for us.”


The guys were still in their pajamas when Dan left for work.  I suggested that they might want to wash the new clothes that Santa had brought them and then we could try the bicycles.


The two boys moved rather quickly.  They even sorted their clothes by colors so there wasn’t going to be a problem.  I was putting things in the washing machine when Nate brought the used towels, “Dad, where is everyone going to sleep when our grandparents are here?”


“Son, Dad Dan and I will need to discuss that when he gets home.  We’ll make sure that you and Ryan are okay.”


The boys and I were cleaning up the remnants of the Christmas wrappings and Ryan was making sure all of the gifts were displayed under the tree.  The boys were sitting beside me and we were just watching the tree when the doorbell rang.


The boys were still in their pajamas so they disappeared.  I went to the door and who to my wondering eyes should appear but Mrs. Belton and two little boys.


She looked at me and said, “I hear you have two sons living here so you have nothing to dread.  You’re invited to dinner at four if you can keep that in your head.”


Down the stairs came tumbling the two boys and they stopped when they saw the other two boys.  Mrs. Belton was in rare form, she called the boys by name.  Now Ryan and Nathan, Jimmy and Johnny will be waiting for you at four.  Come so we can wish everyone a Merry Christmas and have a good night.”


With that said, she left before any of us could say anything.  I thought to myself as she was pulling away.  ’No wonder Will is this way.’


I looked at the guys and asked, “What do you want for lunch?”


Ryan looked at me, “Daddy, I’m too excited to eat,  My stomach is bouncing around from all of the excitement today.  Can we just have some soup?”


After lunch we went and changed the bed clothes since we had no idea who would be coming.  It’s a good thing we did because Brandon and Will had made a mess of theirs. 


It was almost four o’clock when I realized that I hadn’t a clue where the Beltons lived.  Fortunately the phone rang, “Dad Kirk, this is Will.  We live at 726 Shannon Road. You and the guys might want to walk here since there are so many cars parked in front that neighbors are screaming.”


Jimmy and Johnny were waiting for us when we arrived and the four boys disappeared.  I don’t even remember who I was introduced to but there were five guys and their wives and their older children who looked as if they were bored.  There were several younger girls but they were busy playing with dolls.


Will sat beside me, “Dr. Kirk, Brandon and I want to thank you and Doctor Thornton for sitting and talking to us.  The stupid thing is that both sets of parents already knew that that we were a couple.  They were just waiting for us to tell them.  Why couldn’t they have just said so instead of making us suffer the agony?”


I hugged Will, “Don’t you know son, that’s what parents do best!”  


To be continued...      



Editor's Notes: Once again we have a great chapter. This is, of course, not a surprise.


Here comes one of my somewhat off topic rambles:


Having never been a parent, I can't completely vouch for exactly what parents do, except that of course, I was once a kid. I had parents, and I am sure that their jobs were to make me as nervous as they possibly could. 


I can still remember that stare that my mom used to give me, when she discovered that I had done something wrong. She did it just to intimidate me.  She gave me that look, and of course, I figured that in some way or another she had found out something that I had done that I shouldn't have. 


Of course like any guy, I had absolutely no idea as to which of my dastardly deeds she had noticed, so being a pretty smart kid, I said, “Okay, I can tell by the way you are looking at me, that I have done something wrong. What did I do?” I held on to the faint but ever decreasing hope that she might actually slip and tell me what she was upset about. Of course I really knew better, but I had nothing to lose, and I figured she might accidentally just say it, before she thought about it. It did actually happen once or twice, if I remember correctly, but not this time.  No such luck. I got her standard answer.  Of course.


Without batting an eye, she uttered the words that I dreaded most of all, “Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you.” 


No male human being, whether he is a man or a boy, wants to hear those words. No matter what, we all know that no good will come of this.


He knows as well as she does that he has certainly done something to displease her, but since he also knows that he has a good chance of having done more than one thing that might upset her, and he has no idea which one, or is it ten things she discovered. The question for any male to ponder is whether to jump in with both feet and tell her what you did, or at least one of them, or try to tough it out.  Believe me when I say that no matter what course of action or inaction you take, you aren't going to win this.  


Let's say, just for giggles, that you found a jar of fermented raspberry jelly in the fruit cellar, and you drank it all, or most of it. You had stayed away from everyone for several hours, keeping a low profile so no one would smell your breath, but you also had broken the leaf rake and had used Elmer's glue to fix it; of course you hoped that no one would notice. 


As you stand there with your mother glaring at you, with those penetrating eyes of hers, you try to figure out which one you should confess to.


Then you remember the vase that you knocked to the floor. That was the vase that her grandmother had brought with her from Spain  when she came over here with her parents. It had smashed into a gazillion pieces.  It had been sitting near the front of one of the shelves in the basement near your baseball glove.  You had carefully cleaned up all the shards and put the pieces in the trash can, hoping that no one would remember that it was there? You have to know that no matter what, you are dead meat. 


Murphy's Law alone should tell you that no matter what you confess to, the one you chose to tell her about is not going to be the one she discovered. So of course, now she knows at least two things that you did that you weren't supposed to be doing.  Aren't you the lucky one?  Of course none of these things ever happened to me. I was always a perfect angel. Of course, if you believe that, I do have the deed to a certain bridge that I am trying to sell real cheap.


I think I had better bring this little mini rant to a close. Just tell her you are sorry and you will never do it again.” Try not to be specific and see if that works.  It won't, but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.


Darryl AKA The Radio Rancher


Posted: 09/04/09