Tales of the Absurd
By: DL
(Copyright 2007 by the Author)

The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at...
dl@tickiestories.us
 

3

Bloody foreigner!

I mentioned in my brief introduction to this disjointed series of tales that my predecessor as System Manager had this habit of keeping her users in line by ensuring that they knew only the absolute minimum consistent with being able to do their jobs. [So much that even the system manuals were kept locked away in a filing cabinet that even I didn't have a key to – in fact, I didn't find out where they were until Sally left and I took over!]

You may well have heard this before, but at the time I hadn't and consequently it amused me very much: a colleague some years later was describing Sally's managerial technique to an associate from a sister company; "Ah, she used that one as well did she? We have it at our place: we call it the 'Mushroom Principle'." My colleague Rick, for it was he, innocently asked our visitor: "Why'd you call it that?" He laughed and replied "Because it fairly resembles the way you grow them: keep them in the dark and pile shit on them regularly!"

Sally would always answer questions by users about how they did something, but not before carefully considering each request to see if said user was trying to run an endgame past her and acquire some illicit and unnecessary, possibly dangerous, knowledge. My favourite example of this was one day when Sally was supposed to be showing me the basics of data conversion for our typesetting system. Rick wandered into Sally's office to collect his coat at dinner-time [he used the peg on Sally's far wall to hang it away from the hoi polloi] as he entered Sally's office he casually said "Hi, Sally; what's the time?" Sally turned her attention away from the screen and me and looked up at Rick as she instinctively answered with her trademark riposte, "Why you want to know?" I sat there trying hard to suppress the fit of the giggles that had quickly possessed me (successfully, too!) while Rick was completely lost for words; Sally recovered first and giggled as she checked her watch before supplying the requisite information.

I also said in the intro that I was Sally's deputy as I was the only member of management who had any idea about computing: this is absolutely true. It was felt by the board that the investment in our new system was such that it required oversight by someone who knew the company and had its interests at heart [Sally was, remember, as new as our system!]

It was, naturally enough, given my inquisitive nature and Sally's belief in the best way to keep people in line, always going to be an 'interesting' relationship. And so it proved. My Friend – we still talked back then – often bitched to me about Sally's annoying habit of not arriving for work until mid-afternoon [usually as most of the workforce – including My Friend – were leaving!] I have to be honest and say that at the time I didn't understand the rationale behind Sally's working practices; now that I occupy her position it's a technique I too have adopted, LOL! [Sally always complained to Ivan when questioned about her late arrival: "No point getting here sooner, donkeys keep stopping me doing my job!" The 'donkeys' referred to, were, he eventually elicited, my colleagues!]

Anyway, having given you a little more insight into the normal modus operandi of Sally, let's get to the real meat of this little episode.

Sally at the time had a company car [a Volkswagen Golf] and lived in London (some 80 miles away). Unfortunately, she had two problems that continually caused the boss some irritation [and I was grateful for this later, as it helped take some of the heat off my own motoring misdemeanours when I, too, was given a company car LOL!]: The first was that she usually had an accident at least once every year [minor though it may have been] and the second was that the area of London she lived in was regarded as fair game by petty thieves on the prowl for car radios to steal!

Sally had lost three car stereos in two years, and they had all been replaced [and the ancillary damage, like smashed windows or jemmied doors, fixed by the insurers]. In desperation Ivan had bought a much more expensive 'face-off' stereo [one where the front is removable, making it unusable] and had that installed when the third one was stolen.

Sally, however, had had the misfortune to attend a party and on returning home in the early hours of the next morning, she forgot to take her stereo out and into her home with her. Predictably enough, a thief did indeed smash the passenger window and steal it! Sally had confessed this much to me when I'd asked her why she'd changed her parking place! [I said I was inquisitive didn't I?] Realising that I'd noticed her change of habit [and this from someone who, like myself, religiously did things the same way every time!] she had enlightened me ruefully as to the reason behind the change.

Anyway, I had promised to keep Sally's guilty secret, and Sally was waiting for an opportune moment to broach the subject to Ivan [i.e. when he was in one of his rare good moods!] Thus on the Monday of the week following my noticing Sally's mishap, we [that is, Ivan, My Friend and I] were anxiously awaiting her arrival as there had been a problem with our Data General system that was outside our experience: people were sitting around doing nothing [always good to get The Boss worked up that!]. In desperation rather than expectation, Ivan had rung Sally and left a message on her answering machine – he did so several times in fact!

So, there we were, unable to do any of the pressing work because our system was crashed, waiting anxiously for our little Chinese genius to arrive and save the day! My Friend, Rick and I were sitting in my office discussing how best to arrange the workforce so that when – assuming that we did! – we got our system back we could do our best to try and make up for lost time.

As we talked, I saw Sally [my desk faced inwards so I could keep an eye on things] storm through the fire door at the head of the stairs from reception and sweep through keyboards and into the data suite. The fire door had a 'closer' that ensured it shut, but prevented it being slammed. The data suite main entrance didn't: my two colleagues jumped [their backs had been to the building as they had been facing me] as the violence that our diminutive little Chinese Geek exerted ensured that it really did slam!

They looked up (along with everyone else!) and saw the partition walls of the data suite still vibrating and then they looked at me. I rose, shrugging my shoulders, and said "I guess I'd better go see what the matter is!" and exited my office and made my way over to the data suite, entered and passed through into Sally's office.

It was apparent even as I entered that all wasn't well, so I did my best to make soothing noises and gently tried to establish what it was that had angered our little virago. Sally eventually calmed down a little in response to my entreaties and I eventually got her to settle down and said I'd get her a coffee whilst she composed herself. She accepted my offer and I scurried off to carry out my errand of mercy.

Returning sedately to Sally's office, clutching two cups of coffee [one for me as well!], I gave her hers and sat and waited as she sipped at it. Once we'd both had a few sips, as she seemed much more relaxed, I ventured once more to enquire what was the matter.

Sally responded, but was obviously still distressed – so much so that she kept lapsing into pidgin English [Sally speaks English as well as I do, and has a vocabulary that, while not as extensive as mine, could certainly be classified as above average!]

"What's wrong?" I asked, "Silly fool pulled out in front of me!" I deduced that we were in motoring terrain. "Have you had an accident?" I ventured. "Yes, I coming down hill and silly fool pulled out in front of me, I couldn't avoid him!" she replied. "Which hill, when did it happen and are you alright?" was my rejoinder.

It says much for how badly distressed she was that she didn't even analyse my questions as normal [LOL], but just simply answered them! "Just now, coming down Tut Hill." she replied. "But you're OK?" I persevered. Sally looked at me and said with exasperation "Of course I'm OK, but what shall I tell Ivan?"

Recognising this as a plea for help, and being as already admitted, often in similar circumstances, I could empathise with this, and so I set about calming Sally and extracting the salient details of the latest mishap. I was doing quite well and consequently Sally had calmed down and started to give me a lucid walk through of the events, and this was where I came unstuck!

"I was minding my own business driving down Tut Hill, and as I passed the second lot of houses on the left, you know the ones" I nodded agreement "when this big, long, estate-type car backed out in front of me. I swerved right to avoid it, but there wasn't enough distance and he was too fast!" She explained.

"So, he backed out, and you hit him?" I sought clarification. "Yes, I couldn't avoid catching the back of his blasted car with mine as I swerved to avoid him." Sally said with a bit more of her usual fire returning. "So, no-one was hurt though?" I sought to establish how bad things were. "No, after we collided I managed to stop in a drive about thirty yards down the hill and I walked back to the other car." she explained.

This next bit is where my downfall came: "I hadn't seen what type of car it was when it backed out, but as I walked up to the drive he had pulled back into, it was obviously an American station wagon. My heart sank when I saw it, and the driver was still sitting behind the wheel, so I walked round it to him and asked for his insurance details." Sally explained "And then he got out and gave me his driving license and I realised it really was a bloody foreigner!"

Hopefully you can see why this triggered my reaction and the resulting chain reaction. I lost it, the thought of my little Chinese friend staring at the photo driving license of an American serviceman following a motoring accident was almost too much; Sally didn't lose any time in encompassing my downfall. "I just stared at his license in disbelief and said 'Oh no, not another bloody foreigner!' without thinking about it." she finished. I couldn't help myself, I had been sipping on my coffee again as Sally finished her explanation and hadn't quite seen where it might lead. As she came out with the last part of her explanation I half-choked on my coffee whilst struggling like mad to suppress the gales of laughter that were trying to escape from my body.

I lurched for the door, holding my hand over my mouth to stop me spewing coffee over all the computers and crashed out of the main data suite door with a terminal velocity not too dissimilar to that with which Sally had entered, spat the coffee out as I did so into the wastepaper bin next to the Xerox printer and literally ran for the toilets, heaving with suppressed mirth as I did so.

My Friend and Rick had remained in my office to await my return with news of what was afoot. They heard the crash as I exited the data suite, turned to see what the hell was going on [missing me spewing my coffee in the wastebin] only to see me looking distressed and galloping off at a very fast rate of knots for the toilets. Once inside the washroom I hastily locked myself inside a cubicle and collapsed on the floor, unable any longer to stop myself laughing. I was convulsed. And worse, every time it eased I thought about Sally's remark and lost it again.

I know now that I was left alone for over five minutes before anybody – as they didn't know what had transpired between Sally and I – plucked up the courage to come and try to find out what the matter was. It has to be said that as both Sally and I had a reputation for having a temper and also for losing it to a degree on the odd occasion, this can be excused.

Eventually My Friend persuaded Rick that the safest bet was for he – Rick – to try establishing from me what had transpired. Thus Rick made his way to the washroom and knocked on the outer door, calling out "Dave, you in there? Are you OK?" I managed between bursts of laughter to call out "Yeah" and Rick entered the washroom. He soon realised that I was in the grip of an uncontrollable fit of laughter and realising [to his credit] that he was unlikely to be able to stop it, he said loudly "Will you come and see us when you've recovered?" I answered in the affirmative. It took me about another five minutes to partially recover, whereupon I joined them both in my office, carefully closing the door behind me. "So, what happened?" My Friend enquired and I lost it again as I started to explain.

Eventually I managed to get the whole sequence of events out to my attentive audience and they, like me, could appreciate the humour in the situation. Fortunately I was now, having had three attempts to tell them the whole story, starting to get over it. "I'll just go and have a quick look at her car and then go back to her." I finally said.

Investigation of Sally's Golf revealed that she had indeed scraped it all down the front wing and passenger door. After having a careful look at it, I returned to Sally's office, apologising for my sudden and hurried exit; explaining that I'd swallowed some coffee the wrong way.

Sally and I chatted for a while, and I managed to get her to sort out our crashed network before I left her with a parting thought. "Well, the side of your car's beat up, so that'll mean the broken window can be fixed quietly." I said, looking for a silver lining. Sally brightened a bit at this and I suggested that she should pop down and tell Ivan the bad news before he had a chance to ask about the state of the system as this would be uppermost in his mind and would distract him [he would be too eager to ensure all was well with the network and pass her mishap over!]

Further Tales may follow

 

Posted: 09/14/07