Crosscurrents
By: Adam Phillips
(© 2005-2010 by the author)
He was doing it again.
Shane had become hyper-vigilant about avoiding the showers when Kyle was anywhere nearby, but he'd come off the practice field on a post-workout high after Coach Miller had heaped an unusual amount of praise on him, and the afterglow was causing him not to be paying as much attention. He'd been holding court with some of the other guys as they came off the field together; the banter continued as they reached the lockers, and he was still running his mouth as he stripped out of his clothes and headed toward the showers. When he got there, he hung his towel on a peg just outside the entrance and walked in naked.
I'd been joking around with Brad, who was showering to the left of me, and with Trey, who was to my right. When I saw Shane walk in, I looked around and noted that there was only one open shower head: the one next to Kyle. All of a sudden, I realized, we had the makings of a situation at hand.
Shane didn't notice at first. He turned on his shower, adjusted the temp, and pushed on the soap dispenser fastened to the wall. As he began soaping himself up, he noticed that I was right across from him. About the time he opened his mouth to say something to me, Kyle turned in his direction, and it was then that Shane realized who was showering next to him.
Kyle had been lathering up the shampoo on his head with his eyes closed when Shane had walked in, so he hadn't noticed either. He'd rinsed the suds out, cleared them out of his face, and turned; and that's when he caught sight of Shane.
I watched, unable to look away, as he flinched and took a step back.
Shane looked around to see who was watching; everybody was. He looked down in disgust for a moment, scowling, then raised his head and glared at his teammates…but mostly at Kyle.
Kyle's gaze hardened as well. His eyes drilled into Shane's. Then he grabbed his crotch with his right hand, cupping his junk tightly. Tugging on himself in a quick upward jerking motion, he cocked his head back in defiance and jutted his chin out in mock invitation, as if to say, "Come and get it, asshole, I know you want it."
Shane's eyes grew wide with rage. Kyle sneered and turned his back to Shane. He dropped his shampoo bottle casually on the floor and made a show of bending over to pick it up, flaunting his ass in front of Shane. Then he picked up the bottle, and turning first to glare into Shane's eyes with contempt one final time, he walked out of the showers.
Before Shane could react, Trey broke the silence. "Leave it alone, Shane," he said.
"Y'all saw that perverted horseshit," Shane responded, fuming. "I'm supposed to ignore that fuckin' faggot when he pushes his asshole in my face like that?"
"I don't blame him," Greg said.
"Fuck you," Shane replied.
"No, man, fuck you," Greg shot back. "Damned if he didn't man up big-time last month, coming out the way he did, and pretty much everyone on the team has come to respect him for it. Everyone but you, asshole, and you just keep bringin' the hate. And he's never done shit to you. So I'd say it was 'bout time he got in your face a little."
"I love the way you're always accusing me of being intolerant," Shane sputtered. "I don't bring it onto the field, and you goddam well know it. Have I fucked up his game any?"
Nobody said anything.
"Answer me, motherfuckers!" he shouted.
"You haven't fucked up his game," I said. "The teamwork on the field's fine."
"Then fuckin' get outta my face," he told me. "All of you. I'm not gonna apologize for being the only man on the team to stand up for what's right. Seems like I'm the one y'all are being fuckin' intolerant about."
"Give it a rest," Trey said.
"Why?" Shane shouted back. "Faggots are disgusting, and they're against nature, and they're against God. They need to quit that shit. And anyway, this is a men's soccer team."
Nobody responded. One by one, my teammates began to rinse off and walk out.
Shane had put his stuff in the locker next to mine when he came in off the field, so we headed from the showers into the same locker bay. As we began dressing, I said, "What's your deal about a 'men's soccer team'? Kyle pretty much looks like a man to me."
"Well, he's not," Shane huffed.
"Looked like it from what I saw," I said, grinning at him in an attempt to lighten things up.
"Yeah, you would be lookin' at his stuff," he mumbled.
"C'mon, Shane," I said, "nobody's asking you to throw a goddam celebration over his sexuality, but can't you at least stop bringin' the hate? He's a good guy, and it's his own business."
"Some guy," he said. "Munchin' on cock and taking dicks up his ass. Look, it's not complicated: Guys don't like to get fucked. Guys don't like to suck dick. That's what women do."
"Gay guys like it," I said. "So do bi guys."
He looked up at me, his eyes squinting angrily. "I don't wanna hear about your fucked-up shit," he said, "and I don't know what your perverted thing is, but I'm not talking about you; at least you have the natural drives. I'm talking about fags. Fags don't want women. They got this thing about makin' moves on guys. When you turn your back on the instincts God gave you, it makes you fuckin' girly. Queers aren't men! You know what I'm talkin' about, Andy, I'm not saying anything we don't all of us know already; this ain't no goddam secret. The way they talk, the way they use their hands, the way they walk and bounce around, all that girly act they put on. They could stop with that shit but they don't. They like it. They like being girls. Nobody has to talk that way or act that way. They're not being men. They're being girly."
I looked at him incredulously. "Kyle? You're a moron, man. You tellin' me you think Kyle's like that? You didn't even know he was fuckin' gay until he told us. I bet there are lots of gay guys out there like that, so put your damn brain in gear before you talk your hateful shit."
He wasn't deterred. "So he's smart enough not to prance around like a queen; that don't make him a real man. And anyway, show me a masculine-acting faggot like Kyle and I'll show you twenty pussy boys who like to walk around all limp-wristed and faggy. And as far as I'm concerned the whole perverted collection of 'em can fuckin' burn in hell."
"Fuck that," I said. "What about me?"
"I already told you I don't know what your fucked-up shit is," he answered. "You're not a faggot; you're just fuckin' confused and brainwashed, and you apparently think any time you get horny that you can just stick it in whatever hole. So just because you act like a guy doesn't prove anything about faggots either, because you're not a faggot, exactly. You're a whole 'nother perverted problem."
I shook my head. "You realize you're talking like an idiot, don't you?"
"What I realize," he said, "is that real guys aren't supposed to want a dick up their ass, and that real guys don't get wood over being touched by another guy or by looking at one. And what I realize is that you need some fuckin' psychological therapy so you can give up your stupid shit with guys and just focus on the women you been hooking up with."
I glared at him. "You don't know shit about me, and your opinions aren't even informed. You're just ignorant."
"The fuck I am," he said.
"The fuck you aren't," I shot back. "It's a hell of a lot more complex than that. You seem to think the world is divided up into faggots and real men."
"That's right," he said. "Guys who go with what God gave 'em and guys who turn their back on that and suck dick. And then head-cases like you who want to have it both ways. But just because some people are confused about what they are, that don't change anything."
"But people don't choose who they're attracted to," I said, trying to get him to listen to reason.
"So that makes it even worse," he said.
"What do you mean?"
"Okay, let's say you're right…and we won't even talk about your confused ass," he growled. "Let's say they're only attracted to men and not women."
"Then we oughta cut 'em a break," I said.
"No, then they oughta cut us a break and either keep their shit hidden or just off themselves so we don't have to look at their perverted asses."
I dropped my jaw in shock and noticed just then that about ten of my teammates had gathered around, listening to the conversation.
Reacting to the look on my face, he added, "Okay, I don't really mean I want all queers to die. But there's no reason we should have to approve of their immoral crap. How fucked up is it to be a man and to wish you were a girl?"
"And so every guy who notices guys wants to be a girl?" I asked.
"Fuck, yeah," he said. "Or else he'd be straight, moron. Either that or he's just confused in the head like you. You and I both know you're really straight; I don't know what this 'bi' thing is you're advertising these days. I think you're just trying to impress us with how out-there you are. Maybe you even have yourself convinced, but you're not fooling anybody else."
"It's not that simple," I said. "I've sucked cocks…"
"Shut the fuck up about that!" he yelled at me, interrupting. "You probably just liked how fuckin' taboo it is, so you can think you're all edgy. But I've seen you with women. I know who you are. So quit trying to make everybody else buy into your damn confusion. It's simple as the junk hanging between your legs. In case you didn't notice, that was designed to fit into women, and you're either wired up right and everything works…or you're fucked up and it doesn't work. And then you're girly and you're a faggot, and I don't care whether you act like Kyle or like fuckin' Richard Simmons. You're still a queer and you're against nature."
I rolled my eyes and looked around. Among the group gathered around were Greg, Dean, and Brad: three straight guys who were living proof that it wasn't that simple.
And don't forget Matt, a voice inside added.
I winced at the flash of pain the accompanying memory brought me and tried to push it to the back of my consciousness.
"I'll bet under the right circumstances most of the guys on this team would be able to do a guy," I said. I looked straight at Greg and grinned. He grinned right back at me, stuck out his tongue, made a rapid licking motion, and laughed.
"Not likely," Shane said, scowling.
"Put your dick where your mouth is," I said. About five guys cracked up.
Just then a brilliant idea fell out of the sky and lodged in my brain. "Hey, Brad," I said. "Can we use your place Sunday night to put all this to a test?"
Brad laughed and said, "I dunno, Sharpe; you planning a teamwide gay sex orgy at my place?"
"Nope," I said. "Y'all have a big screen TV; what I'm saying is for any of you who got the balls, come watch something I'm gonna show you. Prove to me Shane's right and I'm wrong."
He looked at me, bemused. "You talkin' about gay porn?"
"Fuck, yeah," I said.
Everyone groaned.
"Oh, get over yourselves," I said, rolling my eyes. "You haven't seen shit like this. It'll open your eyes, I guarantee it. Or, I dunno, prove me wrong."
Trey was standing next to me. "My girlfriend's gone for the whole weekend and I got nothin' to do on Sunday night…so yeah, okay, I'll come."
"You just might," I said, winking at him.
Everybody cracked up. I looked around and noticed that everyone's body language and casual talk seemed to say "why the hell not?"
Brad said, "Well, it's pretty freaky, but I'm good with it, as long as we don't advertise it. But I'm warning you, don't be tryin' to start some orgy or something, because if you convert the whole damn room, I'll end up with cum stains on everything!"
That had the boys rolling on the floor. I heard a number of them saying things like, "No way could I ever get turned on by dudes sexing each other up."
I smiled; we'd see.
"Okay," I said. "No orgies. All I'm saying is that I have a theory about this shit, and some of you boys are responsible for puttin' it in my head." I looked straight at Dean, who blushed furiously. He smiled, though, and said, "Yeah, I'd be interested in seeing how this plays out."
"All right, then. Sunday night at your place, Brad, 'round 8?"
"Sure, why not?" Brad said. "I'll even make popcorn. Everybody in?"
Several of them turned up their noses, and a few said, "I don't know."
Shane said, "Fuck that," and walked away.
As best I could tell, though, most of them would be showing up, if only out of curiosity.
********
I knew just what I wanted to make these guys watch. I hadn't been at college long before I'd scoped out a couple of porno shops.
When I hit school in early August it wasn't my intent to come screaming out of some closet; I wasn't ready to start hitting on guys and hooking up with every good-looking man I could. No, I wanted to get a little more comfortable with allowing myself to be attracted to men. I wanted to spend some time easing into feeling okay with it. I wanted to have a chance to let my eyes linger on male forms a little more deliberately.
In short, I wanted some gay porn.
I'd found a store just off the Interstate that had a decent collection of gay porn for rent. One weekend before the season started, Trey had chosen to go home. I had the dorm room to myself, and I'd decided to go pick up a couple of videos featuring guys and spend some time in my room getting to know this part of me a little better.
I'd felt kind of funny when I'd first gone into the store and made my way over to the gay section, but I got over it fast. I saw guys checking me out, and it made me nervous at first, but after a while I tuned them out.
One of the things I discovered by looking at the front covers was that gay porn wasn't filled with a bunch of effeminate, swishy guys. In particular, I was blown away by a line of videos featuring eastern European models. The company was called Bel Ami and there was a guy in a lot of those vids with the screen name "Lukas Ridgeston."
I almost shit when I first saw him on one of those covers; his eyes were the exact same color as Matt's.
I felt an ache rise up from deep inside me. Immediately, I pushed the feeling back down and tried to focus my thoughts on something other than Matt's eyes.
Still, all three videos I rented had Lukas in them.
The videos blew me away. The guys in them were beautiful, by anyone's standards. Any woman looking at these men would salivate. Muscular and masculine, with incredible faces, I watched them giving themselves to each other sexually; from the look of it, they were enjoying the hell out of it. The guys were all hard from the moment they took their clothes off. And they did everything and seemed to love it. I figured that in the final analysis what they loved was the money, but it sure didn't seem like they thought it was a chore earning it.
There was something else in the videos, though: an element of tenderness to the sex that tugged at my heart as much as the sex grabbed me by the balls. I was a little unprepared for that, and it kept threatening to take my mind and heart back to places I needed to avoid. I tried to ignore it but wasn't entirely successful.
Over the day that I had those videos, I probably jerked off six times watching them. I'd never really equated men who liked guys with effeminate men, but whatever lingering stereotype I'd entertained along those lines was completely banished by the time I'd returned the videos to the store.
I was still confused about the whole issue of "sexual orientation." I wasn't sure what all this stuff meant. People talked trash about "gay" and "straight" all the time, and they tended to talk in the very stereotypes these videos disproved. Even before I'd watched them, though, I had realized that the way people talked about men who loved men didn't fit my own experience. As I'd thought about all that, I kept remembering what my dad had told me about his own college days. It seemed likely that there were more people out there like me than the street talk suggested. Later on, after I'd had the encounters with Dean and Greg and Brad, I began to be almost certain that this whole sexuality thing really did run a whole range of flavors, just like Michael Storms and Fritz Klein had tried to say in that stuff my dad made me read.
I got it in my head after doing stuff with my three teammates that there might well be a lot of guys at least a little like me…and that even the guys who were pretty solidly "straight" might be sexually responsive to another guy under the right conditions. Girls were more sexually compelling to me than guys, and I still liked guys a hell of a lot; other guys might be the same. Even other guys who considered themselves "straight." And as I began to reflect on that, getting other guys to face up their own Inner Gay Guy became something of a mission for me.
All of that factored into my "gay porn challenge" to the guys that afternoon. So the next day I went down to the porno store and rented a Bel Ami movie entitled Lucky Lukas. It was one of the three I'd rented before, and I felt pretty certain it would get a response from at least a few guys.
********
I showed up at Brad's about a half hour early Sunday night.
"Hey, bi boy," he said when he answered the door, laughing and pulling me in by the shoulder.
"Hey, Brad," I said, grinning from ear to ear. "Thanks for agreeing to this, I know it's kinda out there."
"Have a seat, and I'll go grab us some beer," he said, motioning toward the sofa. "I know what you like."
"Yeah, you sure as hell do," I said, laughing wickedly.
When he returned, he sat my beer down on the end table next to the sofa. Looking at the videotape in my hand, he said, "Okay, hand it over and lemme have a little preview."
"Naw, man, I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise," I said.
"I done had my surprise with you, freshman," he said. He looked at me for a moment, smiling but serious. "It's weird, Andy, but I…I have to say I really enjoyed what we did. It was okay, and it felt good."
Embarrassed, I said, "I guess…I mean, I did too, Brad. You were…well fuck, you were amazing."
"You were so tight," he said, blushing a little. "And it felt so good, and you were really into it. That kinda turned me on, you getting into it like that, and I gotta say, getting turned on the way I did shocked the shit out of me."
"You saying I flipped you?" I said with an evil grin.
"Fuck, no," he said. "I'm all about the women. I'm just sayin' it was hot."
"C'mon, Brad, get real," I said. "You must have already known you could get into it, or you wouldn't have made the bet."
"What I know is I like women," he said. "Guys…hell, that's nothing I think about. Or didn't until you came out to us. But…well, you know. Everybody knows what "gay" is, and I bet every guy has had it cross his mind at least once: Wonder what it's like to do a guy? That's shit nobody ever admits. But dude, you got up and admitted it! And it got me thinking: You're, like, a real guy. Everybody likes you and it's clear you're one of the leaders of the freshman players. You just seem so…so normal. And so when you told us about yourself…I don't know. I thought to myself, here's a guy I could check this whole thing out with and he wouldn't give me shit about it."
"So I was your opportunity to explore your freaky side?"
"Yeah," he said. "I guess you could put it like that." He took the video, went over to his VCR, and popped it in. "Now let's look at some o' this."
He sat down next to me. I picked up the remote from the arm of the sofa and said, "What do you wanna see?"
He said, "I wanna see a couple of guys doing what we did."
I laughed and forwarded to the last scene.
We watched for a few minutes. My dick got hard instantly, and as I watched Brad watch, I noticed he was responding as well.
"Damn," he said under his breath, eyes glued to the screen. "They don't even look gay."
"Pretty stupid, Brad," I said. "Do I look gay?"
"You're not gay," he said.
"Well, that doesn't prove anything about gay guys," I said. "Think about Kyle. But as a matter of fact, I read an interview with the blue-eyed guy in a porn mag, and he's straight."
"He is?"
"Yeah. He says in his country nobody makes much of a deal about it. That's not the same with some of these other guys at this company. Some of 'em come from countries where gay shit is a big fucking deal. But this guy Lukas, he says he just likes sex. He's not even bi, he says, but he likes doing stuff with a good-looking guy just fine."
Brad fondled himself absently through his soccer shorts and said, "What has me interested is the guy he's doing. That guy sure looks like he's enjoying it."
I looked at him. His eyes met mine and he added, "Just like you did."
The intensity of his stare shook me up a little, and I wasn't sure what to say in response. I didn't have to say anything, though. The next words were his.
"Tell me how much you liked it," he said quietly.
I swallowed hard; I wasn't really prepared for such a naked, serious request. But it seemed clear that he needed me to meet him at this vulnerable place and to bring the same openness.
I took a deep breath and looked into his face.
"Brad…dude, you were my first. And it was better than I could have dreamed. You're an incredible lover. I told you that night. And having you inside me felt amazing. You were slow and patient. You let me get used to it…and then you fuckin' brought it."
With his eyes still locked onto mine, he asked, "Did it…did it feel good? What was it like…you know, what was it like physically?"
"I…Well, it…" I could feel myself blushing. "I felt…uhh…filled up." I laughed nervously. "It was kinda nice. And it was…well, warm, too. I mean…you know, it was just…it was all in my head that it was you inside me. I liked that. The main thing, though, was when you were slammin' it to me, that was working my spot. God, it was so intense; it was amazing! And it got me so damn hard, and felt so fuckin' good…"
"You mean, like…uhh, like your prostate," he stammered. I noticed I wasn't the only one blushing.
"Must be," I said. "Whatever it was, I'm tellin' you, it got me off."
Neither of us said anything for a minute, then he put his hand on my shoulder and said, quietly, "Hey, do you think…I mean, if you're good with it…well, some time could…could you, like, would you ever wanna let me try being the guy taking it?"
My jaw dropped. I was about to answer when the doorbell rang.
"Saved by the bell," I grinned.
"Dude…" he said, still looking into my eyes. "Just answer the fuckin' question and don't leave me hangin' out here all vulnerable and shit."
"Brad," I said, drilling my eyes into his, "I'd give my left nut to fuck you. You tell me the time and place and I'm there, dude."
He grinned. "Keep the nut," he said, standing up from the sofa and heading toward the door. "I'll call you. And…this stays between us, right?"
"Of course," I said.
I rewound the tape.
********
Fifteen guys showed up, joking, jeering…
and just the slightest bit on-edge.
You could tell it from the body language. From the forced hilarity. From the number of beers consumed within the first twenty minutes.
Among the group were my roomie and the two guys besides Brad that I'd gotten with, along with most of the other freshman players, a few sophomores and juniors, most of Brad's closest buds from the team…
…and Shane.
People greeted Shane, but nobody was joking around with him much. His presence made this little gathering a volatile situation; nobody knew what he was doing there, given that he'd made it clear he hated gay people and everything they stood for. He'd also made it clear that hell would freeze over before he'd be caught dead watching a gay porn video. There were a couple of others in the crowd who harbored some negative sentiments about gay people, but they weren't interested in causing trouble for Kyle or making a big deal out of things. Had Shane come to rally support from guys who'd be disgusted by what they saw tonight? Nobody knew, but nobody wanted to call him out for showing up.
Brad had greeted him when he hit the door. He welcomed him in, shook his hand, and gave him a beer. Shane circulated around for a while, greeting the other guys. When he got to me he stuck out a hand and said, "Hey."
I grabbed his hand in mind and shook it, but I was tongue-tied; I didn't know what to say to him. My entire face must have been a question mark, because he said to me, "I'm not gonna cause trouble. You won't hear a word outta my mouth."
I could tell he meant it, but I was still puzzled. "Well…good, but what are you…"
He didn't let me finish. "I don't know. Don't gimme the third degree on this, okay?"
"All right," I said.
"So where am I supposed to sit?"
"Anywhere," Brad answered; he'd been watching from across the room.
"Okay," Shane responded warily. He grabbed the left end of the sofa, gripping the armrest as if he were trying to keep from falling off a tall building.
Once everybody had settled in and found a place to sit, I went over to the TV and stood up in front of everybody. "First of all," I said to them, "I wanna tell y'all this video runs an hour and a half and there are five sex scenes. I want you to watch the whole thing, 'cause I think it has a cumulative effect."
There were some snickers in the room, but nobody said anything, so I went on. "Here's why I came up with this. There's been tension in the locker room ever since Kyle came out." I tried hard not to look in Shane's direction but didn't succeed. He stared at me with a blank expression, oblivious to all the eyes that had turned his way.
"I'm not tryin' to make anybody get all okay with it if they're not," I continued. "I'm just saying that gay stuff isn't like you think. Y'all should know that already--just by looking at Kyle--but I think some guys have the wrong impression about guys gettin' with guys. It may not be natural to you, but it's not just about a bunch of girly-men."
I noticed that fourteen pairs of eyes had turned from Shane to me, and nobody was saying a word.
"I know some of you think it's wrong," I said. "And I know some of you think you couldn't be paid a million dollars to do gay stuff. But I know for a fact that this whole thing's not cut and dried like people make it when they talk shit. And I bet there are some straight guys in any crowd who know that for a fact too. Firsthand.
"When I first started wrestling with this stuff, my dad gave me some scientific literature to read, and it taught me some stuff. Sexuality…man, that's a continuum. It's not just 'gay' and 'straight.' That's just convenient shorthand describing the guys on one extreme or the other. The reality's a lot more complicated. What we call "gay" shit…a lot of straight guys could go there. A lot of guys like you and me. Well, especially like me," I deadpanned. I got the laughs I was looking for, so I went on.
"You might be one of those guys too and you're not aware of it. And even if you're not, I wanted you to see this stuff just so you'd know the limp wrist thing is just a damn cliché. If sexual attraction runs a whole range, then none of us are so different from each other, really. We ought to think about that before we give gay people shit. You'll see these guys on this porn. Man, they could pass for any one of us on the street and nobody would think they're anything but straight."
"Yeah, but it's porn," Dylan Helsing said. Dylan was a senior backfielder who'd never said much about the controversy about Kyle. "These guys are gay-for-pay, maybe."
"I guess," I said. "In fact, I know some of them are straight. But that's exactly my point. And 'gay-for-pay,' man: Think about that concept and what it implies. Also watch these guys. Tell me if they look like it's grossing them out."
"Jesus, freshman, wouldja just shut up and fuckin' bring it already," Miguel da Silva said. Everybody laughed; everybody but Shane.
He'd been silent as a stone since he sat down. His facial expression looked pretty stony too.
He made me uncomfortable, but I shook it off.
"All right," I said. "Everybody got their popcorn?" I popped in the tape as Brad turned out the lights.
Gradually, the guys got settled in, and things got quiet. The opening credits came on, and there was a flash of some hardcore stuff going on, which brought some initial groans, but the explicit scenes in those opening credits passed too fast for them to register much.
The first scene started right out with some guys sucking dick in an old abandoned house. While they're busy getting after it, the character known as Lukas drives up in his Mini Cooper. He gets out and stands by his car; it's apparent that he's arranged to meet one of the guys inside for a road trip of some sort.
Miguel had a few words to say about that. "C'mon, Sharpe," he said, loud enough for everybody to hear. "It's bad enough we gotta watch dudes smokin' sausage; don't tell us there's a lame-ass plot, too." The laughter that met that line helped me relax; this whole thing was going to be okay.
"It's fuckin' porn, Mikey," I replied to him. "Don't matter if it's gay or straight, I expect you know how that shit runs."
"Me?" he deadpanned. "I've never watched a minute of porn in my life."
Dean threw a sofa cushion at him and said, "Shut up and eat yer damn popcorn. We're trying to watch gay dudes fuck around; we don't need you mouthing off through the action shots." The guys laughed again, and by then it was clear that everybody had worked out their initial discomfort.
As the scenes passed before our eyes, I watched facial expressions occasionally. During the sex scenes I didn't see a single expression of disgust. Every now and then I'd hear an annoyed groan, especially when the guys on the video started fucking, and occasionally a guy would lean his head in the direction of the guy sitting next to him and whisper something. Once in a while I'd see someone roll his eyes. And there were a couple of guys who seemed bored by the whole thing.
Shane, on the other hand, watched every scene wide-eyed. And I noticed that a good half-dozen of the guys surreptitiously worked themselves a little through their pants.
After it was over I stopped the tape and Brad turned the lights up.
"Well?"
Nobody said anything at first.
Finally Greg broke the silence. "Fuck. I never seen anything like that before." He looked around the room and then added, "I'm not gonna lie to y'all; I thought it was kinda hot."
A few guys laughed. Dylan said, "Didn't do anything for me, but I wasn't grossed out. Well, except for the close-ups of that one guy's asshole. Hell, I don't even wanna see a woman's asshole."
After the ensuing laughter had died down, he added, "It was kinda like, okay, guys are fucking. Okay, now they're sucking cock. It seemed kinda odd to me, but it wasn't bad. Just didn't turn me on much. Funny thing, though, I thought the kissing was kinda interesting."
"Faggot," Dean muttered, loud enough to be heard. Then he grinned his thousand-watt grin and jumped out of the way as Dylan aimed a punch at his shoulder.
"I was okay with it too," said Jason, who'd been a little bit of a hater early on. "Those guys…you're right: they looked like us. Same age, same athletic builds. You could put them in our team photo and nobody would know they weren't teammates. I'm not saying I think it's right, but it didn't look disgusting. You can tell they spent some money on production, too. It kinda put the whole thing about guys loving each other…well, I mean, thinking about it in my head it always seemed kinda gross and sleazy. This wasn't sleazy. I mean, aside from being porn."
Nobody had anything to add, and I thought maybe we were about to close things out, when Shane stood up.
"Y'all have been giving me shit about the things I said about Kyle and about fagg…about gay people," he said quietly, eyes panning the group. "And I can't help it, man, I think it's wrong." He paused a long time. "But this video didn't make me wanna puke like I thought it would."
He sat down in front of the TV. "Y'all think I'm just a hater, but I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of reading over the last couple of days. I'm not gonna apologize for my values. It's what I was taught about gays growing up. But it looks like…well, the stuff I read said that people like Kyle didn't ask for their fucked-up shit. I already knew that, but I guess I never took that real seriously. I mean, I knew it, but I wasn't thinking about what it meant. It would be like if somebody told me I had to only have sex with guys and it was like a crime to want women. How fucked up would that be if I had to have people shit on me whenever I fuckin' held hands with a woman?"
He stood up again and surveyed the crowd. His eyes almost looked like they were pleading. "I never hated Kessler," he said. "We were friends before." There was genuine sadness in his eyes when he said those words.
"It just fuckin' freaked me out, and I wanted to get away from it."
He scanned the faces in the room. With a voice that was almost too quiet to hear, he said, "Y'all tell him for me, please? I don't hate him. I want him to know that. But I can't talk to him, okay? Not now."
I watched as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. "I don't think it's right. I think gay behavior is wrong. I don't approve of him gettin' with guys."
"He's not gettin' with guys," Trey said.
"I know," Shane responded. "He'd like to, though. And I'm sayin' I think it's wrong…
"But the more I thought about it, the more it hit me that it has to be lonely. I know y'all think I enjoy hating him, but I'm not like that, and until all this came up I thought you knew me better than that. I think I've showed everybody from the day I got here that I'm not usually that kinda guy. And I'll tell ya, it wasn't makin' me feel particularly good that he pissed me off so much. And…I don't know, a lot of you guys been coming down on me pretty hard. So I've been trying to face up to some shit. And I really did try to look at this from Kyle's position…finally I just realized what it means that he don't have a choice. Any more than I have a choice to be straight. His fuckin' body set him for the wrong thing and he can't help it."
Several of the guys nodded silently. "I'm not gonna hate on him anymore," he said. "I'll try to be decent, be a good teammate; you know, keep the peace. Talk to him when I need to, and not be all bitter.
"I don't think I could ever be friends with somebody like that, so don't think me and him are on our way to bein' best buddies," he added with a frown. "But he has enough shit to deal with; he doesn't need me piling it on."
He turned in my direction. "I don't' know about fuckin' Sharpe," he said, nodding his head at me. "He should bother me even more, but I think you know he doesn't. But I especially wanted Andy to see that I'm done with the hate. It's none of my business what you do with your sex life, Sharpe, and it's none of my business what Kyle does with his. I just came mainly to see what this gay porn shit was like, and to say this stuff, and to ask y'all to tell Kyle for me. Turns out he's maybe got bigger ones than me: He came out to a bunch of jocks…and turns out I can't even find the fuckin' nerve to talk to him."
The silence was uncomfortable, and I knew that I had to be the one to break it. "I'll let him know, Shane," I said, nodding my head.
He walked over and shook my hand. "Thanks."
He turned and looked the guys over. I wasn't sure what he was hoping to find: Forgiveness? Acceptance? A break from the grief some of his teammates were giving him? Whatever it was, he seemed to get what he needed. He said to the group, "I gotta go. Thanks for putting up with my shit, guys."
"You're not the only one on the team who has some trouble with it," said Dylan. "I'm with you on what you think about gay people, as a matter of fact. But who are we to pass some kind of fuckin' sentence on Kessler? I'm glad you got this far."
"Thanks, man," Shane said. He made his way over to where Dylan was sitting, and they bumped fists. Then he passed through the crowd of guys on his way to the door, trading shoulder slaps and telling everyone he'd see them at practice.
And then he was gone.
Everybody settled back in; things relaxed noticeably with Shane out of the room. I saw some smiles pop up, and several guys went to the fridge to grab a final beer. They all seemed to be looking to me for a last word, so I gave it a stab.
"Okay, what's the general reaction?" I asked.
"To Shane, or to that perverted shit you made us watch?" Trey asked, laughing.
"To the perverted shit," I replied, grinning back at him.
"Boredom," said one of the guys; everyone laughed, and several of them nodded their heads in assent.
"Well, I already owned up to getting turned on by it," Greg said. "And I know I'm pretty fuckin' straight, so it surprised me."
I grinned at him and said, "That doesn't surprise me." I winked at him and he flipped me off, which prompted some hoots from the guys. From the kitchen Jason said, "Ooh, somebody got a story to tell?"
Greg blushed, and I replied, "Not me; ask him."
"I got nothin' to say," Greg stated. "Ask me when I'm drunk."
The guys cracked up, and somebody said, "How was it?" Greg didn't drop a beat before he answered, "It was pretty damn good."
Looks of surprise crossed several faces, but before people could continue to focus on Greg, I grabbed the floor.
"Y'all don't be fuckin' with him."
"Why? You gonna get jealous?" Trey said.
"Naw, I'm sayin' don't be focusing on him, 'cause I'll tell you what; while that video was going, I saw lots more hardons in the crowd than people are owning up to. I saw some of you playin' with it, too."
There was some nervous laughter at that, and I noticed a few guys kidding each other.
"Let's leave it at this," I continued. "Y'all know who I am and what I am. I don't go around getting' with guys all the time; Trey'll tell you that I got more women over than he even wants me to."
"Well, yeah, 'cause I keep gettin' locked outta my room," he said. "And you can hear it from outside. It's women, all right."
"Anyway," I said, as I waited for the laughter to die down again, "I just wanted to say if any of you straight boys ever wondered what it might be like…all you gotta do it is ask, and you got the hookup. Whatever you want and however you want it. And nobody has to know. It'll stay just between you and me. No strings, no bother…and you don't even have to buy me dinner."
"You're cheap, then," one of them said, his voice cutting through the laughter.
"Yeah, and easy," I replied. "But don't call me trash."
The guys loved that one; this evening was turning into a stand-up comedy night.
Trey said, "Hey, does that mean Dean's bullshit in the locker room wasn't bullshit?"
Before I could say anything, Dean piped up and said, "Yeah, Sharpe's already off to a start. You boys better watch it, he's a pretty slick operator; I got tricked into it."
"Now that's bullshit," I said. "You were all about it. And don't forget this moment. You're the one who just owned up to it; I didn't say a damn word."
"Hell, I don't give a shit," he said. "It's college. We're supposed to get freaky and try shit. I'm sure about my sexuality."
"Yeah," Jason said. "Sure that you like dick."
"Eat me," Dean said, grinning. "And anyway…
"Don't knock it 'til you try it."
Trey broke in. "Whoa; you and Sharpe gonna be real good friends now? Hell, I'll never get my share of room usage!"
"We're gonna be just fine," he said, as the rest of the crew cracked up. "And don't worry about your room. This was a one-time deal."
After a few smart remarks from some of the guys, the subject was dropped, and people chatted for a while and finished their beers. Everybody seemed to be in a relatively good mood, considering that they were a bunch of straight guys who'd just watched an hour and a half of gay porn.
Finally Brad said, "Okay, y'all get outta my place now. I got shit to clean up." Everybody began saying their see-ya-laters to Brad. Miguel grinned at me and went to his room. Gradually the apartment cleared out, until it was just Brad and me in the living room.
"Hey, thanks for putting up with this," I said to him.
"Well, I told you how you can repay me," he said with a smile.
I raised an eyebrow. "For real?"
He blushed a little and said, "Yeah, for real. Just this once."
"Tell me when and where, and I'm there."
"How 'bout right here, tomorrow night, before I have a chance to think about it too much?"
"You got it," I said. "And Brad…"
"Yeah?"
"You're gonna feel the earth move, bro."
"Get outta here," he said, laughing as he pushed me out the door.
© 2003-2007 by Adam Phillips
Posted: 09/03/10