Tool-Shed Memoires

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Author's note: I submit this chapter in memory of ben tover, aka h.s., aka Hank Snow. We were working on the remaining parts of this story when he took ill. He was also doing the editing which is why there has been such a long delay in posting the rest of this story. Unfortunately, he never recovered. I was able to recover these remaining chapters and am attempting to edit them. I hope that you continue to enjoy his humor which borders on zany and his brilliance shown in his method to learn how to spell. If this chapter brings a smile to your face please consider lighting a candle
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=HankS in memory of Hank and say a little prayer that the Saints in Heaven are now enjoying the Hank Snow show and laughing the halos off!

The city allowed for the Civic center to be turned into the two full kitchens that would be needed for the event and famous celebrities were invited to be the judges including, whats his name, the actor who played the doctor on the Startrek series, handsome Bobby Flay from the Food channel, Dom Delouise, representing compulsive eaters, Kelly Deforest, the city fire marshal of world renown for his fire house cooking and Nick Desnude of the Jeffrey Dahmer Culinary Institute.

Once all was ready, all eyes were on Scotty, the chairmen, to announce the secret ingredient.

In another part of this sordid tale, a piece of tail, named Josh, was high-tailing it to the bunk-house, where he was promptly assailed by the four ranch-hands, who pulled a tailored, black cloth-sack over his head and down to his waist, and tied it there, which entailed trapping his hands in the process. His tail was then exposed, as the hands stripped him from the waist down, totally ignoring his yells and pleas in the process. The detail then re-booted him, and hoisted him by those boots to a position hanging from a rafter in the bunk-house, where they then removed the undetailed-bag from his upper (now lower) body, hastening to blind-fold and gag him quickly, so as to not let him see who his assailants were, and to secure his hands behind his back.

He hung there, a perfect vision of self-righteously indignant demi-godliness, twisting, trying to yell, jerking ... and soon, sobbing.

It was almost time for the beginning of Josh's reward to begin, and all that entailed ... the cowboys stripped out of their work-duds in preparation for the three days Sandy had given them to have their fun with the oh-so-deserving Josh.

The ranch hands had driven in a caravan to the arena tailing behind Flemming's Limo. Once everyone had taken their places the chairman was introduced as the chairperson, at the insistence of the Princess, who would announce the secret ingredient from which the two master chefs would have to confect a four course meal with the secret ingredient in each. There would also be a strict time limit and only those meals plated would be scored. Points were given for chuck wagon authenticity, farting power or gasiness, spiciness, flavor and presentation.

"The secret ingredient is lox and bagel! No! Just kidding! It's bull semen!" Scotty intoned mirthfully to the assembled crowd.

In a state of near-shock at his rough use in the bunkhouse, our doughty Josh was still a blur of motion and an earful of muffled sounds as he hung from the rafter, being admired and lusted after by the four very interested observers there. After watching him for a long while, giving him time to calm down a bit, the four began a silent assault on his person, with their hands ... feeling him sensuously all over his body, lightly ... gently brushing against the soft, downy hairs of his legs and arms, just barely skimming his delicate scrotum and penis, and in general, conveying to him an all-pervasive sense of well-being, to which he responded with more twisting but less noise ... just moaning.

Let the competition begin!" Yelled the Chairman. (the princess looks over at the author with a stare that was spiked) I mean, said the Chairperson.

Each cook (another sharp stare from both contestants), I mean chef began to gather up the different sized containers containing the bovine essence and carried them back to the preparation areas.

James, to no one's surprise, immediately began breaking eggs, but then calmed down and had the prep chef that he was man-handling prepare scrambled eggs to mix with the semen and begin his world famous souflée d'essence du boef.

Josh was unaware of the culinary fête taking place elsewhere ... he was only thinking along the lines of, 'What the fuck's going on here?' The pleasuring had only just begun, however ... and, as the four observing participants were well aware, hanging upside-down for too long can have a deleterious effect on one's well being, they scooted a low bunk over to a place right under Josh's dangling form and slowly lowered him down and positioned him onto the bunk, while undoing his arm-restraints and re-restraining him to the bunk in a quick and efficient operation. Josh was uncooperative, in that his thrashing suddenly increased, as did his sound-effects.

The Princess, not to allow James to upstage her/him or whatever, (evil stare) (Sorry! I couldn't help myself) ripped the pants off her prep chef and wacked him off until he came and she could mix his essence with that of the secret ingredient.

Then s(he) began mixing the elixir with Whiskey and soda, making a quite rare recipe for a high ball flavored sorbet for dessert.

While the Princess prepared her mixologically-correct brew for the judges' approval, Josh was having his crotch attacked by four tongues and eight hands ... he was being pleasured to an extreme not known in modern erotic literature, and only once mentioned in the highly-respected and oft-quoted Necronomicon ... his sounds now were of one barely able to retain conscious control due to a near total abandonment to the ecstasy being transmitted to his brain's pleasure-centers. The four lust-driven cowboys were behaving themselves and were staying to the script they'd worked out with Sandy, to wit, 'Slow and easy wins the race!'

James then took a loin of pork, and using a skewer ran it through thus creating a long hollow center which he then filled with a mixture of baking soda, buffalo bull cum and various secret spices and corn starch. He explained to the announcer, that as the meat would cook, the heat would gradually reach the center, thus causing the internal gravy to spew forth from one end of the horse-cock shaped meat. You see it is a self basting loin of pork... or as we call it back home a "porky pig."

Porky Pig would have gladly sold his belovéd Petunia for pork roasts, if it had meant being able to trade places with Josh at that juncture ... as Dark and Jess each tenderly and excruciatingly sensuously suckled on one of Josh's balls, Hal nibbled, gently, on his cock's shaft and DL tried as hard as he could to work his tongue down into Josh's urethra ...unsuccessfully but very delightfully. Josh, by now, was sweating heavily from the exertions and palpitations he was being forced into, as wave after nearly-unbearable wave of joy flooded his being ... he felt as if his cock were twenty times larger than normal, due to it's unspeakably kind treatment at the hands (and mouths) of his captors.

Thinking about how Josh should be hanging from the rafters back in the bunk house, it, he or she (choose one) decided to make home make pork sausage a la leit. So the Princess took some nice lean pieces of pork, and some veal for extra tenderness and put the meat through the grinder attachment to her mixer. After lacing it generously with the creme d'cum and other picante spices, he began to stuff the intestines rather hurriedly as she wanted enough time to stuff her/his its sous chef's intestines as well.

James in the meantime was working on a fish stock consumé a la cum du calf's. (You may wonder how they get the cum from a calf, but it isn't taken from a new born, but rather a bull that is still a virgin).

Pardon, you ask how they know that it's still a virgin? Well they use a CB 1500 of course!

Josh would not have fared well with a CB-anything while this was taking place, as it would have hampered his reward-crew from doing their appointed tasks, and they would not have tolerated any abbreviation of the good work they intended to do. Dark was pulling at the bit, wanting to swallow Josh's cock to the root, but held back as they'd agreed ... it was driving him crazy, this slow approach, but they'd all seen the logic in it, so he restrained himself ... for now, at least.

DL and Hal, eager to increase their input, had each inserted moistened fingers into Josh's flaring rosebud, which had been thinking to itself, 'Thank GAWD! I was beginning to wonder if I was chopped liver, heah!' and gratefully began to throb around the most welcome intruders.

Back on the prep table, James' assistant was trying to make a tossed salad while James busied himself juggling his balls with his tongue while trying to remember the ingredients necessary to make a cum vinaigrette.

On the other side of the iron chef arena, the prince(ss) was working on his/her special recipe for cheese balls. Using real cows milk, she make fresh ricotta cheese which after spicing with fresh green garden herbs, formed into balls, breaded and fried. She then make a dipping sauce with a caviar-cum base with a sprig of fresh mint which should be chewed but not eater after downing the balls, in order to refresh the breath and prepare the pallate for the next course. S(he) then began to prepare a cumquat soup du jour.

In the shadows, Dark was reaching that point of no return ... he wanted cock in his mouth NOW ... and just as soon as there was an opening, he shoved his starved lips up to the head of the cock, and began to consume it ...

... but the three other equally-starved cowboys would have none of that, and gently but firmly restrained him before he'd gotten even a quarter of the succulent offering down his gullet. They were all learning a lot about self-control ... but Dark, having been the first one to have to be restrained by his buddies, felt slightly shamed by his greediness, and resumed his labors with a chastened countenance, somewhat pinkened by the deep blush he was now sporting.

To insure that the line-crossing Dark was truly repentant, however, Hal reached over and gave his balls in a nice, tight grip ... as a reminder to behave.

For dessert, James wanted to serve a cold glass of milk with a few Oreo cookies. However, the creme centers of the Oreos would be replaced by smoother cream that would be softened after adding the secret ingredient. James instinctively knew that things tended to get softer after cumming them.

The Frog Prince still needed an accompaniment for his/her main course and decided on the confection of a nice suffering suckatash au gratin only the gratin would be more of a cum custard.

Suffering suck-er would have described our shadowy Knight of the Dark back in the bunkhouse ... he was back at the lower crotch now, but had begun to tongue the perineum of the bound Josh, and was headed south, towards the lower Joy-Portal, with his Weapon of Moist Insertion ... if only the other three would allow him to go so far.

DL had seen Hal's gripping of Darl's balls, and had shared a grin with Hal ... he now added his own hand to the chastening by grasping Dark's hard and heart-beat-throbbing cock in one large, calloused working-cowboy's hand, and gently squeezing down on it, to temper it's lust just a bit for Dark.

Although James had his meal ready before the Princess ... women always take longer to cum ... [e v i l s t a r e][well, its true!] he was almost disqualified from the competition because his prep-chef suffered from delayed-orgasm. Right down to a photo-finish, James whipped his pork-loin out of its zippered-oven just in time for the audience to witness it self-baste. The cum-filling oozed perfectly out one end, and all the judges could be seen licking their lips in anticipation of wolfing down James' loin of pork, slurping it down with the sick suck-atash of the wickéd Prickéd Princess. [Repeat three times.

The throbbingly be-prickéd Josh was unaware ... period. He didn't know anything at that moment, but instead was absolutely lost, a new citizen in a fantastic new universe of rapturous well-being and joy. He had no sense of time, but was very much aware of the breathing, and the quiet moans of several Men around him ... and was aware, too, of their powerful, pheromone-laden, musty Man-scents, which so enhanced the experience that he felt constantly as if he were about to blow his wad. He'd long since forgotten to ask himself questions about what, why, or who ... this was heaven.

It was now time to present their dishes to the renowned judges the five prepared dishes of each combatant. Since ladies go first, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that James would present first. He placed therefore a green salad in front of each judge and explained that it had been drizzled with a cum base vinaigrette.

The first Judge, Judy, realized she was on the wrong show and went screaming out of the arena saying there was no way in that she was going to each a cum salad unless it had her husbands vinaigrette on it, which was a pretty safe bet, since he hadn't been able to cum since she became so judgmental. James then pushed the salad over to Judge Kelly Forest who took a fork-full of cum dripped lettuce.

Jess now rose and stepped back to his foot-locker, known to the denizens of the bunk-house to contain a wide array of instruments of pleasure ... and torture. He withdrew one of his favorites, a vibrating dildo, quite long and thick, which, for the added vibratory-power of its 1.5-horsepower motor, was plugged directly into a wall-socket. He knew that if used inappropriately, a victim could be forced to cum repeatedly until there was no cum left to spew ... and well beyond that point. He intended to drive it deeply up into the bound Prometheus on the bunk, and start it up ... on slow-vibrate, for starters.

Each judge in turn then sampled James' green salad. Most turned green themselves including the Princester, but his/her green was from envy.

"That dressing reminded me of a morning dew drop, very fresh and a crystal clear taste." Said Deforest.

Dom Delouise said nothing because his mouth was so full of a the honeymoon sandwich (lettuce alone) he was still eating and just moaned his approval.

Bobby Flay commented that it had a nice Smokey-the-bear favor. The other judges just wondered where and how he had tried Smokey's essence.

Jeffrey said that the salad was to die for and Nick des Nude, his student, suggested that he would like to take a bath in the salad dressing, which made Jeffrey lick his lips in anticipation.

Ovid's 'Metamorphoses' contained no reference to a change like the one Josh was being led through ... his entire being was being finely tuned into a pleasure reception device ... even Juno on a bad day would not have wrought such a transformation upon a mortal, as it was both wonderful and horrible ... and Juno, as the reader will remember, was one bad-ass bitch on par with the dark princess herself.

Next on James' exotic menu was his cum consumé. The judges liked that the broth was clear, and although James had used various herbs to spice the soup, he had placed them in a sachet, so that nothing would remain visible, except how he sashayed his butt-cheeks before each judge, just as he served them.

Then came James' píéce de resistance: his pork loin, which still had pre-cum hanging from the end. DeForest noted that it reminded him of a deer that was once caught in a fire, and how succulent it had tasted. Dom DeLouise was still finishing the consumé left in everyone else's bowls. Nick said that his meat was very tender, but since he hadn't tried the tender loin yet, everyone wondered if he had stopped by the bunk house and banged Josh before coming over to the competition. Once Jeffrey got a taste of the loin, he said he'd give 'a right arm' (not his own of course) to take the left-overs home with him!

Josh was not aware of the torture his torturers were in themselves ... going as slowly and measuredly as they were ... nor would he have found any sympathy for their plight ... but they were about to torque down and rev up the operation ... just a bit ... while doing their level-best to make sure that Josh did not cum before their time together was finally done. Then, and only then, would Josh be allowed to explode into a fiery super-nova of life-affirming neural-overloading.

Accordingly, the vibrating dildo was cranked up a bit, and Hal took charge of rocking it in and out of the quivering fuck-chute, slowly and teasingly, resting its tip right on those cock-hungry fuck-lips to give them a vibrato-treatment guaranteed to make Josh just one little bit more lust-crazed.

Next came the accompaniment, and in walked Al Hirt playing his trumpet, to introduce James' soufflé royale. The crowd was a hush, fearing that it might flop before it was served, knowing that if it did, all their asses would be fucked by a ravenous James. Luckily the cities' asses were spared, (What? no, I wrote spared not speared, sorry) as James proudly displayed his creamy masterpiece. All the judges savored the extraordinary aroma and flavors of the plate to die for.

Each judge commented favorably, except for Dom who was stuffing his pockets with a pork loin and some of James' meat too. Dahmer was so impressed he invited James over to his place for dinner one night. DL was having a delightful time nursing on a pair of pink-eggs, and enjoying the effect his efforts were having ... as he'd roll the orchid-named orbs around in his mouth ... no mean feat, given their plumpness and fullness ... Josh would respond with a moan here, a twist there, a grunt or jerk other times ... making DL feel that his contribution had real value. It was just icing on the cake when Dark's lips and his would 'accidentally' meet while in action, allowing for a fleeting exchange of tonguery.

Finally, it was time to sample James' dessert as well as taste his last course which, as the reader will remember, except for those of your with Alzheimer's, (but don't worry about them, this is the tenth time that they have read this chapter), his cold and fresh glass of milk a la cum filled Oreo cookies.

Each judge dipped his cookie and tasted it simultaneously and within seconds the table they were sitting at began to rise!

"Eureka, you have found a cheap substitute for Viagra! Dom said with a mouth full of cookies.

It was now time for the wicked witch of the west to fly to the stage on her broom and sweep the judges off their feet with the contents of her cauldron. (Evil stare & and curse, POOF *, shit she changed me into my sub coauthor. What am I saying? I am now the dom author, smart, debonair, handsome, ever so handsome, but why is Judge Jeffrey flirting with me?)

The dark princess first served her cheezy balls and then her fried cheese balls.

Bobby Flay observed that they would go very well with James' loin of pork. The evil bitch (oops, POOF * OMG she turned me back) sneered at the mere mention of her minion, James.

Hal's cell-phone started bleeping in his locker, on the other side of the bunk-house, and he stepped away from the four cowboys to take the call ... 'It has ta be Sandy,' he thought to himself.

Hal, feeling like he'd just been skull-fucked, said, articulately enough, “Huh? We're just getting started, Boss!”

Sandy laughed, and said, “Your three hours were up a while ago, Hal ... having too much fun or something?”

Sandy laughed again, and said, “Well, yeah! What did ya think I meant ... three days???” He paused, and then added, “I want the five of you ta head out down south and get the rest of those fences repaired, ASAP!”

Hal, fighting back heart-felt tears, could simply say, “You got it, Boss,” and heard Sandy hang up.

Dom thought that the Princess's balls tasted a bit salty but understood that he/she/it was under a lot of pressure trying to serve a meal and get five judges off at the same time. Well, Okay, four judges, we all know that Jeffrey couldn't get it up to save someone's life!

Next, the Jewish American Princess served her cumquat soup d'jour, Behind her back, they each spit it out, but fearing being turned into a frog and then ending up in one of her next's meals as an entreé all complimented her dish. Except for Jeffrey who asked for the recipe, thinking he could save some money on sleeping pills with this soup.

Hal put the phone back in his locker and returned to his partners in lust, motioning to them to step away from Josh.

“Wrong number ...” he said, enjoying the effect this had on his buds, but quickly added, in correction, “That was Sandy ... he's sayin' he gave us three hours, not three days, ta do this thing here ... wants' us ta head out now, to fix the rest of the fences on the south end. It ain't fair, pards!” and he looked as if he would start crying at any moment.

DL, literary giant of the bunk-house, cryptically muttered, “ ... a Movable Feast...” and then smiled at his buddies, almost evilly, saying, “We continue our fun, taking turns with him, and getting the fences done, too! Jist throw him, all trussed up, over a horse and bring 'im along! Ya think? Long as we remember ta slather 'im good with sun-screen!”

The three were so relieved that they all kissed DL ... brotherly kisses, they were ... and agreed that that was what they'd do.

"Before we continue with the contest, we would like to announce the winner of our raffle. My I have the winning ticket please. Said the chairmen who flashed a wink at the princess, while waiting for the stub to be pulled from a large wire-mesh drum. "Our winner of a 30 cubic foot freezer is Mr. Jeffrey Dahmer!" Congratulations, Judge Jeffrey.

And to accompany your prize here is a certificate which entitles you to an Internet-course on how to be a butcher.

It was a mere twenty minutes later when the group of four mounted (and dressed) cowboys led a fifth horse, bearing a hog-tied (and naked) Man, south from the bunk-house, on a covert mission of lust.

The naked Josh, senses tied in knots over the past three-plus hours, was slowly roasting in the sun and rapidly getting seasick from the awkward way he was being bounced along on his mount ... he'd have done anything for a Dramamine tablet ... his cock and balls conveniently pulled back and exposed to the sun's direct glare (and any errant flying hands wishing to approach and caress them) ... he was beginning once again to question his plight, and was wanting answers.

Dom Delouise happened to look were everyone had spit their cumquat soup d'jour and noticed that it had burned holes in the floor. He gulped, because he hated to spit anything out, but that soup was so galling that even an obsessive compulsive like himself found the taste bordering between roadkill and rancid.

The gothic dark princess who made Morticia of the Adam's clan seem like a cheerful cruise director, next served her pork sausage which she served on Alasace-Loraine style sauerkraut. Each judge was leery about trying the torpedo shaped bombs. Jeffrey known to have the most eclectic taste was the first to stab one with his fork. The others could have sworn that it yelped. Suddenly, Dom noticed that Blanche was missing. He had hoped to pass his portion to the dog under the table. He suddenly noticed that Jeffrey was pulling what looked like a dog collar out of his mouth.

Josh's balls and cock were toasting up to a very nice pink, as the four thoughtful cowboys had thoughtlessly neglected to slather SPF-75 lotion on them when they did the rest of his handsome and adorable body. He began a constant and low moaning ... both from nausea and from the ever-increasing pain coming from his continuously sun-bathed naughty-bits.

When Bobby Flay tried to stick his fork into one of the sausages, Nick des Nude, screamed and grabbed his cock and when running off the judges dais. "Gee and I tried to take the smallest one, I wonder what bothered him?"

The DP, bit her lip as soon as she realized that she had mixed up the recipe for Italian sausage with her book on voodoo dolls. So she tried move on to her accompaniment and while serving the suck-o-tash, she made sure to push the damn sausages on to the floor. She failed to notice that they immediately began trying to hump the judges' legs.

Josh was humping ... in the very worst of ways, he thought ... and as the sun continued its non-stop roasting of his most prized (and useful) parts, Hal intoned to DL, "I can't fuckin' wait till we can start back up givin' ol' Josh back there his reward!" and he grinned what passed for a sexy smile at DL, who co-conspiratorially grinned back, revealing an inch-long shred of spinach, left between his teeth from this morning's soufflé á là James.

“He's damned lucky it's us givin' 'im his reward, I can tell ya that! Some fellers 'ould be downright mean to 'im, in a case like this!” added DL, the wind gently wafting his spinach-garland to and fro as he talked.

Josh, not hearing this exchange, felt as if he were in DL's proposed 'worst scenario' already, and the volume of his moaning increased as the delicate flesh in his nether-regions began to dry out and crack.

The darkened black Princess, seeing that the judges were somewhat less impressed with her culinary gifts, began to panic but then remembered his/her special desert. "Boys, this goes back to my great, great grandmother, Brunhilda."

"What recipe???!!! This custard was down in the cellar next to her tomb!" said the gothic man/lady, as she placed the slimy, black mold-covered custard before each judge, momentarily forgetting about the contest.

As Jeffrey continued to savor the sausage, Bobby leaned over towards him and said, "I believe you are eating Blanche the dog!"

"This is an outrage! I have never heard of anything so inhumane in all my life!" said Sir Jeffrey and yelled. “How dis-gus-ting!”

Dark Shadows and Jess Immerser were riding side by side, and were also discussing their fervent desire to get it on again with the ever-tasty Josh. They both paused momentarily to take long swigs of cool, fresh water from their canteens, and then, after sleeve-wiping his dripping mustache, Dark said, I think I'll slow up and give his balls a nice squeeze, just ta let 'im know he's in good hands, and grinned at Jess, who-d been thinking of a stripe or two across Josh's ass with his lasso would do nicely.

Josh's mouth was so dried out he couldn't feel his tongue ... his efforts to scream were feeble at best, however, and not mainly due to the gag filling his mouth.

James won the contest hands down the pants of the judges, but screamed when he grabbed Nick's cock from the pin prick.

Four of the judges demanded Pepto Bismol after trying the DP's slop. Nick however, feel instantly in love with the she beast, mistakingly believing that the pin pricks in his cock were pangs of love. He thought that the shivers of fear that ran up and down his spine whenever the dark one look at him was sign of kismet. He felt such a strong urge to be held captive of her dungeon like heart.

While the other judges lodged their protests, Dom was sampling the grandmothers aged cheese custard and (POOF *) he was turned into a giant frog. (Opps wrong story) he already looked like a huge frog enjoying his shoo fly pie!

Dropping behind the other three cowboys to get alongside the Josh, Dark looked forward to giving Josh the squeeze he deserved, to reassure him. It was a moment or two till he was even with the nearly well-done replica of a studlet, and the work-gloved hand of the oh-so-caring Dark Shadow reached over to give those no-doubt cum-filled balls a nice li'l squeeze ... and when his be-leathered fingertip touched the almost-incinerated flesh ...

Josh let loose with a scream the likes of which would be hard to replicate in Hollywood ... his legs jerked so fiercely and wildly that he was flipped over the horse's back and onto his own, landing on the dusty ground, mercifully unconscious.

All Dark could say was, “Uh-oh ....” as the other three horsemen pulled up to investigate the horrific cry of pain they'd just heard.

Josh cry was heard all the way back in the city center as the mountains served as a sort of natural megaphone. Hearing the cry, Flemming got down on his knees and put his ear to the ground. One man down, unconscious, several mounted cowboys... sounds to me that Sandy has everything in order as usual. Then moving up to the stage he presented James with a golden speculum. The announcer called Flemming's attention to the fact the the award was supposed to be a golden spatula.

"Oh, don't worry about it. James will give this just as much use." Flemming quipped and then unconsciously rubbed his rose bud which was still sore from the last time that James deviled his eggs.

And thus concluded the Iron chef contest of the Tool Shed Memories for this year. Any reader interested in completing for the next season should plan to spend a two weeks out at the ranch where there will be a preliminary sampling of your favorite recipes which will be examined closely by James. All recipes must be originals and family and friends of the authors, editors or of the managers of this site are not eligible. Transportation to the ranch can be arranged by Scotty.

[author's note: This story remains incomplete due to a long illness which resulted in my co-author's untimely death. I trust that it brought a smile to your face as well as an awareness of the genius of h.s. May he rest in peace as his humor continues to reverberate in our hearts.

Hank, there will never be another you. I will miss you until we meet in the eternal oubliette!]

Dear Readers:

If you would like to add to Hank's memorial tributes email me and I will send them to the webmaster. We all will miss Hank dearly!